Author: Tai Fenix Kulystin Page 60 of 66

Hitachi Magic Wand

On March 25, 2008

I’m even surprised that I don’t own one yet. I mean… I’ve wanted one for a while, but never got around to buying one, I always put other toys before it, such as glass ones and the remote controlled (cordless) butterfly and many many more… However! Tonight Master bought me the hitachi magic wand!

I feel like I am behind on the times in getting this “the Cadillac of Vibrators.” I remember Laura getting it years ago, during the obsession with Sex and the City, and I wanted one then! I just never got around to buying it… Babeland currently has it for 20% off, which ain’t bad, and so I mentioned it to Master and told him that I didn’t want to wait until June to get it, and he bought it for me not 10 minutes later! He told me that he may have to tie me up when we first use it (yes, please!) and that I haven’t begged “please, Master, don’t let me cum anymore” to him nearly recently enough (yes, please!).

One of these days I’m going to do an inventory of all the toys I have, I think, and then decide what more I need, hehe. I used to have a rabbit, too, a cheaper version of the rabbit which did not have the pearls and spinny shaft, just the rabbit ears and an insertable vibration, and it was good. Damn good. I think I may need to get a rabbit pearl sometime soon as well (which I like over the rabbit habit because of the corded controls, hehe).

We haven’t done nearly enough with toys lately, or props in general.

Ask Me Anything

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 25, 2008

In Site Specific

ask me anything!

So, please, ask away, ask anything, ask me sexy things, ask me naughty things, ask me inane things, ask me smart things, ask me anything at all! Any question about me that you’d really like the answer too, or just a silly fun question which you are interested in. Any question at all. You can also ask more than one if you want, as many as you’d like.

"I now know that there can be such a thing as a rose without a thorn"

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 25, 2008

In Power Play

I’m tempted to undergo a book called Eros in Leather as a (M/f) counterpart to Venus in Furs. What do you think?

From what I’ve read of VIF’s contemporary counterpart Senso it does not seem worthy of being the counterpart, and therefore I may have to make one. Or someone will.

Speaking of reading: I really really really need to buy and read The Leather Daddy and the Femme by Carol Queen. I also need to meet Carol Queen and get every book she’s written.

I have Real Live Nude Girl already, and that’s what made me fall in love with her. She’s my idol, seriously. She’s bisexual, she’s femme, she’s submissive (a switch?), she’s sex-positive, she’s a sex educator, she went to The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality (which is where I am planning on going for grad school), she’s a writer, she’s an activist, she’s basically everything I want to be, and will be someday (only slightly different).

Basically she rocks my world.

Faux Queen

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 24, 2008

In Gender Galaxy

I never knew there was a term for me already (somewhat) embraced and widespread in the community! This is why I NEED to be in San Fran and not fucking Salt Lake City. This and so many other reasons…

I love it, though I still prefer my femme drag queen gender to faux queen, it seems so… fake? I mean, if you think about it, in some ways bio-females hyperenacting femininity similar to drag queen femininity is just as if not more disrupting to the idea of gender as natural than male drag queens. At least, I think so. The trouble is getting to a place where you’re performing that hyper-femininity, and most of the time that is not easy unless you go completely over the top, which can be difficult.

Of course, I was thinking earlier how it would be wonderful to dress as a boy. I do embrace genderqueer as well, among other labels. While I’m a pomo girl I also think that labels have their usefulness, especially in a society which automatically labels, and so I choose to label myself.

D/s and Gender Musings

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 23, 2008

In Gender Galaxy, Identity: Submissive, Power Play

I’m currently reading Venus In Furs for my Queer Theory class. It’s the first time I’ve read it and it really remarks to me the differences between F/m and M/f (and F/f and M/m) more than I could go into, of course, but here are some tidbits which made me think and realize a few things about my own self.

I know that Venus in Furs is not exactly what every F/m couple is, of course, but it does provide interesting insight. I tried to put myself in the position of Severin/Gregor with Master or any man for that matter, and I was unable to imagine it exactly the same, though it could be similar, and I’m sure other people engage in it, but I couldn’t see myself being a servant in the same way. A servant, surely, but there are things such as walking 10 paces behind him while shopping, carrying all his things, or things such as that which I wouldn’t feel comfortable or desire doing. However, things like taking his coat and opening the door for him and such I would be willing to do, waiting on him, things like that, but only certain things are ones I wouldn’t want to do.

