Purveyor of Pleasure

Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.

On the Right Path

By

On September 10, 2007

In a Love: Onyx

Master and I began doing more M/s stuff last night. He did, rather, and it was rather sudden, I was not expecting it. He told me to go make him a drink, but he always does that, but I took too long for him, and he tugged me out of bed by my legs and pulled at my hair and told me that I needed to do it when he told me to and not put it off.

When I came back with it he told me to kneel and present it to him like a slave. It wasn’t a big thing, really, but it took a lot for me to do it, and I don’t know why. I think I just wasn’t used to it or expecting it, I was surprised and taken aback and not ready for the change. I mean, we had been talking about it, and he was reading around bestslavetraining.com and we had been talking about the slave training book I got as well, but I wasn’t expecting him to do it right at that moment. I was just shocked, but that was just the start.

After that we went upstairs, I was partially upset and just grouchy in general because I wasn’t anticipating what was going on. I made him another drink and he told me that I am to present everything I make for him to him like a slave. I kind of freaked. It was mostly just not anticipating, and it was partially just surprise, and going too fast, or faster than I was expecting. It was odd, and I didn’t think I would have such a reaction, and I don’t know why I did. I just got awkward and quiet and ended up crying a little. Part of it, I think, is that I was feeling like we had just started something new but somehow I was fucking up already, I wasn’t doing it right, I wasn’t pleasing him, I was just messing up. I was a wreck for a while there.

He helped me through it, though, somewhat at least, and I helped myself through it. He eventually snapped me out of it by telling me that I would do as instructed to show that I wanted to be his slave. He had asked me if I wanted to be a slave, and then if I had wanted to be his slave, and I answered yes to both. He told me to present it to him to show him that I wanted it, and so I did, with a bit of tears in my eyes I did. I don’t know why it hit me so hard, but it did.

After that, though, it was like it was the most natural thing in the world, to do what he told me, to kneel and present him with new drinks, with food, to bend to his will, and to do for him. He made me feel precious, cherished, and also like his slave. Truly. And I loved every second. I loved him even more last night than ever before, if that’s possible. He made me feel just what I’ve wanted to, and I knew at the same time he was opening up, in a sense, he was letting me in, he was letting me put him first, and he was accepting that role. It felt perfect.

We spent the night like that, and then came downstairs and had sex, the normal kind of sex we have, which generally involves some verbal yummyness and him Doming me, but this time it was slightly different. I was more open to him, in a way, I just kept looking at his face, in all the pleasure, and realizing more and more my love for him. I was enamored with him, infatuated in that moment, more than I have been possibly ever. I was amazed, in wonder, in shock still a little, and extremely happy.

Today, we’ve been keeping the same dynamic, but we haven’t really done much, but that was okay. The underlying is there, but we didn’t do much that required the set things like that to be incorporated. I’d like to do more kneeling for him, sitting at his feet, resting my head on his thigh sort of thing, but more will come as we change and grow.

I already know we’re on the right path.

The weather today is content, with a 90% chance of bliss

By

On September 8, 2007

In a Love: Onyx

Master and I had a wonderful talk last night. I felt like I was pushing my desires on him, that he doesn’t want M/s but a D/s relationship, that it’s not at all what he wants and I’ve just felt so lost. Part of it is he hasn’t ever really told me what HE wants, and it’s made me feel so lost. Part of it is he hasn’t known what he wants, and part of it, well… this is something we got into last night. He has never known anyone to put him first, and he hasn’t been letting me do that. Granted, I haven’t really been trying to, I’ve been wrapped up in my own need to be able to put him first, it’s an odd cycle, there, but it somehow makes sense.

He doesn’t know how to let me take care of him, because he’s never known anyone who wanted to, truly wanted to, and I guess I haven’t expressed that enough to him. He’s never had anyone who wanted to put him first, who wanted to do for him, who loved him for him and didn’t want to use him for some reason. We got emotional, we both broke down a little. I said we’ve been working on my walls for so long, it’s about time we worked on his, lol. And it’s true, he just has a better defense system than I do, I think.

So, we’re working on it. It was a huge breakthrough last night, and a small step on breaking down his walls, but mine aren’t completely gone either. We’re going to talk more, going to work on it, not put it off, not ignore the problem until it eats away at our insides.

He’s going to figure out what he wants from me as a slave, the next step is to figure out what the one after that is, how to get into this, how we can work on it.

I sent him a text message yesterday morning, which has been mulling around in my brain today as well, and ever since, we had talked about the Master’s responsibility to the slave two nights ago: “I figured it out. You need to let me be responsible for you by letting/making me submit and do for you and make your pleasures my own, while at the same time taking responsibility for me. It is about mutual responsibility, not just you getting more.” I think it was what led to this discovery we had last night in some senses.

