Author: Tai Fenix Kulystin Page 65 of 66

Complimentary

On October 7, 2007

Read in Episode #1 of The Sacred and Shameless Sexcast.

its been so long without you, sometimes i wonder if the taste of you that i remember is real or imaginary. even though i havent had my mouth on your flesh for nearly a month, i can still sometimes taste the flavor of you in my mouth, feel the texture, the heat. the taste which seems so perfect, which was exactly how i imagined you tasting before we ever met, and your smell, exactly as i imagined you would smell. the perfection of complimentary genetics, it seems, everything about you fits into me like we were made for each other. our tastes mix so well together, as i have often known on my tongue.

You press me up against the wall, just inside the door, our kiss born of all the longing, love, and lust building up within us over the weeks we have not been together. i quiver at the nearness of you, feeling the touch of your hand as it slides down my thigh, the other moving to tangle in my hair even as my arms wrap around you, my fingers searching under your shirt to feel your flesh. our lips and teeth and tongues kiss and nibble and play. I gasp then, moan loudly, unrestrained, into your mouth as you find me, wet and hungry, easily accessible to your roaming fingers.

i long for you every moment. i can feel you, no matter where i go, and i ache for that day when we live in the same city, under the same roof. i long for that day which does not seem so far off as it did when we first talked about it, when we first agreed upon it, which was somehow over six months ago. every day it gets a little bit closer to being a reality, and every day i want it just a little bit more than i ever knew i was able to want anything. the same way i want you.

i grind down against your exploring digits as you slide within the folds of me, playing with my jewelry, teasing me as you know i am burning with lust for you, having been unable to attain release for the last seven long days, as you wished. you love having me aching for it when you arrive, and i do. though i know i would still be aching for your touch regardless of how long it had been since the last time i had gotten myself off.

your presence overwhelms me with lust, just the thought of you makes me squirm in my chair in the middle of class, during work, makes me want to touch all the places you make hot with your memory, and i do, once alone, in the comfort of my scarlet satin sheets, or downstairs, in the living room while my roommate is busy upstairs, lost in sweet memory of your fingers, your tongue, your flesh.

i whimper and grind down harder against your fingers, you pull your head back and i cast a pleading look into your eyes before tugging your head back to mine. one of my hands now tangled in your hair, short and barely enough to hold on to. i fiercely attack your lips, and pool all my lust into that kiss, imagining i can pass it to you so that you can feel it, but only for an instant. your fingers finally find my aching clit and you rub at the perfect pace, in the perfect place, and i break the kiss, my eyes still closed, hands moving to grip your shoulders as i shudder against the wall, as you effortlessly bring me to the edge, and suddenly to topple over it.

My Gender Identity

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On October 4, 2007

In Gender Galaxy

I’m a gothic/gothabilly-looking femme drag queen.

Let me explain.

I add gothic/gothabilly-looking into my gender identity, because it dictates how my gender is expressed. If I was punk or lolita or more mainstream my gender would be expressed in a much different way. As it is, I’m beginning to adopt some things which are a little unusual for the gothic/gothabilly image, but I’m not a stickler to it either, and I’m not a stickler to my gender either.

I believe my gender is fluid. When I put a label on it, “femme drag queen,” I use that as at once slightly ambiguous as well as solid. I don’t believe it is really either. I can also identify as “trans” or “queer” as my gender, although I prefer “femme drag queen.”

It has taken me a long time to get to this identity. I was kind of oblivious for a long time, just kind of doing whatever, and rather feminine, but also not, and for many years I would ~~only~~ mostly play male characters in plays. I felt masculine, part of me feels more male than female, though I know and love the fact that I have a cunt, and this is partially where the drag queen identity comes in, though not only. I was rather femmish butch in high school, but mostly butch. I shaved my head, I was rather punkish, I felt rather masculine, though I also wore skirts. I had a friend’s father think I was a boy in a dress instead of a woman with a shaved head at one point, and I think it’s almost more accurate. I was kind of affronted at the time, but now I look back and I smile.

I recognize the fact that all gender is drag. “Woman is to copy as copy is to copy.” There is no “natural” or “innate” or “perfect” gender. All gender is a performance of gender, all gender expression is unnatural, all gender expression is fake, is a copy, is drag. And I love it. This is also partially where my gender identification of “drag queen” comes in.

