Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.

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I didn’t intend to be vacant for the holidays, it just sort of happened that way.

Thursday the 16th was Onyx’s birthday. It feels like we’ve been going going going ever since. The party we threw for Onyx’s bday was a great success, then the lunar eclipse on Monday night, then we went to a solstice party on Tuesday, performed a solstice ritual on Thursday, and met my sister and her boyfriend at the airport on Saturday during their five-hour layover, then had people over on Sunday for the Sacred Sexuality Book Club we are hosting. There were plenty of other things in between, but those were the big ones.

All this activity and socializing has been making me a little crazy, honestly. I’m a hardcore introvert, by which I mean I recharge by being alone and get zapped of energy while socializing with others. I have been so much of a hermit the last few years, as well, that I’m still adjusting to being so social. It’s nice, though, we finally have a good group of friends that we know and like and have activities that we engage in. Our hermit-like behavior is becoming more chosen than default.

Luckily since Sunday and for the rest of this week we have absolutely no plans outside of work and New Years Eve, our usual Thursday night and Sunday afternoon activities have been cancelled so we’ll have lots of time for ourselves, which we have desperately needed after the last couple of weeks.

Technically we don’t celebrate “Christmas,” though my family has an important tradition of gift giving. We sent out quite a few presents and received many as well, the biggest of which was a KitchenAid Stand Mixer that was a group effort from a handful of my relatives. I’ve already used it a couple times and it is amazing! Seriously worth the money. I kind of want to start a food blog now but there’s no way I have time for another blog, I hardly have the time to update what I already have.

There were plenty of other awesome presents as well, including lots of Cthulhu items, some geeky shirts, lots of socks (I seriously have an obsession), some books, and a pair of amazing kick-ass and comfy knee-high boots (my tied-for-favorite gift with the Stand Mixer. They will be featured in a Wanton Wednesday soon)! Overall it’s been a great last few weeks and I’m very much looking forward to this week of relaxation.

Even though Christmas itself has passed I am still going to leave you with my newest favorite sorta-Christmas song by Lon Milo DuQuette “If We Believed.”

Happy Halloween!

I’m taking a class on the weekends, including this weekend. They are intense and rather draining, but we still did a bit of Halloween festivities. On Friday night we watched a few horror-themed pornos: The XXXorcist, Re-Penetrator, and Bella Loves Jenna. The first two are parodies (obviously), the third is just horror-like. They were both awesome and kind of disgusting. Lots of vomit in The XXXorcist, for instance, including during blowjobs and when the possessed women ejaculated. Ew. On the plus side they used toys from Divine Interventions! I seriously need to get my hands on some of those.

When I got home last night (Saturday) Onyx and I decided to take it easy rather than going out. We still got dressed up, though, so that we could take pictures and share them with you. We dressed up as vampires. Overdone, maybe, but we were inspired by the massive amount of True Blood we had been watching, and that some things are classics for a reason.

Happy Halloween, blessed samhain, etc. What did you do for Halloween?

In 2010…

I resolve to stop having meaningless sex in 2010, so I suggest you pay me a compliment or get me liquored up ASAP

Of the things I said I wanted to do in 2009 I didn’t do too badly, actually. Some of these things are the same, and some are different.

Get my body piercing license! – My biggest goal, which I hope I will be able to do in a year, but that will depend on when we can get the apprenticeship going and everything. I’ve been accepted, it will happen, but I have to wait until my teacher has the time to teach me and we have paperwork to figure out and all that good stuff. I hope to be done with my 1000 hours required to get the license by the end of the year, but we’ll see.

Get my driver’s license. – While we’re on the subject of licenses, this would also be a good one to get. It was part of my list of things I wanted to do in 2009 too and something I did not end up doing. Being here in Juneau, however, with access to cars may make this goal a little more attainable this year.

Write more. – The last half of 2009 wasn’t filled with as much writing as I think it should have been. Having time to myself up in Juneau is going to help with this, I think. This also means focusing more on this blog, maybe implementing another posting structure like I did a long while back where each day I have a topic I focus on posting about.

Comment more. – Commenting on other people’s posts is something I always mean to do but don’t always do. I know how much I love comments, even if they are just a few words or a couple sentences, so I like to spread the love around, but I don’t always have the time.

