Purveyor of Pleasure

Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.

Tag: body mods

Eight Hours

Sitting and watching the minutes tick away until it is 8 hours to my surgery (or at least, the start time they’ve given me), when I’m no longer allowed to eat. I am wondering how much I’ll be able to sleep tonight, given my level of anxious anticipation of the event.

A brief aside, though, I installed a fancy new bidet toilet seat today, which will be of great help to me while I am unable to use my arms. It will also be of great help to me in life, because bidets are rad and I have wanted one for a long time. This is as good of an excuse as any! Those of you who are coming over to help, visit, or drop off a meal will be welcome to try it, or at least marvel at it, or ignore it, idk, you do what you want!

I’m certainly scared. The level of certainty around this that came after the pre-op appointment has melted a little bit in the last few hours and all those questions I posted about previously are back in my head. I kind of anticipated this, and also was hoping to avoid it.

As the time creeps slowly onward and I get closer and closer to surgery time, my thoughts are thinking of aesthetics. At the Community Queerituality meeting I attended this evening we discussed a lot of things, including queer aesthetics. Some of the things cited by the facilitator as queer aesthetics were brightly colored hair, piercings, and an undercut, all of which I sport on the daily. My response to this had me contemplating aloud the ways those aspects of my appearance had been constants over the last sixteen plus years and came from other countercultures I have been part of, not initially markings (to me) of my queerness, but certainly of some kind of alternative social affiliation. I also shared about my strong desire for many years to be seen as queer while I was trying really hard to be cis. Definitely these aspects of my appearance are markers of difference, but not inherently (to me) of queerness.

In typical post-sharing-in-a-group anxiety, my brain is going over the things I said in that context and the responses I got. Another participant, not long after I spoke, mentioned disliking the idea that queerness had any particular aesthetic, and I’m not sure if it’s my anxiety that is telling me they were addressing what I had said directly, meaning I hadn’t quite explained what I was trying to say adequately, or if they were riffing off of the topic itself. I agree with them, ultimately, but this is part of the basis for what is coming up in me tonight. The hook that the transphobia is able to get in through, maybe.

The questions swimming around my brain are about aesthetics. This is a procedure that is designed to change my aesthetics, designed to change my outward physical appearance. It is different than a purely aesthetic surgery, however, because it is a trans surgery, because it is about gender confirmation, and yet it is still about aesthetics in the sense it is about what we can perceive and about beauty and reality. It is about what other people will see when they look at me, and what I will see and feel when I am with myself. It is about sensation and senses and perception and we may talk about these things as being superficial, but they really aren’t, they’re about how we experience the world and manifest reality.

Writing this out has been useful for those thoughts so freely floating around. I have never disliked having a large chest, exactly, though it hasn’t felt like mine or part of me in a while. Certainly it has been both inconvenient and wonderful at times. When I was younger and striving/trying/pretending to be cis, I placed a lot of emphasis on my chest and the way it looked in clothing. I was proud of my fat hourglass figure. I hung a lot of my own self-worth and self-esteem on being sexually desirable, and my chest was always a part of that. It was rarely for me, but as a symbol or indicator of something. It took me a long time to unpack that for myself, part of those two plus years of talking and thinking and feeling into this surgery as an option for me was really investigating where my desires were coming from. I’ve said for a long time that my ideal form is as a shapeshifter, being able to play with my form however I like. I’m sure most of us would choose that, if given the option, but not all of us would play with the same aspects of our form.

There is a declaration in this action as well. I am claiming ownership of my body and my ability to declare who I am. I have had other body mods that have functioned as me claiming my body as my own, both in the form of piercings and tattoos, and in some ways this is the same, but in other ways it is completely different. I don’t entirely understand gender, honestly. I don’t think anyone does. My experience of it is something innate, something sacred, something that can also be fluid and changeable. I have been worried that my desire for this has more to do with expectations of what being trans looks like in an AFAB body, or because of the trans narrative that says this is what I should want. I am afraid of a lot of things, but that is a big one.