Femininity as experienced by lesbians vs. bi/pan/omni-sexual females or males vs. straight females or males vs. gay males vs. any other sex (biological bodies) and sexual (who you sleep with) identities is extremely different for each group. The femininity which I can attain as an omnisexual female is not the same as the femninity which an omnisexual male or a gay male could attain. However, the femininity I identify with is that of omnisexual or gay males. The femininity I identify with is that of drag queens, both in subdued and extreme forms. The femininity I feel like I desire is a trans or queer femininity.

I am constantly performing my gender, and I love my gender, but it’s not something easily identified by those outside of myself. This isn’t a bad thing, I think, as on one hand it allows me to get closer to those who view me as typically feminine, and it allows me to shake up the ideas of it, though I don’t do that as often as I’d like, but I also do.

I’ve been told that I had a huge influence in my high school. My radical behavior influenced others to go do what they wanted and look the way they wanted and claim queer identities if they wanted. I’ve been told I’ve had a huge influence on my friends, one of which told me that she started wearing different clothing, clothing that she has always wanted to but never had the guts to, once we became friends and she watched me. She noticed me wearing whatever I wanted, wearing anything that I wanted, not caring about what others thought, and because of that she began to wear the clothing that she had previously been to self-conscious to wear. I know I have influence on people, and that simply by being me I can influence others (and I’m not meaning to sound pompous or pretentious or something, this is seriously what I’ve been told). It took me aback when I was told these things, but I’m glad I was told.

Not many people really get my gender at first mention of it, and a lot of people think that it’s something which is not challenging behaviors or thoughts, but the thing is it doesn’t matter as much to me what I’m challenging in others, though it does matter to an extent, but mostly I just want to be me.

ButchFemme by Team Gina

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On October 3, 2007

In Gender Galaxy

I found this through my sister a while ago, and I just love it so much. We’re reading about butch/femme this week in Gender & Sexual Orientation, which made me want to post this for everyone, ’cause everyone needs to see it.

It’s simply called ButchFemme and by a pair in Seattle with wonderful lines like:
“you don’t see as many of them anymore, not like back in the day, you know, when they had to wear three pieces of women’s clothing not to be arrested…”
“I like butch girls and I cannot lie. You other femmes can’t deny, when a butch walks in all the femmes wanna fuss ‘cause there’s one of them and thirty of us”
“sometimes I miss the butch/femme dynamic”
“I like a girl whose pants hang off her ass. I like a girl with a little bit of body mass. I like a girl who knows she makes me gawk at her star tattoos, sun glasses, and mohawk.”
“Write me letters, bring me flowers, screw me all night for hours and hours.”
A cute little flag to the hanky code (“Hey butch girl i’m kind of having a problem, I see from your hanky that you’re flagging a bottom. It’s not that I want to be a sterotype, a passive femme girl, receptive, polite. But come on, is your bark worse than your bite? are you really gonna make me Top you tonight? i’m not trying to be predictable, but you’re going to have to pin me against this wall.” “Oh, is that what that bandana meant? Oh, no, I must have had that in the wrong pocket or something. No… no, no… I’m a Top, I swear!”)
and so many more.

Team Gina’s myspace page

The Slave Heart

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On October 2, 2007

In Power Play

“A slave is a man or woman who has a special heart — a heart that requires a connection with another person in order to find completeness in their life. A person is born with slave heart — he cannot be “made” into a slave nor can wishing to be one bring it about. It is a natural state. A slave may actualize their destiny by choosing to live in obedience to another person’s will and to serve that person — their Master or Mistress — in obedience. Most slaves are very bright and capable, and they may make many decisions every day affecting other people, large sums of money, important projects, and so on. But slaves generally do not make decisions easily or well that concern themselves, and that is one of the reasons they seek a Master — to form that point of centeredness from which to live their lives.