Figure out my job situation. – I would love to get a job with an online sex toy retailer which I could do from here while I pursue my apprenticeship and figure out my life. However, I know this is probably unrealistic, so I need to figure out what I can do in Juneau.

Get out of debt. – Or at very least reduce the amount of debt I have. Getting a job will greatly help with this, as will living with my Dad and not paying rent. School loans are the big thing here, unfortunately, but not the only.

Be more active. – This last year was not one of great activity, quite the contrary, and already in the last month since I’ve been here I’ve been out more and doing more things, or at least it feels that way. I want to be more active in general, socially as well as physically. I also want to get healthier, start going to the gym again, do more yoga, establish a routine, and lose weight. I’ll never be skinny, and I don’t want to be, but there’s healthy fat and unhealthy fat for my body and I’m in the latter phase right now.

Find a partner. – Specifically a female one, preferably here in Juneau, but I know that’s asking a lot. Who knows, though, it could happen.

And, last but not least…

Continue to learn and grow. – I think it’s nearly impossible not to do this one every year, but it’s something I am making a goal every year as I want to be consciously aware of it and work on it, not just have it happen to me.


Now that I am somewhat outside of the relationships that have consumed me and took over my life for the last eight or so months I find myself getting more in touch with my needs. I am glad to have so much alone time and time to focus on me as me rather than me in a relationship. I’m thinking about this blog again much more than I have for the last few months, though I still have more drafts than posts.

I have so many different aspects of myself that I’m trying to appease all at once and am realizing there is no real way for me to do that. They are easily expressed by what appear to be binaries, but only because of the limitations of language and binaries being so ingrained in our way of thinking/expressing. There are multiple facets within each of the “binary” (appearing) identities, such as Top and bottom each having different aspects of power roles as well as sadomasochistic roles and kinks and fetishes of their own, and there is a multi-identity as well, such as switch. The same is true for my gender identities, though they can be broken down into femme and fagette there are multiple aspects within each and a multi-identity being genderfluid or multigendered.

I’m getting back in touch with the kink side of me, which is sad that somehow it got lost in the relationships I was having, but also understandable. The ability to have sexual intimacy was strained basically since July when Marla moved in with us, and before that it was strained as well for different reasons. This impacted a lot of things, but the little sex and sexual intimacy we were able to have was almost always short and usually fairly vanilla.

Specifically I miss bottoming. I haven’t done a lot of it in the last few months at all, though I have done some Topping. I actually miss more than bottoming, I miss submitting, and these days I often find myself desiring intense power play situations. I miss analyzing things on here as well, and having things to analyze beyond the triad. I realize I used to write a lot about power play, especially being a feminist submissive and all that can come along with that, back when my site was Fem(me)inist Fucktoy. I just miss power play in general, so much that I’ve actually gone on IRC and done some anonymously, though it’s no substitute for the real thing.

Onyx came up here for New Year’s and leaves tomorrow, which was good timing considering the desire for bottoming I’ve had. We’ve had a wonderful week so far and it has helped me remember how well we work together, how we used to work years ago before a lot of other things started getting in the way. I still don’t know what that means for us as partners, however. He’s been my lover, my friend, and my family for over four years and I hate that he spent both his birthday and the recent holidays alone, which was a big factor in my wanting him to come up here, but not the only factor. However, I still feel broken and damaged. I wonder when I will be able to trust anyone again, myself included. I still maintain that I need to be alone for a while, and he knows this and is willing to give me the time I need while still being able to be in touch and see each other.

Juneau is a good place for me to be for a while, to heal my wounds, to figure things out, to rediscover parts of myself I lost or forgot about. I’m not yet sure how to reconcile everything I feel inside, and often wonder if it is legitimate. I am still trying to figure out the underlying desires and drives which cause me to act how I do, but it’s a life-long task which may never be finished. In many ways I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’m taking it one day at a time.

Holiday Wishlist


This little meme has been circulating around and I thought I would give it a go too! The madness was started by Essin’ Em who also did it last year as I recall. Though I didn’t participate last year I did do something similar, my XXXmas Wishlist which was more outrageously fantastical stuff which I desired (and got one of) and this stuff is a mix of that and a little more attainable stuff.

Please do comment here if you create a list, or if you have one already and I don’t have it listed below and I will be sure to read it and attempt to help you out as much as I can. I’m broke, though, so I’m going to do as much as I can without spending monies. If you help me with anything from my list, I will do my best to reciprocate.