He’s been pulling away, we’ve been getting in these ruts, and I’ve been pulling away, we’ve been working on it, but just… not completely, I don’t know. But we’re slowly working on changing, and that’s what really matters. We’re going to get to where we want to be, I know it. He’s going to let me put him first, and dote on him, and fulfill his every need, because that’s what we both really want.

Part of the revelation last night was that he was afraid that all I wanted from him was a Master, that I was just using him for that, as everyone has ever used him, that I wasn’t really wanting HIM. So part of our non-M/s oriented lifestyle since I moved here has been him testing that, seeing if I would leave if he didn’t act like my Master. It wasn’t conscious, but it happened. And I do want a Master, I crave it, and I’ve realized that.

I’ve been wondering for a while if it was something I do crave or something I want to crave, but it really is. It’s something I don’t want to live without, and that was something that came up last night too. But, I want a Master, but I also want him. I was going to suggest that maybe I get an online Master, or maybe if Kat and I further our relationship to the D/s level, maybe she would be enough, she could sate that need, and it’s possible. As it is, though, I want to fix Master and me before I go into that relationship with Kat. I want her, and I love her, and I want to be more with her, and more and more I’m realizing I want her to be my Domme. I think it would be wonderful, for both of us.

But already it feels as though a great weight has been lifted, that we can go further now, that we are on the right path, and we are. It’s taken us a year to get here, but we’re finally nearly here. I’ve stuck with him when he was ignoring me, I stuck with him through all his tests, I want him, I want him so badly, and even after two years I still love being with him, around him, near him, touching him, and so on and so on. It’s not just about M/s to me, but the M/s is also important. We are partners, and I love him, first and foremost, but I also crave to be a slave, and to be his slave.

Changes

By

On September 7, 2007

In a Love: Onyx

I’ve been having a really good conversation with glen and Kat today, and yesterday with Kat. There is a lot of things going on at the moment.

I placed an amazon order yesterday, should get it tomorrow. I bought The Better Built Bondage Book because I want to start making my own bondage gear, and perhaps even sell it, but that will come later. I also bought Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus A dual book with a slave training manual and a training workbook. This should be helpful to Master and me in our work on training, the same with Protocols: Handbook for the female slave, which is described in the comments as “I found this book interesting because often, particularly in newMaster/slave relations, the slave is unsure what to do to serve theMaster and the Master is unsure how he wants to be served. This bookseems designed to help in those situations.” Which I think will also be helpful to us.

My half of a conversation with glen today:

“Kat and I were talking about my issues with Master yesterday and she suggested she be my online Domme, and part of me wants that but part of me is scared of it, and I wonder if I even can be submissive anymore. Master and I… we go in stints, sort of, we aren’t constant, and we’re hardly M/s, more D/s than anything, and I’m working on that, but we both are having trouble with it, and I’m basically hung up on it. I think part of me wants to fix things with him before getting into anything with her. He’s a Dom, and I’m a slave, and we’re trying to work with that. A lot of it is, he was a Master with his ex-wife, I think, but she was broken, she had been abused, she wasn’t so much a slave as it was convenient for her to be. And so he became completely and totally dependant on him, financially, emotionally, the whole gambit. And he’s scared of that happening. Part of him knows it won’t with me. But it’s not a rational fear.

“There’s a level of dependancy that is healthy, though, and a level that is not, and he wants it at the same time as he pulls away from it, so we’re working on it, slowly. It’s difficult, too, because we have these desires and aims, but we’re both very busy people and we have two roommates, so we can’t really do much when they’re around, even in our own room because sound travels… hopefully they should be moving out soon, but, even so.

“We came to the revelation last weekend that what we want (what I want?) is to be able to switch in and out of our roles when needed, which is, I think, how 24/7 relationships should be, being able to go between one and the other so that we have some times when we act like “regular” couples. And the best thing to do with that is to go to the other extreme ’cause we do the acting like “regular” couples thing easily, lol.

“The first few months I was horrid, I was pushing the boundaries, trying to find out how much I could get away with. He wouldn’t stop me. Practically no matter what. It was frustrating and I just got more and more upset and uppity, and he didn’t know what to do or how to handle me. I would get to the point where all I could do is break down, and most of the time I wouldn’t be able to identify the problem right away. I’m very good at blocking out issues and letting them eat at me inside.