“Someone may have “heart of slave” and be on a journey toward actualizing their destiny without yet having found the Master their heart tells them to give their life to. And others may feel drawn toward slavery but not yet know their hearts…

“Once a slave truly understands that their existence is more complete and fulfilled in being obedient, everything else falls into place. A slave speaks in order to convey requested information or to request information about the Master’s intentions. A slave eats, sleeps, washes, exercises, takes medication, and so on in order to remain healthy and avaliable for service. Slaves labor at tasks assigned by their Master or hold an outside job so that they can contribute to the Master’s household and not be a financial burden. Anything a slave is allowed to do for personal gratification is a gift from their Master, not a right. When this aspect of slave heart is realized, slaves start to find peace in their lives.”

from from APEX ACADEMY/BUTCHMANNS Protocol for slaves quoted by Robert J Rubel in his book Protocols: Handbook for the female slave

Bisexuality

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On October 1, 2007

In Identity: Queer Intellisexual

The question of bisexuality comes back to the question of sexuality in general, and if queer sexualities are made or innate or a third option. In the study of male arousal the conclusion was that, by genital arousal alone, there is no such thing as bisexuality. This also brings up the question of what constitutes a sexual orientation. Are bisexuals people who are only physically aroused by one body type but who are mentally aroused or desirous or emotionally bonded to other body types, or who are indiscriminatory as to the type of body their lover has. If we can learn to be attracted to different body types for whatever reason, doesn’t that mean that everyone could be bisexual? Is it just mental blocks which keep people from being bisexual?

The issues around the term and existence of bisexuality as outlined in (Con)tested Identities are ones which I have muddled around in my brain for quite some time. I am currently with a male partner, though, over the last ten years or so (ever since I had a conscious thought about sexual orientation) I have identified as anywhere from lesbian to bisexual. At the same time, I wouldn’t ascribe to him strictly a masculine gender. A further question: how does gender play into sexual orientation? Is it all about bodies? What about a bisexual who only likes the masculine gender, regardless of body? Would ze be bisexual but monogendered? Do we really need to dig that far into it anyway?

How does bisexual sexual orientation change dependent on the relationship the person is in at the time? I happen to have a female (sort of) lover as well, does that mean that I am a “real” bisexual while others may not be because they practice monogamy? I noticed how this isn’t exactly addressed, though the ideas of promiscuity and fidelity are. Does it make a difference that my partner is also bisexual? Does it matter?

I too have felt distanced from the queer community when I mention I have a male partner, though I don’t openly admit to my polyamory. I use the term partner freely but have caught myself saying “boyfriend” at work instead and realize my aims at using the term, the ability I have to use heteronormative terms to quell the question that my using partner arises. Is this wrong of me? I am invoking heterosexual privilege because I can. I am acting like the bisexual threat to queerness perhaps.

From (Con)tested Identities: “dissatisfaction with existing labels results in the development and exploration of the utility of alternative labels, for example… “pansexual,” “polyamorous” and “polysexual.” A number of other participants also discuss variously using alternate terms like “hetero-flexible,” “gender freak” and “gender non-specific.” This made me think of a couple things, to be explored. The last town I lived in, alternate terms such as pansexual or multisexual were well known in the queer community, however, when I moved here I’ve been asked what I mean when I say pansexual or multisexual or (my personal favorite and invention) intellisexual (which I generally explain before I even have the chance to be asked—attracted to minds not bodies), I was also told “I’ve only heard one other person use that term.” This may just be because that was Southern Oregon (Ashland) and this is Utah, and I think that plays a large part in it, but even in the queer community it is unknown, and this makes me wonder.

Where and how do these ideas travel? Are they simply word of mouth, are they by academic literature such as we are reading? Are they through taking queer oriented classes and questioning? How does the queer community thrive? How are do discursive identities spread?

Also the quote: “And, the irony is that in a second I would bring my girlfriend to, you know, straight events and it’s like, you know, this is, this is my girlfriend, deal with it. Like I’m so ready to do that. But so not ready to like bring a man to a gay function and say this is my boyfriend, deal with it. (PI6)” From what I’ve revealed I would assume it’s obvious where this hits home for me. For the first time in my life, really, I am in a solid relationship with a male which is the longest of my life, and I am also feeling uncomfortable in queer situations. For the first year after I moved here I was rather avoidant of getting into queer situations (bad term), and still rather am. I was the president of the student union at my previous university and the founder of the GSA at my high school, and yet now I’m worried to attend queer events?