The more I think about it, write about it right now, and really feel into my body, the more I know my body is done with having this large chest. That’s kind of as much as I can know right now. I am supposed to have this experience, for whatever reason, maybe including because it is part of the dominant trans narrative. But this is not for superficial reasons. This is not for fitting in reasons. I think this is the important part, what was bugging me about the exchange earlier. My appearance has never been intended to fit into any particular sub- or counter-culture, even if it does or has. I am always, before anything else, wearing what I want to wear and looking how I want to look. This is, of course, influenced by cultures of various kinds, but it has to do with what aesthetics please me the most. I am forever trying to figure out how I can be comfortable with the person staring back at me in the mirror. That is the most important factor in all of this for me. The change that surgery marks is both big and not big in this sense. It will change everything and nothing all at once.

Cleavage Decoration (WW)

This week Wanton Wednesday has a theme: cleavage. I figure in order to show my cleavage I also have to show the things I decorate them with daily.

I love necklaces, all types of jewelry really. I am nearly always wearing three necklaces these days. The two that are pictured are spiritual ones: the lower one is a tree of life, the upper one is two pendants on one chain (an Om symbol and a Star of Babalon). The third is a celtic heart with a garnet in the middle which Onyx gave to me quite some time ago and is, essentially, my collar.

On September 23rd I got two new piercings to decorate my cleavage. They are microdermals, basically an L-shaped bar that sits under the skin.

I love this shot too much not to include it, pardon the blurryness

Click to see who else is playing this week…

Top and Tattoo (HNT)

In some ways this was an accidental HNT. This is what I was wearing yesterday, and upon pondering what to show you all for this weekly activity (or not so weekly if you’re me) I decided to just go with the matching that I was already doing and show off my favorite tattoo.

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The shirt and tattoo are both Bettie Page as drawn by Olivia De Berardinis. This is actually my second version of this shirt, though I still have the first. The first is very worn and much less vibrant than this one, but that makes sense as I’ve had it for many years.

Bettie was my third tattoo, after a stylized heart and a cancer (zodiac) symbol. I got her in June of 2005 done by Stevie of Paradise Tattoo & Piercing in my hometown Juneau, Alaska. For some reason her face never looks as perfect in pictures as it does in real life, it’s seriously just about identical to the shirt, Stevie did an amazing job.

I have eight tattoos in total, but she is my favorite. I hope to eventually have my right leg covered in pin-up girls, but for now I just have two.

Flesh is the Law

Just because I feel like sharing, and I’m still hyped up from the show…

In honor of the band we went to see tonight, The Genitorturers, I present to you one of my two favorite songs of theirs (the one they didn’t play at the concert–the other favorite is Sin City). After the concert we got a poster (which I put up right when we got home) and their newest DVD. ALSO, Gen (the lead singer) signed and kissed my boob! It was fabulous! The entire show was wonderful, and it was great to meet some new people and see others in a different setting than we’re used to.

Without further ado…

And, since I’m proud of it, here’s the signature she left on my boob, she kissed right below it too, it was hot! It kind of makes me want to get it tattooed, not because I’m really into her/them per se, but because it looks awesome and it’s the first time I’ve had my boob signed before! (It’s kind of like getting a second HNT pic this week)

Tomorrow we shall return you to our regularly scheduled postings.

Ballet Shoes and Rainbow Knee Socks (HNT)

I decided to combine two of my favorite things for this week’s HNT. Knee socks have been going around the HNT world lately, because not only are they hot but they’re also a staple of fall weather and fashion (in my opinion), and knee sock fetishes seem to abound among us sex bloggers.

Originally I was going to do a “officially fall hnt” which consisted of me outside of my apartment with fallen leaves around me next to the tree that shed them wearing the knee socks and knee-length skirt that I haven’t been able to wear in months (for it has been to small for me but fits now!), however when I went out to take it first I didn’t get the pictures that I wanted and then when I went back out there was a bee outside. For those of you who don’t know, I have a huge insect phobia, which includes bees especially.

I kept checking back and apparently the bee didn’t want to leave from right at the bottom of my steps, so since that idea didn’t work I thought of what else to do. I was going to just do pictures of my favorite knee socks with my dark red satin sheets as the background, but then I noticed my ballet heel shoes on the floor by my bed and decided to add them as well! I do have a slight shoe fetish, mostly for me wearing them, and especially for me wearing them.

