I’ve been feeling really off lately, and through talking with Kat I’ve realized some of why. I also just started bleeding today, so that probably has something to do with it. She asked me if I was questioning my submission again, and I haven’t been. I’ve gotten pretty firm in that, and I’ve been playing around a bit online with people because I’m craving the submission and I’m not getting it here.
Instead of questioning my submission I’ve kind of moved on to questioning our connection. Not our relationship connection, but our BDSM one. I’m not sure if I’m just making too much out of this, maybe. But whenever I bring stuff like this up we always talk about it, and we confess things, but then we get to a point of “we’ll try harder” and “it’ll be better once we live alone.” I mean, sometimes we implement things, like him giving me the list of protocols or the list of household duties, or me making up the position commands, but how much do we actually do of all that, very very little. We’ve been alone all this week, and we haven’t even had sex. I’m wanting him to make the move, I’m sick of being the only one who initiates. But, we’ve been tired and this has been his first week with his 12 hour shifts, so I know that’s part of it…
We’ll see what happens tonight and tomorrow, and maybe things will change, and this past week will just have been because of both of us being tired and him working a lot, and we’ll get to a place where we are comfortable, but I somehow doubt it. This is definitely not all his fault, of course. I mean, there are many times when I overreact to him sometimes, and I get pouty and strange, but sometimes I just want him to fucking dominate me, just overpower me with his will, instead of me putting his will first I want him to make me put his will first. I try on my own, but… it doesn’t always happen. Sometimes I need him to show me the way.
This is true for him too, though, and I know it. I want us to get to the point where we reach our potential. I think we could be awesome, and it could work perfectly. But perhaps what we want is too different. But, also, I’m not sure if he knows what he wants. I’m not sure if I know what I want all the time, either. I mean… I think he wants me to just be submissive to him, but I want him to dominate me sometimes, if that makes sense, make it mandatory, instead of something I just do.
The thing is, too, he won’t chastise me when I do things wrong. Or, when he does, he gets all cold and distant, and I hate that. He says he’s not cold and distant, that he’s just being expectant or something depending on what it is that’s going on, but there’s this look… like he doesn’t know how to dominate without shutting part of himself off. Maybe I’m just interpreting it wrong, I don’t know, but that’s how I feel.
I’m worried that I’m trying to make a Master out of a Top. Something I’ve been worried about for a long while, and maybe that’s what it comes down to. This is not his idea of what he wants, and I’m trying to force it on him. I say that, but he tells me that I’m not forcing it, that it’s what he wants too, but I don’t see it. I’m sure he doesn’t see it from me that much either, though. I’m not trying to make this all about him, but sometimes that’s all I can find to talk about, not that I don’t have fault in this as well, just that, well, it’s easier to talk about my issues with him than my issues. My trouble is that I’ll want something, but not want to say it right out, and then he’ll do it days later and I’ll be so ticked off that he hasn’t done it that I won’t respond right.
Maybe this is all just too fucked up. Kat says that if he really wanted to, he could learn how to be a Master. And, I do think that he wants to, he just… doesn’t want to put the effort in? Or, doesn’t have time to put the effort in? I don’t really want to, either, so I don’t fault him for that too much, except I have been putting effort in, I have been trying to encourage change that doesn’t seem to stick. That’s part of the problem, too, part of me just wants to give up.
He’s so oblivious sometimes I just want to smack him upside the head. Kat also said that I should go overboard with the subbyness in order to get him to feel more Domly. I think this would work, and I think it would work well, and he’s said that would help too, and… I don’t know, I feel like whenever I’ve tried he’s just brushed it off as if it wasn’t a big thing, but I want recognition when I do good things, just as when I do bad ones, and I don’t get either unless he’s looking for it. I feel like even if I were to do that, it wouldn’t matter, so I haven’t really tried. So, maybe that’s what I have to do. It’s difficult for me to submit without provocation. It’s hard for me to submit without being Dominated, but perhaps I just need to push past that and my pushing past my block will also help him push past his block.
But… if this doesn’t work, I think I would be devastated.