Is this simply something in me now? I think part of it is. I feel ashamed that I’m with a male, yet claim intellisexuality or multisexuality or queerness in general. My lesbian butch dyke sister calls herself queer, can I claim the same identity, or is that blasphemous? I really do feel that I am in the middle, unsure of what I can and cannot claim, though knowing that I don’t want to claim heterosexuality, though I jokingly will say that I’m “half heterosexual.”

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On September 19, 2007

In Identity: Queer Intellisexual

This was brought up in my Gender and Sexual Orientation class today, I’ve heard of the grid before but not looked for it. I found a nifty little test. It’s much better than the kinsey scale, more inclusive of different aspects of sexuality and sexual orientation.

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid
I scored an average of 3.76

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Homosexual

MeaningThis result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:

0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more
than incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally
heterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual

Summary
The idea of this exercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person’s sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person’s lifespan. While a person’s number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like “homosexual”, “heterosexual”, and “bisexual” need not be the only three options available to us.

Take the quiz

The weather today is squirmy with a 75% chance of constant distraction

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On September 11, 2007

In a Love: Onyx

Two nights ago and last night our roommates were around, we didn’t have as much strict M/s activity, though there was a little. I was subtly presenting things to him which I got for him, though without kneeling as our roommate was around, and I was trying to upkeep his drink, and do what he said immediately, without hesitancy, and all that other small stuff. It’s the small stuff that makes it right. He had me make sure dinner was ready when he got home last night, as well, and little things like that.

We talked, two nights ago after I wrote my last entry, about the naturalness of our positions now that we’ve broken through the walls. Both of us are feeling very natural in it. It’s wonderful. We talked about a few things we want to incorporate, such as specific verbal commands for general things and verbal commands for positions and things like that. I mentioned me not being able to touch myself without permission, and orgasm control, having to ask in order to be able to cum.

We had sex both nights, once we went down to bed and our roommates went up. I won’t go into details, but it was good, it was better in a way, and our M/s was incorporated into it and I felt very much His. He fucked my ass and it hurt, most of the times it won’t, and usually I love it, but every once in a while it does and it did last night. He usually stops when that happens, but he didn’t, he kept going, made me take it for him, reminded me I’m his, and I did, I complained, but I loved it. I’m a little sore today, now, and it’s a reminder and I love it.

Apparently he took my mention of orgasm control a little more than I wanted him to, he didn’t let me cum two nights ago or last night, which was extremely horrid as I get soooo needy after he does what he did. We talked about it last night and he said that might be the way it is for a while, and reminded me that I was the one who brought up orgasm control, and I said that THIS wasn’t my intention, heh. Oh well. He was all stern and I melted like butter and I love him a little more for doing this, even though I hate it at the same time. I said that he just wants me out of my mind horny, and he said that it’s a nice perk.

I was whimpering, wanting to cum, and he told me to stop whimpering. He threatened that the night before as well, and mentioned me sleeping at the foot of the bed, mentioned last night me sleeping on the floor if I kept it up. He knows what would get me, I think that might everyone, but I would hate to not sleep next to him. He would too, I know, so it would be taking something away from him as well as from me.

The hardest part of this is that knowing that he is controlling me makes me hot, I love it, it turns me on, but what he is controlling is my release of that buildup, so it ends up a repeating cycle, and kind of evil, but also wonderful. I have a love/hate relationship with it, to be sure.

So, yeah, glen, now we’re in the same boat, apparently, lol. That’s what Kat said when I mentioned it too.

Let’s see how long this lasts… hopefully not too long…

On the Right Path

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On September 10, 2007

In a Love: Onyx

Master and I began doing more M/s stuff last night. He did, rather, and it was rather sudden, I was not expecting it. He told me to go make him a drink, but he always does that, but I took too long for him, and he tugged me out of bed by my legs and pulled at my hair and told me that I needed to do it when he told me to and not put it off.

When I came back with it he told me to kneel and present it to him like a slave. It wasn’t a big thing, really, but it took a lot for me to do it, and I don’t know why. I think I just wasn’t used to it or expecting it, I was surprised and taken aback and not ready for the change. I mean, we had been talking about it, and he was reading around bestslavetraining.com and we had been talking about the slave training book I got as well, but I wasn’t expecting him to do it right at that moment. I was just shocked, but that was just the start.