I bought these shoes at a second-hand clothing shop in Portland in spring of 2006. Ballet heel shoes are notoriously expensive, and I found these for $29 (instead of the usual ~$125) and since they were in my size and I had been lusting after ballet heel shoes/boots forever there was no way I could pass them up! I haven’t worn them too often, I definitely can’t walk in them (while some people can, I maintain that they’re for fucking, crawling, and sitting), but I still love them!

I hope you enjoyed, and here are a few more, they’re kind of similar, but I love them so I still wanted to share. You can see my Bettie Page tattoo pretty well in the last one, though it looks much better in person.

 


Click each image for the larger versions.

14 Facts about Scarlet

This little meme has been going around the blogosphere for the last week or so, and although I usually pass on memes in this blog, there’s no way I can pass up an opportunity to talk about myself (do I ever? That’s what this blog is for, isn’t it?), plus I am susceptible to peer pressure. Anyway. I was actually tagged twice, once by Kyle of Butchtastic and the second time by The Butterfly Temptress (I think that’s all who tagged me… if you did and I missed it let me know?), so I’ll give you 14 instead of 7, just ’cause I can.

The Rules:
-Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
-Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog – some random, some weird.
-Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blog.
-Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

  1. I currently have 31 piercings (eighteen in my ears, three in my nose, one in my tongue, two in my nipples, one VCH, and six inner labia), have retired four (two in my nipples–I had four at one time and LOVED them and miss them, a snug ear piercing, and a upper lobe ear piercing), and have plans for a few more.
  2. I have eight tattoos (a stylized heart on my left cleavage, a zodiac cancer symbol on the outer side of my right breast, a zodiac aries symbol behind my left ear, a heart-shaped padlock on my right wrist, a key with heart-shaped handle on my left wrist, a rendering of Bettie Page by Olivia on my right thigh, and Gil Elvgren’s pinup witch on my right calf) and plans for many many more.
  3. I always wear skirts or dresses, except when I go to the gym or am doing yoga. Part of this is because of my labia piercings, but also because I just don’t like pants very much.
  4. Similar to above, I never wear underwear unless I absolutely have to, and whenever I do wear underwear it’s always sexy-type underwear with lace or satin or ruffles and usually black, though sometimes red.
  5. I have only ever been on one roller coaster in my life, when I was in 5th grade or so(?), a blue one at Knotts Berry Farm that was basically just a loop that you went through both backwards and forwards. I used to hate roller coasters, but I think my opinion of them has changed and I would be down with going on them now.
  6. When I came out to my mother as bisexual she said “I thought you were a lesbian.”
  7. I have always been a cat person. The most amount of cats I’ve had at one time is nine, which is right now because our mama cat had kittens on the 24th of August, they will soon be leaving, though. The second highest number was seven (due to her last litter in April). Soon we will go down to just having two, maybe three if we keep a gray one from this litter.
  8. I used to dislike dogs for the most part and I absolutely did not want to have one, but lately I have been obsessed with the idea of having a Shiba Inu because they are amazingly adorable.
  9. I absolutely hate tomatoes and most tomato-based products including marinara sauce. When I get pizzas I prefer to get alfredo or pesto sauce or no sauce at all.
  10. I have not eaten red meat since I was 11. I have been a vegetarian since I was 15. I have never had pork, except for a bite of bacon at camp when I was very young, which I spit out because I thought it was gross. I did not become vegetarian for political reasons, but because I do not like meat. I do, however, love quorn chicken and insist it tastes like chicken, but not like murder.
  11. I have never broken any bone in my body, the closest I’ve come is I have sprained my ankle multiple times. I fell off the 15 feet high deck when I was younger and only had a minor concussion.
  12. Aside from annuals at Planned Parenthood I haven’t gone to a doctor since I was 5. My mother is a big fan of homeopathic remedies, and incidentally so am I.
  13. I have been trying to go to the gym every day since I got back from my vacation, I have been averaging about five times a week. I have been doing a half hour of cardio, a half hour of weights, and then an hour of cardio every day. I have gotten past the weight I was gaining and losing and am now just losing.
  14. I can balance things on my head, such as books, baskets, boxes, etc. and I can walk with them on, including up stairs, and sit with them without dropping them. Once I get back into belly dancing I want to work on balancing a sword on my head.