“The thing is, I am happy, being with Onyx… it’s the best thing I’ve experienced, I’m sure you can relate. It’s just… not enough, I guess? Not fulfilling enough. I need to feel submissive to him and I want to, but it never quite gets to the point I want it to be. It’ll get there, though, we’ve got time. =)”

24/7 M/s

By

On September 7, 2007

In Identity: Submissive, Power Play

“We would like to point out that living full-time in role is not the “gold standard” of BDSM. We see far too many players who feel that is they’re not “24/7,” they’re somehow wrong, or not “real” dominants. If this doesn’t sound like the way you want to live, if BDSM is a more comfortable fit in your life when you keep it in scene and drop roles the rest of the time, don’t let anybody tell you that you’re inferior. However, if full-time BDSM does feel like a good fit for you, we encourage you to try it”
…
Fluidity
“We’ve been friends with many people in full-time dominant/submissive relationships. Our observation is that when we spend time with such people as friends, we rarely see them behaving in ways much different than any other couple: the day-to-day demands of running a life remain the same, and must be addressed by someone or other. And almost nobody can be in full control of everything at every waking moment–or would like to be. While the dominants in novels (and sometimes chatrooms) express their dominance nonstop, in reality this approach doesn’t often work out very well.
“However, what we do see in successful D/S couples is a very strong ability to read each other’s signals and a very fluid approach to moving in and out of their dominant and submissive mindsets–so the couple who at one moment is discussing someone’s problems at work may at the next moment be in full dominant/submissive mode, with the dominance in complete control and the submissive completely pliable to hir will.
“What kinds of signals do these people give each other to make such extraordinary transitions possible? Some might be consciously chosen, like using a particular name (“boy” or “girl,” for example) or a particular behavior (a submissive kneeling, a dominant placing hir hand on the back of the submissive’s neck). Others are less conscious,more intuitive–a tone of voice, a shift in body language. Longtime D/S couples grow extremely skilled in reading such signals and responding to each other’s shifting needs and desires as the moment dictates.”
From The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy

Detroit Annie, Hitchhiking

By

On September 3, 2007

In Introspection

by Judy Grahn

Her words pour out as if her throat were a broken
artery and her mind were cut-glass, carelessly handled.
You imagine her in a huge velvet hat with great
dangling black feathers,
but she shaves her head instead
and goes for three-day midnight walks.
Sometimes she goes down to the dock and dances
off the end of it, simply to prove her belief
that people who cannot walk on water
are phonies, or dead.
When she is cruel, she is very, very cool
and when she is kind she is lavish.
Fisherman think perhaps she’s a fish, but they’re all
fools. She figured out that the only way
to keep from being frozen was to
stay in motion, and long ago converted
most of her flesh into liquid. Now when she
smells danger, she spills herself all over,
like gasoline, and lights it.
She leaves the taste of salt and iron
under your tongue, but you dont mind
The common woman is as common
as the reddest wine.

(because I love it, and it needed to be shared.)

Something New

By

On September 1, 2007

In a Love: Onyx

Master and I are going to start a new aspect of our M/s relationship today, basically going with some training ideas, or the ideas in our contract. He wants me to call him Master in front of our roommates, too, and that part scares me a little. I’m a rather private person, and I don’t really enjoy the idea of doing that, but I’ll do it. It’ll be interesting.

I don’t know what other training ideas of mine he wants to incorporate yet, we basically decided on this last night, and I’m excited about it, but also scared, as I mentioned above, but also a little in general. I wonder about my ability to submit, I wonder if I’ll be good enough, if I’ll live up to both of our standards, if he even wants this.

We talked last night about 24/7 type things, about our M/s status in our relationship, about what I want. We didn’t really talk about what he wants. I don’t know what he wants most of the time, and I hope it’s this. He says he wants what I want, but has to get over his initial aversion to it. The last time he tried to enter into a 24/7 thing it ended with the woman completely dependent on him, 100%, and on some level he knows that won’t happen to me, but on another level he’s frightened that it might. This was something that only dawned on me yesterday, and so I brought it up, and he confirmed it. I should have thought of it before, but he doesn’t talk much about the D/s aspects of himself and his ex-wife, and I think that’s probably majorly because he’s not too happy/proud of them. I won’t go into details, as it’s not my right, but I can understand that.

On some level he knows that I am different, that I will not be like she was, but there is still that fear. It’s the same fear I have of him sometimes, though for a different reason. I have that “you’re going to leave me” fear, even though I know he won’t, not for years if ever, I know that he is different than the people I’ve been with/around before, but I still have that fear. It’s hard to get over those preconceived notions of current situations that we’ve gained from previous ones. But together, we will.

So far today I’m loving it. I love calling him Master, I love doing things with him, being with him, doing what he asks of me, and pleasing him in general. I’ve needed this, I’ve missed this, and I’m glad that we’re getting to a place where it’s being incorporated. I feel more alive, content, and fulfilled than I have in a long while.