For a Mistress, on the other hand, I think I would delight in doing some of the things I don’t see me doing with a Master. Although, I could were I in drag. I could see myself as the boi servant of some high femme woman. That could be hot. I would probably end up being a femme-ish boi, but a boi nonetheless. Curious. I could see myself doing those things as a boi for a Master as well, but not as the femme that I am.

What accounts for this difference? It’s quite obviously gender and gender roles. It’s due to the hyperfemininity which would be expressed by the performing of such actions, which I would find difficulty with should my Master do something like that. This is making me think. I wonder if I shouldn’t have spoken so hastily and discarded activities for all men. I didn’t really see myself to a feminine female except for now I do, and I blame the book. Perhaps it would be different if I were reading a book about a feminine male and his (boi?) woman.

Thinking about it I do enjoy the idea of a feminine male and his boi, and that makes me think of Tipping the Velvet, I seem to recall one such couple, as well as the main couple being one I described above, ultrafeminine woman and boi. I couldn’t see my Master as a feminine male, as he is very much not one, though he does have feminine sides, but not an ultrafeminine male.

Anyway, there were some of my musings. More later, I think. I have work to do.

Fucking, Finally

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 22, 2008

In a Love: Onyx, Smut

He started new hours at his job this week, so there was very little fucking, as he would come home at 10pm and we would watch a couple episodes of Dexter and then crash (I was getting up at 6:30 and crazy hours like that, so we were both very tired). I’ve been aching for some fucking all week. I got Friday off to be with him (his new job gives him a three-day weekend, lucky bastard), and although that was kind of sucked up by a side project we ended up going to dinner and then to the liquor store and home.

We watched more Dexter (second season) and had some delicious drinks. At one point we started kissing, which led to fondling and grinding, which lead to him fucking me, first on the couch, then with me kneeling on the couch, then with me leaning over the arm of the couch (far superior). It was good. I wanted him to pull my hair, though, and he never did. It’s been getting longer and longer and he keeps neglecting it. *pout*

After that we… you got it… watched more Dexter, until about 4 in the morning at which time we headed downstairs, at my reluctance. I decided the only reason why I would be going downstairs when I wanted to watch more Dexter is so that he could fuck me. I told him this, and he said he assumed that might happen. He knows me too well.

He slid his fingers in me and began finger fucking me softly, then harder, moving his fingers to my clit, which usually gets me off quickly. I hadn’t cum upstairs, but he came twice, once in me and then once on my face and in my mouth. He rubbed my clit until I came and then moved above me and slid inside. He pounded my cunt nice and deep that way for a while, while doing various delicious things like putting his hands around my neck and taking my wrists in his hands and pinning me against the bed. He came like that, inside of me while pinning me down.

We rested for a few moments before starting to buck and grind against each other again. If we do this soon enough after he’s cum he can usually cum again, which is what happened upstairs as well. We fucked a little more, and I turned over so he was fucking me from behind, like a whore, and so he said. I always love being fucked from behind. He came again, the fourth time that night, and had to lie down he said the room was spinning. I’m just that good. ;P

We drifted to sleep, and before we did I asked him if he would wake me up with an assfucking in the morning. He told me he could do that.

I woke up first, and after going to the bathroom I lay back down and started stroking him. Once I got him hard he slid into me while we were both on our sides, fucked me like that a bit, then we shifted so he was fucking me like a whore again (by which I mean doggy-style of course). While doing that he started lubing my backdoor with his spit, sliding his finger in it, getting it nice and ready for his cock. Once it was sufficiently wet he slid me to the edge of the bed so he could stand while fucking my ass and slid inside. It went in easily the second time, after a little more spit and fingering was applied, and he began fucking my ass nice and hard and fast. I was in anal heaven.

