Master and I had a wonderful talk last night. I felt like I was pushing my desires on him, that he doesn’t want M/s but a D/s relationship, that it’s not at all what he wants and I’ve just felt so lost. Part of it is he hasn’t ever really told me what HE wants, and it’s made me feel so lost. Part of it is he hasn’t known what he wants, and part of it, well… this is something we got into last night. He has never known anyone to put him first, and he hasn’t been letting me do that. Granted, I haven’t really been trying to, I’ve been wrapped up in my own need to be able to put him first, it’s an odd cycle, there, but it somehow makes sense.
He doesn’t know how to let me take care of him, because he’s never known anyone who wanted to, truly wanted to, and I guess I haven’t expressed that enough to him. He’s never had anyone who wanted to put him first, who wanted to do for him, who loved him for him and didn’t want to use him for some reason. We got emotional, we both broke down a little. I said we’ve been working on my walls for so long, it’s about time we worked on his, lol. And it’s true, he just has a better defense system than I do, I think.
So, we’re working on it. It was a huge breakthrough last night, and a small step on breaking down his walls, but mine aren’t completely gone either. We’re going to talk more, going to work on it, not put it off, not ignore the problem until it eats away at our insides.
He’s going to figure out what he wants from me as a slave, the next step is to figure out what the one after that is, how to get into this, how we can work on it.
I sent him a text message yesterday morning, which has been mulling around in my brain today as well, and ever since, we had talked about the Master’s responsibility to the slave two nights ago: “I figured it out. You need to let me be responsible for you by letting/making me submit and do for you and make your pleasures my own, while at the same time taking responsibility for me. It is about mutual responsibility, not just you getting more.” I think it was what led to this discovery we had last night in some senses.
He’s been pulling away, we’ve been getting in these ruts, and I’ve been pulling away, we’ve been working on it, but just… not completely, I don’t know. But we’re slowly working on changing, and that’s what really matters. We’re going to get to where we want to be, I know it. He’s going to let me put him first, and dote on him, and fulfill his every need, because that’s what we both really want.
Part of the revelation last night was that he was afraid that all I wanted from him was a Master, that I was just using him for that, as everyone has ever used him, that I wasn’t really wanting HIM. So part of our non-M/s oriented lifestyle since I moved here has been him testing that, seeing if I would leave if he didn’t act like my Master. It wasn’t conscious, but it happened. And I do want a Master, I crave it, and I’ve realized that.
I’ve been wondering for a while if it was something I do crave or something I want to crave, but it really is. It’s something I don’t want to live without, and that was something that came up last night too. But, I want a Master, but I also want him. I was going to suggest that maybe I get an online Master, or maybe if Kat and I further our relationship to the D/s level, maybe she would be enough, she could sate that need, and it’s possible. As it is, though, I want to fix Master and me before I go into that relationship with Kat. I want her, and I love her, and I want to be more with her, and more and more I’m realizing I want her to be my Domme. I think it would be wonderful, for both of us.
But already it feels as though a great weight has been lifted, that we can go further now, that we are on the right path, and we are. It’s taken us a year to get here, but we’re finally nearly here. I’ve stuck with him when he was ignoring me, I stuck with him through all his tests, I want him, I want him so badly, and even after two years I still love being with him, around him, near him, touching him, and so on and so on. It’s not just about M/s to me, but the M/s is also important. We are partners, and I love him, first and foremost, but I also crave to be a slave, and to be his slave.