Just to clarify, I’m not expecting anything from this list, especially the things that cost money. The free stuff I would love to receive but the rest of it are closer to pipe dreams.

Steps (truncated)

  • Make a post listing your wishes. If you wish for real possible things, make sure you include some sort of contact info.
  • Visit the lists of others. If you see a wish you can grant, and it’s in your heart to do so, make someone’s wish come true.
  • You needn’t spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn’t to put people out, it’s to provide everyone a chance to spread the joy. You can make your gift or give away something you have that someone wants. Gifts can be made anonymously given or not — it’s your call.

My Wishlist (in no particular order)

  1. Comments, Links, Advice, etc. – Pretty simple and money-free! Comments on any of my posts, new and old, especially on reviews over at Wanton Lotus, my reviews don’t get much love. Links on your sidebar/links page/twitter/whathaveyou, again especially to Wanton Lotus would be lovely because this blog seems to be linked more often than that one and they are separate blogs. Advice on things you would like to see more of or things you would like me to include that I don’t or etc., either here or on WL. I have some ideas about things I want to do, unfortunately I’ve been a bit side-tracked by this thing called life for quite a while and haven’t yet gotten around to them, but I’m working on them now that I have more time!
  2. Hook ups to or leads on awesome (sex positive) jobs – Especially those I could do remotely from where I am now. I need a job, and I would especially love to work in sexuality or with a sex toy company or any other wonderful thing. The trick may be my current location, but I know there are plenty of jobs that could be done remotely. If you know of someone looking or know of where I could look please pass on that information.
  3. Parisian Style Floor Length Skirt from Hips ‘n’ Curves – I fell in love with this the moment I laid eyes on it. I must have it.
  4. Corset Magic Boots from Pennangalan just like last year, I have wanted these boots for years and have never gotten around to actually getting them (could be because I’m broke). I love them, and I think they would be comfy too!
  5. Anything on my BodyArtForms Wishlist, especially these Scarlet Lotus plugs (00g), how can I not want them when they have the same name as me?! Or these gorgeous Bone Hanging Lotuses (0g) they’re expensive but absolutely gorgeous! I’m stretching to 00g right now, but I would still be able to wear these even at 00g and would because they’re so absolutely lovely.
  6. Courtney Trouble’s films which I do not own, the newest ones really. I need to get to reviewing the ones I have. Other than Nostalgia I have Speakeasy, 7 Minutes in Heaven, and Roulette which I haven’t reviewed yet, so I’m missing Roulette Dirty South, Roulette Berlin, and 7 Minutes in Heaven 2: Tender Hearted from the ones that are currently out.
  7. While we’re on the subject of porn, also anything by Pink & White (except Champion), anything by/with Madison Young, anything wonderfully queer and good quality, anything by Tristan Taormino, anything with April Flores (except Glamazons and above) basically anything wonderful. Would be willing to do reviews in exchange for these, of course, and probably would do reviews regardless.
  8. LELO Mona (in red) and Ina (in purple) – The two newest LELO products and the two ((besides the Luxe line and Billy)) I do not own. I lust after everything LELO and desperately want to try their newest creations!
  9. Njoy Eleven, Pure Wand, Pure Plug (any size), or Pure Plug 2.0 – I have a couple Njoy toys, but not these, and I especially would love an Eleven!
  10. Buy something through my Affiliate Links – Good for you, since you’re getting something fabulous, and good for me because I get a bit of whatever you spend. There’s lots of wonderful things you can get from sex toys to porn to books to kink gear, lingerie, etc.

I may add more as I think of them, but this is it for now.

Other Wonderful People with Lists!

In 2009…

Like many others, I’m not a big fan of resolutions. Instead I prefer to set goals that may actually be attainable, or ones that aren’t just to see if I can do them. So…

In 2009 I want to:

Move to Seattle! – We’re 99.9% sure it will happen the weekend of the 16th of January, probably heading out of here the morning of the 17th.

Comment more. – There are so many wonderful blogs out there that I read, and many more that I’m sure I don’t, and I don’t comment most of the time, even sometimes if I feel like it. I know I love it when I get comments, so I want to spread the love around! I just need to start doing it.