I’m tagging (people who I think haven’t been tagged yet):
Nadia West
Amber
Essin’ Em
And anyone else who hasn’t been tagged that wants to be!

Seven, Sieben, Siete, Sju

Seven quirks/habits/facts about myself. Some of this information may be known by some and not by others, so…

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1. Butch Despite my high femme appearance lately in high school I was extremely butch. I kept my hair anywhere from shaved to about 3″ long. For a long time I would only play men in plays. I shaved my head once and kept it shaved for a while. I went to my Junior prom in a black suit and fedora with pink tie, socks, and hair to match my date’s pink dress. I still don’t really feel female, I don’t feel male either, though I also wonder if someone can feel like their sex if they know that their sex and gender do not have to be correlated. I now identify as a femme drag queen, or high femme sometimes, but I still love putting on men’s suits and hiding my hair under a fedora every once in a while.

2. Hair Dye I am addicted to dying my hair. Although this has changed in the last few years as I have been growing my hair out and it is extremely damaged due to my hair dying for a while in high school I used to dye my hair about once a week. I have had nearly every color in my hair which you can think of: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, pink, blonde, brown, redhead, black, silver, teal, turquoise, light green, dark green, light purple, dark purple, reddish purple, blueish purple, fuscia, orangey red, pinkish red, blood red/scarlet, light red, light pink, hot pink, etc. Currently my hair is black and while I love it I also miss having other colors in it but can’t because I’m not allowed to at work. Instead of dying now I wear hair falls.

3. Astrology (while I do mention this in my profile and have the filter, this is slightly different) I’ve taken quite a few classes on astrology by a (certified, I believe) astrologist. I have learned quite a lot and know (barely) how to interprate a chart and the basics of most things. Although this is true, I have trouble with interpreting a number of things, mostly that which I do not have in my chart or that which I have retrograde or etc. I can intellectually explain and understand them, but I can’t feel them like I feel other signs/planets/etc.

4. IRC I am addicted to going on IRC. This ebbs and flows as addictions do, but I love going on there. Usually I go to irc.bondage.com or irc.sexnet.org or often both. You can find me in various channels on either network. Master and I even met on IRC, on sexnet in a channel called #group-sex (back in the golden age of g-s). The majority of our relationship was developed over bondage.com, however, but we originally met on sexnet. I have made many friends this way, and though many of you know this already many of you don’t.

5. Body Modifications Though I do say this in my profile, that I am “a body-mod addict (thirty-four piercings and eight tattoos)” I do not describe those. I love body modifications in general, and I would like to apprentace as a piercer one day soon. My piercings: 19 in my ears (6 in each lobe (12), three cartilage, a rook, a traigus, and an orbital (which I count as two as it’s two holes)), three in my nose (two on one side, one on the other), my tongue, +’s in my nipples (two barbells in each), a vertical clitoral hood (vch), and six in my inner labia (three in each). My tattoos: a stylized heart on my left breast, a small cancer (zodiac) symbol on my right breast (cancer rules the breasts and stomach), a small aries (zodiac) symbol behind my left ear (aries rules the head and neck), what I like to call “lovers entwined” between my breasts, bettie page by olivia (the photo does not do it justice) “don’t tread on me” (see icon) on my right thigh, elvgren’s pinup witch on my right calf (again, photos do not do it justice), a key with heart-shaped handle on my left wrist, and a heart-shaped padlock which looks like it goes under my skin on my right wrist.

6. Musicals I love musicals. Lately my addiction is Sweeney Todd, but before that has been The Producers, Rent, and tons of others including Marilyn Monroe and Audrey Hepburn musicals, among others.

7. Vintage and Retro I love vintage and retro clothing as well as many of my idols are from earlier eras such as Mae West and Bettie Page. Also, I was into this before it became the “big thing.” I cut my hair in image of Bettie’s freshman year of high school and then cut it short again, but once I started growing it out I have had it like hers since. I used to get asked “who is that?” when I would wear tshirts or have something with her on it, now I get “did you see the movie?” This is mildly annoying.

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