We groaned and moaned dirty nothings to each other, calling me names and wonderful things like that. I can always tell when he’s about to cum, he makes slightly different noises, his thrusts get a little more frantic, and I always beg him to cum in me when he gets close, and usually he does nearly right after. I love the feeling of him just thrusting deep within me and being able to feel his cock twitching and spurting inside of me (yes, I’m on birth control, the ring, 99.9% effective and we’ve done all the other necessary precautions).

I continued to rub my clit after he came inside me and ended up cumming not too long after he had, with his cock still buried in my ass, I’m such a little ass whore. I love it. We collapsed on the bed, my finger still on my trigger, and we kissed and whispered “I love you” as I continued to rub. I came twice more (asking permission every time I had, of course), before stopping.

Multiple Partners Survey

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 22, 2008

In Polyamory

Just filled out a Multiple Partners Survey for a research study on polyamory, here’s the info on it:

I’m doing a research project on the impact of poly culture on people who engage in multiple partner relationships. The survey is open to people who call themselves polyamorous as well as those who approach multiple partner relating in independent ways.

Here’s the link to the survey. Please take it and pass it on. Thanks.
Link: click here to take it

Thanks
Dr. Leanna Wolfe

I’m passing it on, it’s both well thought out and poly-friendly (as one would assume), and it didn’t take very long to complete at all. I figure some of you may be interested in taking it. I got it from a post in the Utah Polyamory Society group.

It Has Arrived

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 20, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

In other, better, news, I got my new collar today. The one I posted about back here. It is gorgeous! It’s smaller than I was expecting, kind of delicate while also being bondage-y, so it’s kind of fucking rad. The V- and O-ring combo, too, is smaller than on any of my other collars (not only the ones given to me by Master, but also the ones I bought for myself to wear as a goth chick). It’s so pretty. I’ll take pictures once I take a shower. I must not have gotten all the conditioner out of my hair when I showered, because my bangs look weird now. That’s beside the point.

Technically the collar got here yesterday, but I didn’t check the mail once I got home, and he didn’t check the mail when he got home, and the mail had not come when i got home, so we missed it until this morning. I got it after missing the bus. I told him he had a package, and he opened it and we realized it wasn’t for him, but for me! He wouldn’t let me have it until he got home from work, though. So I went to work disgruntled, but also pleased that he would set that restriction.

When I got home I took it from the box and plastic packaging and took it downstairs. I tried it on briefly, to make sure it fit and that I didn’t have to make another hole for it, and it fits perfectly on the last slot. It even has about 3″ of extra leather, which is rare, so if I do discover I need it out a little more I can easily do so. I have my awl and everything, though a leather puncher would be better, and I’ll have that soon too!

When he got home he noticed that it was not upstairs where he left it, and reminded me I wasn’t to have it until he got home. I had it behind me on the bed when I was kneeling to greet him (as I do when he comes home), so that we could have it accessible. I told him what I had done and he teasingly told me that I’d have to wait a week until I could have it, but soon recanted that and put it on me. It’s gorgeous.

Oh, hell, I’ll post the picture one more time, because I love it.

More and More

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 20, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

I’ve been feeling really off lately, and through talking with Kat I’ve realized some of why. I also just started bleeding today, so that probably has something to do with it. She asked me if I was questioning my submission again, and I haven’t been. I’ve gotten pretty firm in that, and I’ve been playing around a bit online with people because I’m craving the submission and I’m not getting it here.

Instead of questioning my submission I’ve kind of moved on to questioning our connection. Not our relationship connection, but our BDSM one. I’m not sure if I’m just making too much out of this, maybe. But whenever I bring stuff like this up we always talk about it, and we confess things, but then we get to a point of “we’ll try harder” and “it’ll be better once we live alone.” I mean, sometimes we implement things, like him giving me the list of protocols or the list of household duties, or me making up the position commands, but how much do we actually do of all that, very very little. We’ve been alone all this week, and we haven’t even had sex. I’m wanting him to make the move, I’m sick of being the only one who initiates. But, we’ve been tired and this has been his first week with his 12 hour shifts, so I know that’s part of it…

We’ll see what happens tonight and tomorrow, and maybe things will change, and this past week will just have been because of both of us being tired and him working a lot, and we’ll get to a place where we are comfortable, but I somehow doubt it. This is definitely not all his fault, of course. I mean, there are many times when I overreact to him sometimes, and I get pouty and strange, but sometimes I just want him to fucking dominate me, just overpower me with his will, instead of me putting his will first I want him to make me put his will first. I try on my own, but… it doesn’t always happen. Sometimes I need him to show me the way.

