Purveyor of Pleasure

Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.

Tag: corsets

Thoughts and Experiences of Gender

Someone in a facebook group I’m in asked the question “What are your thoughts and experiences figuring out where you fall, or don’t, on the gender spectrum?” so here’s my response.

A big part of my gender experience at the moment is being sick of being seen as female, though I don’t exactly feel male either, and I strongly identify with being femme. I have played with gender consciously for years, got a degree in gender studies to help me figure some of this out (I hoped it would, anyway), and have been contemplating medical transition type stuff pretty seriously for a while now.

I have known myself to be genderqueer for over a decade (that’s when I started having language around it), and definitely have been genderqueer and worn a mixture of “masculine” and “feminine” clothing for as long as I remember. When I was very young in playdates with friends I would rarely put myself in a masculine or feminine role with things we were playing, but would choose gender neutral things (such as, we were playing wedding and I would be the officiator rather than the bride or groom–though that wasn’t 100% of the time). My mom encouraged me to wear pants and more androgynous clothing, but I also really enjoyed dresses, skirts, and more feminine clothes as well. In high school I began consciously developing my own genderqueer style, which included wearing suits one day, and a skirt and fishnets the next; or sometimes a “men’s” button up shirt, tie, skirt, and fishnets all together; or a suit jacket with a corset; or punk-y bondage pants and a tshirt; or all sorts of other things. I wore a suit to my Junior Prom, and then a vinyl dress to my Senior Prom. I shaved my head when I was 16 and kept my hair short through most of the rest of high school, constantly dying it crazy colors. I have so many other expressions and experiences that make me really realize how long I’ve been non-binary genderqueer, but that’s enough for now.

I was one of the very few out people in my high school, having come to understand myself as “bisexual” (so I called myself then, I usually go for “queer” now) in seventh grade. This and my style of dress managed to make me an outsider and weirdo, but I always felt comfortable there too. However, I had little experience with people who wanted to date me during these years, mostly people were interested in fooling around a bit, but not actually in a relationship.

In college I started experimenting and expressing femininity more, at least partially (unconsciously) because I thought that would help me get a partner. I also lost a good chunk of weight and could fit into the very high end of standard sizing (or mostly the in between sizes, but sometimes that meant standard sizing). When beginning to delve deeper into femininity and explore that I immediately was most identified with a femininity I found expressed by gay men and drag queens, but I also immediately rejected that I could express that type of femininity due to being AFAB, and was confused and sad about it.

I did find myself a partner during this phase when I was attempting to be femme cis woman, and luckily he is someone who supports me in all of my gender expression. I have struggled for years to figure out how to express myself in a way that felt truly authentic, and so I’ve just tried as best as I could. Over the years I’ve amassed a gigantic makeup collection as well as clothing all along the “gender spectrum.” I really enjoy a wide range of gender expression, as I always have. I began packing and binding quite a few years ago, and do so off and on. I also enjoy to wear push up bras, corsets, and high femme dresses. I enjoy it all.

I tried for so many years to be content with being a cis femme or femme genderqueer for a long time. Now I’m beginning to work on being seen more and read as a guy, even though I don’t identify as male or feel male really fits me, but I know female doesn’t fit me even more. If I have to choose (which I both do and don’t), I would much rather be read as male than female. So I’m much more interested in being read as a femme guy than a femme woman at this point, because that at least feels closer to who I am, even if it is not quite right. I actually have an appointment in a few hours to begin testosterone to see if it’s right for me. As I said at the beginning of this post, I’m really sick of being seen as female, which seems to happen no matter how I dress or what I do. I wholly embrace my femininity and the closest way I have to describe my gender at this point is as a non-binary genderqueer femme trans person (maybe trans guy if I need to orient myself slightly in binary land–which seems to help some people see me–plus “guy” feels slightly gender-neutral at this point too). In the last few years I’ve been able to see (digitally, mostly) a number of femme trans guys and realize that aspects of transition are an option for me, which has definitely shifted my idea of what my future could be like.

All that said, I’m not sure I’ve figured out gender at all. I’m getting somewhat close, maybe.

Spiral Stair Corset 3 (WW)

My last of three Wanton Wednesday posts from a shoot I did two weeks ago now. You can also view the first or the second in case you missed either. I took these myself using my tripod and camera remote. Finally you can see more of the entire ensemble! These more than any of the previous ones highlight the difference between this batch of corset pictures and when I wore the corset before.

Finally, also, you get to see the bottom of the stairs. Well, the railing at least.

P.S. I know the first and third images are similar, but I love them both and I couldn’t decide!

Spiral Stair Corset 2 (WW)

Here is the second of three posts for Wanton Wednesday from a shoot I did last week. I was trying to highlight the staircase more in these ones. They didn’t turn out exactly as I wanted them to, but I love both of these shots anyway.

Spiral Stair Corset 1 (WW)

I haven’t done a Wanton Wednesday post in a long time. True to form I’m sneaking in right at the last minute.