After that we went upstairs, I was partially upset and just grouchy in general because I wasn’t anticipating what was going on. I made him another drink and he told me that I am to present everything I make for him to him like a slave. I kind of freaked. It was mostly just not anticipating, and it was partially just surprise, and going too fast, or faster than I was expecting. It was odd, and I didn’t think I would have such a reaction, and I don’t know why I did. I just got awkward and quiet and ended up crying a little. Part of it, I think, is that I was feeling like we had just started something new but somehow I was fucking up already, I wasn’t doing it right, I wasn’t pleasing him, I was just messing up. I was a wreck for a while there.

He helped me through it, though, somewhat at least, and I helped myself through it. He eventually snapped me out of it by telling me that I would do as instructed to show that I wanted to be his slave. He had asked me if I wanted to be a slave, and then if I had wanted to be his slave, and I answered yes to both. He told me to present it to him to show him that I wanted it, and so I did, with a bit of tears in my eyes I did. I don’t know why it hit me so hard, but it did.

After that, though, it was like it was the most natural thing in the world, to do what he told me, to kneel and present him with new drinks, with food, to bend to his will, and to do for him. He made me feel precious, cherished, and also like his slave. Truly. And I loved every second. I loved him even more last night than ever before, if that’s possible. He made me feel just what I’ve wanted to, and I knew at the same time he was opening up, in a sense, he was letting me in, he was letting me put him first, and he was accepting that role. It felt perfect.

We spent the night like that, and then came downstairs and had sex, the normal kind of sex we have, which generally involves some verbal yummyness and him Doming me, but this time it was slightly different. I was more open to him, in a way, I just kept looking at his face, in all the pleasure, and realizing more and more my love for him. I was enamored with him, infatuated in that moment, more than I have been possibly ever. I was amazed, in wonder, in shock still a little, and extremely happy.

Today, we’ve been keeping the same dynamic, but we haven’t really done much, but that was okay. The underlying is there, but we didn’t do much that required the set things like that to be incorporated. I’d like to do more kneeling for him, sitting at his feet, resting my head on his thigh sort of thing, but more will come as we change and grow.

I already know we’re on the right path.

The weather today is content, with a 90% chance of bliss

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On September 8, 2007

In a Love: Onyx

Master and I had a wonderful talk last night. I felt like I was pushing my desires on him, that he doesn’t want M/s but a D/s relationship, that it’s not at all what he wants and I’ve just felt so lost. Part of it is he hasn’t ever really told me what HE wants, and it’s made me feel so lost. Part of it is he hasn’t known what he wants, and part of it, well… this is something we got into last night. He has never known anyone to put him first, and he hasn’t been letting me do that. Granted, I haven’t really been trying to, I’ve been wrapped up in my own need to be able to put him first, it’s an odd cycle, there, but it somehow makes sense.

He doesn’t know how to let me take care of him, because he’s never known anyone who wanted to, truly wanted to, and I guess I haven’t expressed that enough to him. He’s never had anyone who wanted to put him first, who wanted to do for him, who loved him for him and didn’t want to use him for some reason. We got emotional, we both broke down a little. I said we’ve been working on my walls for so long, it’s about time we worked on his, lol. And it’s true, he just has a better defense system than I do, I think.

So, we’re working on it. It was a huge breakthrough last night, and a small step on breaking down his walls, but mine aren’t completely gone either. We’re going to talk more, going to work on it, not put it off, not ignore the problem until it eats away at our insides.

He’s going to figure out what he wants from me as a slave, the next step is to figure out what the one after that is, how to get into this, how we can work on it.

I sent him a text message yesterday morning, which has been mulling around in my brain today as well, and ever since, we had talked about the Master’s responsibility to the slave two nights ago: “I figured it out. You need to let me be responsible for you by letting/making me submit and do for you and make your pleasures my own, while at the same time taking responsibility for me. It is about mutual responsibility, not just you getting more.” I think it was what led to this discovery we had last night in some senses.

He’s been pulling away, we’ve been getting in these ruts, and I’ve been pulling away, we’ve been working on it, but just… not completely, I don’t know. But we’re slowly working on changing, and that’s what really matters. We’re going to get to where we want to be, I know it. He’s going to let me put him first, and dote on him, and fulfill his every need, because that’s what we both really want.

