Master and I are going to start a new aspect of our M/s relationship today, basically going with some training ideas, or the ideas in our contract. He wants me to call him Master in front of our roommates, too, and that part scares me a little. I’m a rather private person, and I don’t really enjoy the idea of doing that, but I’ll do it. It’ll be interesting.
I don’t know what other training ideas of mine he wants to incorporate yet, we basically decided on this last night, and I’m excited about it, but also scared, as I mentioned above, but also a little in general. I wonder about my ability to submit, I wonder if I’ll be good enough, if I’ll live up to both of our standards, if he even wants this.
We talked last night about 24/7 type things, about our M/s status in our relationship, about what I want. We didn’t really talk about what he wants. I don’t know what he wants most of the time, and I hope it’s this. He says he wants what I want, but has to get over his initial aversion to it. The last time he tried to enter into a 24/7 thing it ended with the woman completely dependent on him, 100%, and on some level he knows that won’t happen to me, but on another level he’s frightened that it might. This was something that only dawned on me yesterday, and so I brought it up, and he confirmed it. I should have thought of it before, but he doesn’t talk much about the D/s aspects of himself and his ex-wife, and I think that’s probably majorly because he’s not too happy/proud of them. I won’t go into details, as it’s not my right, but I can understand that.
On some level he knows that I am different, that I will not be like she was, but there is still that fear. It’s the same fear I have of him sometimes, though for a different reason. I have that “you’re going to leave me” fear, even though I know he won’t, not for years if ever, I know that he is different than the people I’ve been with/around before, but I still have that fear. It’s hard to get over those preconceived notions of current situations that we’ve gained from previous ones. But together, we will.
So far today I’m loving it. I love calling him Master, I love doing things with him, being with him, doing what he asks of me, and pleasing him in general. I’ve needed this, I’ve missed this, and I’m glad that we’re getting to a place where it’s being incorporated. I feel more alive, content, and fulfilled than I have in a long while.