Write more smut. – Something I keep telling myself I’m going to do, but end up failing at it. I’m not very secure in my smut-writing abilities, and to get better at it I really need to write more of it. Plus, you all seem to like it when I do.

Get a job (that I enjoy). – Somewhat self-explanatory. I’ve been out of work for five months now, and while it’s been kind of enjoyable (but also stressful to not have a job) I need to get one, and I think it’ll be easier to get one in Seattle. Looking at sex shops there but unsure if they’re hiring, also just about anywhere, there are lots more opportunities there.

Get healthier. – I was doing really well with going to the gym for a while there in 2008 after coming back from Juneau, but I’ve lapsed a bit on it. The apartment we’re (probably) moving in to has both a gym and a pool in the complex, so I’ll have no excuses not to work out. I’m not as focused on weight-loss as I am general health and wellbeing, feeling better and moving better, but I’m also not opposed to losing weight should that also occur.

Take more photographs. – My 365 portraits project will help with that, though I really want to take photos of others as well. I really enjoy portraits and pin-up type photos of others and want to do more of that in this year.

Figure out grad school. – Meaning, figure out what I want to get in Seattle before going to IASHS in San Fran. We’ll end up being in Seattle for a few years before going down there, and I think I want to get a Masters from UW but I’m not sure in what. Possibly creative writing. Maybe something else.

Do something sexual I’ve never done before. – Multiple partners, perhaps. Or a number of other things. Sex in public, maybe. I’m not sure. Something sexy that I haven’t done. I should make a list of things I haven’t done that I want to do too.

Get my drivers license. – I know, it’s crazy. I don’t have a license to drive and I never have. It’s just never happened, and although I’ve needed one it’s never been the right time. Plus, if I got one in Oregon or Utah it would disqualify me for the PFD from Alaska, so I never got one in the last four plus years living outside of Alaska because of that. I will get one in Washington.

Continue to learn and grow. – I think it’s nearly impossible not to do this one, really, but it’s something I want to highlight every year.


In the Year 2008


Yes, yes, a yearly review post is a little cliche, but it’s also nice for me to think about what has happened over the past year, and maybe nice for you to read about it and recall some of the things that made up my year. Some things feel like they were years ago, when they were really just a few months. It’s funny how perception of time is such a fluctuating thing.

In 2008…

I’m sure there was more that happened in 2008, those are just the highlights, but it was a good year. I may add more later if I think of other things.

2009 is going to be a great one as well. T-two weeks until we move to Seattle!

Happy New Year!


Hope your 2009 is filled with everything you need, loads of hot sex, kinky fun, keen personal insights, growth, and, most of all, partying! Good times and good sex is what 2009 is all about.

It’s pretty much official that 2009 for me is going to be my first year in Seattle, almost a full year at that. Onyx and I are about 95% sure we are moving the weekend of the 16th. We have multiple possibilities for both apartments and jobs in Seattle and know how we are going to move, now we just have to do it.

2009 will be the year of Seattle for me! What are you going to do in 2009?

The Bunny Winner Is…

#4 Kat – so be expecting an email from me very soon!

Thanks to the Random Number Generator for picking the winner for me, and thank you all for commenting/entering. I absolutely loved hearing what you all are interested in doing next year, and I hope you get to accomplish all your desires.

A big huge thank you very much to Babeland.Com for giving me the Elastomer Rabbit Habit to give away in the first place!

There will be more contests in the future, so be sure to enter those! Someone’s gotta win, why not you?

Pleasurists will have a contest very soon featuring four kinky items from PinkCherry.Com!

Happy Christmas!

Like many families, my family doesn’t celebrate Christmas from a Christian standpoint, mostly from a cultural standpoint. None of us are really Christian, per se. Christmas music is huge in our house, however, mostly because of my mother, the rest of us like it for the most part (possibly because it’s one of those family things since mom plays it all the time around Christmas time) but we don’t do as much listening as she does.

Since Christmas music is so big in my family I thought I would share with you my favorite Christmas song. It’s not terribly well-known (read: not overplayed). I usually listen to The Carpenters version of it, but I found the Frank Sinatra version of it on YouTube and thought I’d share that.

It is The Christmas Waltz.

Happy Christmas to all you who celebrate it, religiously or culturally. Happy Hanukkah, Happy Solstice (a few days ago), Happy Holidays to all, and may New Years bring you all the happiness and gifts that you desire.

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