Part of the revelation last night was that he was afraid that all I wanted from him was a Master, that I was just using him for that, as everyone has ever used him, that I wasn’t really wanting HIM. So part of our non-M/s oriented lifestyle since I moved here has been him testing that, seeing if I would leave if he didn’t act like my Master. It wasn’t conscious, but it happened. And I do want a Master, I crave it, and I’ve realized that.

I’ve been wondering for a while if it was something I do crave or something I want to crave, but it really is. It’s something I don’t want to live without, and that was something that came up last night too. But, I want a Master, but I also want him. I was going to suggest that maybe I get an online Master, or maybe if Kat and I further our relationship to the D/s level, maybe she would be enough, she could sate that need, and it’s possible. As it is, though, I want to fix Master and me before I go into that relationship with Kat. I want her, and I love her, and I want to be more with her, and more and more I’m realizing I want her to be my Domme. I think it would be wonderful, for both of us.

But already it feels as though a great weight has been lifted, that we can go further now, that we are on the right path, and we are. It’s taken us a year to get here, but we’re finally nearly here. I’ve stuck with him when he was ignoring me, I stuck with him through all his tests, I want him, I want him so badly, and even after two years I still love being with him, around him, near him, touching him, and so on and so on. It’s not just about M/s to me, but the M/s is also important. We are partners, and I love him, first and foremost, but I also crave to be a slave, and to be his slave.

Changes

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On September 7, 2007

In a Love: Onyx

I’ve been having a really good conversation with glen and Kat today, and yesterday with Kat. There is a lot of things going on at the moment.

I placed an amazon order yesterday, should get it tomorrow. I bought The Better Built Bondage Book because I want to start making my own bondage gear, and perhaps even sell it, but that will come later. I also bought Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus A dual book with a slave training manual and a training workbook. This should be helpful to Master and me in our work on training, the same with Protocols: Handbook for the female slave, which is described in the comments as “I found this book interesting because often, particularly in newMaster/slave relations, the slave is unsure what to do to serve theMaster and the Master is unsure how he wants to be served. This bookseems designed to help in those situations.” Which I think will also be helpful to us.

My half of a conversation with glen today:

“Kat and I were talking about my issues with Master yesterday and she suggested she be my online Domme, and part of me wants that but part of me is scared of it, and I wonder if I even can be submissive anymore. Master and I… we go in stints, sort of, we aren’t constant, and we’re hardly M/s, more D/s than anything, and I’m working on that, but we both are having trouble with it, and I’m basically hung up on it. I think part of me wants to fix things with him before getting into anything with her. He’s a Dom, and I’m a slave, and we’re trying to work with that. A lot of it is, he was a Master with his ex-wife, I think, but she was broken, she had been abused, she wasn’t so much a slave as it was convenient for her to be. And so he became completely and totally dependant on him, financially, emotionally, the whole gambit. And he’s scared of that happening. Part of him knows it won’t with me. But it’s not a rational fear.

“There’s a level of dependancy that is healthy, though, and a level that is not, and he wants it at the same time as he pulls away from it, so we’re working on it, slowly. It’s difficult, too, because we have these desires and aims, but we’re both very busy people and we have two roommates, so we can’t really do much when they’re around, even in our own room because sound travels… hopefully they should be moving out soon, but, even so.

“We came to the revelation last weekend that what we want (what I want?) is to be able to switch in and out of our roles when needed, which is, I think, how 24/7 relationships should be, being able to go between one and the other so that we have some times when we act like “regular” couples. And the best thing to do with that is to go to the other extreme ’cause we do the acting like “regular” couples thing easily, lol.

“The first few months I was horrid, I was pushing the boundaries, trying to find out how much I could get away with. He wouldn’t stop me. Practically no matter what. It was frustrating and I just got more and more upset and uppity, and he didn’t know what to do or how to handle me. I would get to the point where all I could do is break down, and most of the time I wouldn’t be able to identify the problem right away. I’m very good at blocking out issues and letting them eat at me inside.

“The thing is, I am happy, being with Onyx… it’s the best thing I’ve experienced, I’m sure you can relate. It’s just… not enough, I guess? Not fulfilling enough. I need to feel submissive to him and I want to, but it never quite gets to the point I want it to be. It’ll get there, though, we’ve got time. =)”