This is true for him too, though, and I know it. I want us to get to the point where we reach our potential. I think we could be awesome, and it could work perfectly. But perhaps what we want is too different. But, also, I’m not sure if he knows what he wants. I’m not sure if I know what I want all the time, either. I mean… I think he wants me to just be submissive to him, but I want him to dominate me sometimes, if that makes sense, make it mandatory, instead of something I just do.

The thing is, too, he won’t chastise me when I do things wrong. Or, when he does, he gets all cold and distant, and I hate that. He says he’s not cold and distant, that he’s just being expectant or something depending on what it is that’s going on, but there’s this look… like he doesn’t know how to dominate without shutting part of himself off. Maybe I’m just interpreting it wrong, I don’t know, but that’s how I feel.

I’m worried that I’m trying to make a Master out of a Top. Something I’ve been worried about for a long while, and maybe that’s what it comes down to. This is not his idea of what he wants, and I’m trying to force it on him. I say that, but he tells me that I’m not forcing it, that it’s what he wants too, but I don’t see it. I’m sure he doesn’t see it from me that much either, though. I’m not trying to make this all about him, but sometimes that’s all I can find to talk about, not that I don’t have fault in this as well, just that, well, it’s easier to talk about my issues with him than my issues. My trouble is that I’ll want something, but not want to say it right out, and then he’ll do it days later and I’ll be so ticked off that he hasn’t done it that I won’t respond right.

Maybe this is all just too fucked up. Kat says that if he really wanted to, he could learn how to be a Master. And, I do think that he wants to, he just… doesn’t want to put the effort in? Or, doesn’t have time to put the effort in? I don’t really want to, either, so I don’t fault him for that too much, except I have been putting effort in, I have been trying to encourage change that doesn’t seem to stick. That’s part of the problem, too, part of me just wants to give up.

He’s so oblivious sometimes I just want to smack him upside the head. Kat also said that I should go overboard with the subbyness in order to get him to feel more Domly. I think this would work, and I think it would work well, and he’s said that would help too, and… I don’t know, I feel like whenever I’ve tried he’s just brushed it off as if it wasn’t a big thing, but I want recognition when I do good things, just as when I do bad ones, and I don’t get either unless he’s looking for it. I feel like even if I were to do that, it wouldn’t matter, so I haven’t really tried. So, maybe that’s what I have to do. It’s difficult for me to submit without provocation. It’s hard for me to submit without being Dominated, but perhaps I just need to push past that and my pushing past my block will also help him push past his block.

But… if this doesn’t work, I think I would be devastated.

Needy Cuntpet

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On March 19, 2008

In a Love: Onyx

I still feel really guilty about what I did last Saturday night. I’m trying to make it up to him, but I don’t know if that’s really coming through. I don’t think I’m doing anything extra special, just trying to be good and compliant and helpful. I did, however, clean up our room tonight, vaccumed and everything, it looks very nice, if I do say so myself. Now I just need to do the bathroom, kitchen, and living room, leaving the upstairs to our roommates (soon to be neighbors). I’m feeling kinda bleh lately, and I haven’t started on any of my papers, though I have been thinking about them. Two are due right after break, the other is due a couple weeks after, but I need to interview Katrisa for that one, so I’m not focusing on it.

I need a good beating and fucking. I really do. I need something to snap me out of the headspace I’ve been in lately. I need to get down in that subspace and float around for a while. I need Master to drag me down into that degraded place and let me wallow there. I need him to control my breathing, make me choke and gag on his cock, to beat me and fuck me and all otherways get me to that delicious subspace. It’s been too long since we did something specifically like that. I want him to put me in high protocol, make me delve down into that dependancy and degradation and do anything and everything to me.

Though, I know this won’t happen tonight, we’re both tired, I’m way sore from the gym yesterday, and we have the (first) season finale of Dexter to watch.