Things I Want

By

On August 30, 2007

In a Love: Onyx

A collar like one of these two, or some combination thereof (but not ruby, like the first one is, garnet, which closely resembles what Master first described to me to be the collar he would like to get me:
(14:49:41) (@living`dead`pet) so, i decided that mentioning wanting to buy me a collar but then not getting one is not nice, despite of the fact that you can’t find one. that’s not the point.
(14:50:20) (@Pan) Oh I am getting you one
(14:50:33) (@living`dead`pet) i know
(14:50:58) (@living`dead`pet) but i want it now =P
(14:51:16) (@Pan) Maybe I’ll get you a fairly basic one at first until I can afford to have another custom made
(14:52:35) (@living`dead`pet) it could work
(14:52:47) (@living`dead`pet) i don’t completely mind waiting, only i do
(14:52:50) (@living`dead`pet) if that makes sense
(14:52:52) (@Pan) The one I envision would be pretty pricey, but very pretty
(14:53:02) (@living`dead`pet) oh?
(14:53:51) (@Pan) mmmhmmm
(14:55:01) (@Pan) Thinking of an all metal collar, with three rings and set with garnets
(14:56:13) • @living`dead`pet grins
(14:56:23) (@living`dead`pet) that sounds nice. though, yes, pricey
(14:57:38) (@Pan) But a nice leather collar in the meanwhile to let you get used to wearing it would be nice
(14:57:59) • @living`dead`pet nods
(14:58:37) • @Pan smiles



The first one shown is ruby, as mentioned, and I would want garnets, the second one has onyx. We were thinking one ring and maybe a garnet, onyx, garnet pattern or visa versa, something like this:

only with garnets and onyx, but the changing colors and number is correct. It’s super expensive, though, but I love it, and so does Master.

We also figure, with that, since it’s smallish I’d be able to wear play collars with it as well, and I could get a collar to wear at work that would be work-acceptable which would cover that one. So…

For work I want:

in black.

For play I want these two (and more):

And then generally I’m wanting to get both The Master’s Manual and The Compleat Slave both by Jack Rinella, two that go together and have both me and Master read them. Also wanting SlaveCraft which is written by “a grateful slave” and Guy Baldwin. They both seem interesting. I also want tons of other bondage books, but those are my current top-of-the-wishlist.

One whole year

By

On August 28, 2007

In a Love: Onyx

Today is my one year anniversary of moving to SLC. I’m listening to a couple voice posts I made on livejournal last year, including the revelation that I would be moving here. I’m thinking over the last year, as well, and all the things that has happened, and how short it seems.

Master and I are definitely at a different point than where we started when we started being 24/7, but we still aren’t nearly where I would like us to be, I think he agrees… I think. Sometimes I wonder if he would really want all the things I do, he doesn’t really like to be strict, he likes to give me leeway and let me get away with things… and while part of me likes and takes advantage of that, the other part of me…

Part of it, I think, is we need to set aside time, which I’ve been saying for a while. A lot of it is I need to feel better about myself, lose some weight, actually do some of the things I keep saying I will. I have been feeling disappointed in myself lately. Disappointed and ugly. It’s not a great thing to feel. And when I feel like this, I don’t want to give myself to someone else, I don’t feel worthy of giving myself to someone else. It just doesn’t quite work.

I question how much he wants to be my Master (not that he wants to be with me, mind you). I think he would be more comfortable as a Dom or Top, but I haven’t given him that luxury, and I think it’s hurting us a little. I question how much I want to be his slave, also (though, again, not that I want to be with him). I question how much I can give, how much I can trust, and how much I can rely on him.

We were at different places before I moved here, and I realize that more now, and we’ve had conversations about it. I was fully committed to him, and he wasn’t. Now he is to me, but I’m having trouble getting over that initial betrayal, not consciously, but my unconscious is driving my actions lately.

Whenever I feel bad, I shut down, close off, and he doesn’t know what to do when I do that, and I don’t know how to help him. I don’t know if I know how to not wall off when I do that. I’m trying, but… it’s difficult.

I go in waves, wanting to be his slave, wanting to be away from him, wanting nothing to do with him. Mostly it’s my stuff, honestly. Mostly I’m not opening up, I’m shutting down and running away for various reasons.

He recognizes mistakes, he knows I have trouble trusting him, and I don’t make it easy on him. I don’t make it easy at all, but he’s never let me go, and he’s never given me a reason to leave, only I have done that. Some days I’m so worried about losing him that I pull away and push him away at the same time, I try to distance myself because I’m sure I’m not good enough, or pretty enough, or too fat, but he pulls me back in. He’s wonderful like that.

I have no regrets about moving here, though I wish we lived alone, and I wish we could get out of this rut, and I think the former perpetuates the latter in some senses. I think I would do more if there weren’t other people in the house. I love my roommates, but I don’t want to live with them, I want our own space, and they both are “working” on moving out… we’ll see how soon that happens.

I’m very happy with him, and I’m happy to be with him, though not as happy to be in SLC (I’m much looking forward to going to San Fran), but it’s better than being in Ashland without him.

One year later, and still going strong.

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