Tonight when I was trying on one of my old corsets to see if it would fit. When I discovered it did indeed fit (for the first time in about two years) I decided it was worthy of some pictures. I’ve worn this corset before in pictures here, and it actually fits better than it did then. I hadn’t tried it on in a while. Also, I crocheted the shawl myself.

As for the location, we moved at the beginning of August. We’re now in a one bedroom plus loft rather than simply a one bedroom. We have these wonderful spiral stairs in our apartment and I’ve been wanting to take photographs on them since we moved in. We’ve also been wanting to fuck on them since we moved in which we finally did last night.

I’ll be posting more from this set in the next two weeks. These all were taken at the top of the stairs and those were taken at the bottom. I took all of these myself using my tripod and my camera remote.

Those of you who follow me on Twitter have already basically seen the one above, I turned it into my twitter picture immediately once it was on my computer. There are two more below.

New Year's Eve HNT

For the HNT this week we’re supposed to choose our favorite HNT from the year. I’ve done 18 since I started participating in Half-Nekkid Thursdays back at the end of July. I can’t just decide on one, so I’m going to show a few that I particularly loved.

Scarlet Seductions

My first HNT that I think captures a lot about me within it. Original post here.

Baby Dyke

A picture of me from way back in 2002. Short hair, corset, my trademark leopard print coat. Kind of a wonderful way of looking back at my past for me, and one of my favorite photographs of me as well. Original post here.

Bare

A little sexy, a little exposed, a little femme. What else is there to say? Original post here.

Fabulous
HNT Fabulous Fishnets   HNT Fabulous Leopard Coat
Other somewhat “quintessential me” pictures. This is kind of how I see me: fishnets, scarlet corset, leopard print coat. All me. Original post here.

Fabulous (HNT)

I was feeling fabulous and decided to put on my red leather corset, fishnets, and red and leopard print shoes. I did a few classic pinup poses but photos from my perspective.

HNT Fabulous Fishnets

I thought my legs looked pretty wonderful, but my boobs looked pretty awesome as well, so I had to get a nice shot of that. Similar perspective, but different focus…

HNT Fabulous Boobs

I took a few shots with my leopard print coat, to match the shoes. I’ve had this coat for about nine years, and I still love it! It’s had it’s share of repairs, but is still as fabulous as ever.

HNT Fabulous Leopard Coat

And a little back view…

HNT Fabulous Leopard Coat Back View

My fabulous drag queen self couldn’t resist showing off today, as my flame is burning bright. I’ve been thinking a lot about my genders lately, and my affinity with Mae West, and if you haven’t read my post on The Femme’s Guide please do! I’m feeling really happy with my body, happier than I have in a while, and I think it shows.

Corseted (HNT)


Click for the larger version.

I was feeling like a change, thinking of cutting my hair, and although it’s not a major change I did part my hair on the side instead of in the middle (shockingly different, I know), but I also did myself up all pretty with makeup, though the eye detail is hard to see because of the glasses, but I’m okay with that.

I haven’t been able to fit into this corset for two years, and I barely got into it now, but I did get into it (with Onyx’s help), which made me feel very good. I was going for a sort of 50s pin-up type look, but that didn’t come across with the shawl, but I have a thing about showing my arms, especially my upper arms, I blame my dad for that, so I had to cover them up with something. I really like purple, gray, and black together, though, so I think it works.

I have nothing great or profound to say, except simply being happy that I can fit into the corset again (kind of), and I’m hoping that I’ll be able to fit into my cherry blossom underbust corset again soon. We can hope! It’s my favorite. I’ve got lots of posts lined up, I just need to write them. In the meantime, enjoy my other favorite pictures from me in this corset that I love and haven’t worn forever.

 

 
Click each image for the larger versions.

Scarlet Seductions


Click here for the larger version

Popped my HNT Cherry! I wanted to do something very “me” for this my very first Half-Nekkid Thursday, so I put on my leather scarlet corset and scarlet and white polka dot skirt and grabbed my lovely scarlet and white Vicky Venus dildo and my terra-firma harness and took tons of pictures, though only a couple were really worthy of posting, as it goes.

I thought the whiteness of my thighs (I am a pasty white Alaskan, you know) along with the white and scarlet of the skirt and Vicky would look just lovely, and you can see some of my Bettie Page tattoo peeking out from under the skirt (the second “hidden” picture shows more of the tattoo and more of the corset). And just look at how cute the Vicky Venus dildo is! It is my favorite, I am so enamored with her. She’s even got a little belly button!

Taking these made me start to lust after the wireless remote control that Amazon has for my camera, and also a tripod. Neither of which I have, but both of which would be helpful for future HNT’s and photography in general.

One of the things I really want to do is take more pictures, but it’s difficult to take self-pictures (without a remote and tripod especially) and I have a lack of models. I much prefer models/portraits/people to landscapes and such. I suppose I could start advertising, but part of it is that I don’t feel ready to shoot models because I don’t think I’m “that” good yet. However, perhaps I just need to put that aside, because the more I shoot the better I will be.

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