Okay, not only do I love xeromag for their polyamory faq, but they also have a kick-ass bdsm faq (faq = frequently asked questions). I was going to quote some, but I ended up wanting to quote everything! I just think it’s pretty awesome, plus it’s written in a fun and informative way.
There is also an example of BDSM scenarios which range from ice and dirty talk to knives, play rape/consensual non-consent, and lots of suggestions for roleplay scenes and the like.
A fast-write to help me with my paper, and to entertain you all, of course.
How is it empowering to be a female submissive in a heterosexual relationship? That’s the question, really, and sometimes I’m not sure how to answer it. Although I feel empowered within my relationship, in many ways, it’s also a question of power and choice. If I was ordered about and such in a relationship where I had no choice, no power, and was still ordered and bossed around it would be far from empowering. Or, in a relationship where I was spanked, slapped, and had my hair pulled on a regular basis and I didn’t enjoy it or didn’t want it or didn’t request it, I would be far from empowered.
I’ve heard the argument said that since patriarchy imposes these ideas of submission onto us, as female subs we are essentially just buying into that patriarchy, into that system which subordinates us, into that perpetuation of gender stereotypes and roles.
Now, I’m not one who believes in gender supremacy. I don’t think that just because my Master is male he therefore has some right to be dominant or some right to be above me. That’s just not true. It’s due to my desire to serve and his desire to be served that we come to these roles, and not anything else. Now, speaking as a feminist as well, I can see the previous argument. I can see it as a valid argument, I just damn well don’t agree with it. I believe in individuality, which could also be said to be a product of the culture we live in. However, I extend individuality to much more than male/female roles.
I use the terms M/f and F/m and so on because there are these ideas such as gender supremacy and patriarchal brainwashing which often accompany bdsm (and wrongly so in most cases). I think there are some trends that many M/f couples follow and many F/m couples follow, and there are differences, but those are largely regarding individual differences and choices. While there may be similarities, I don’t think that those are wholly based on gender. However, I do think the terms M/f and F/m and M/m and F/f are all useful, just as I think labels in general are useful. That is: as long as we don’t stick to rigidly to them. I use these terms because of the patriarchal and social connections to them, but not meaning to generalize to those groups.
That said, I don’t really identify as a femsub. I identify as cuntpet and submissive, but female isn’t really something I cling to, though femme is, but I still don’t identify as femsub, mostly for the reason I’ve already mentioned. The majority of the time, there is some sort of lumping or categorization of all fem subs as this and all male subs as that, and etc. And I just don’t buy it.
Now, back to the original point: empowerment. How is BDSM empowering? How can I say that through giving up power to another person I am empowered? Well, BDSM is all about power, it’s all about playing with power and what it means to have power. Through playing with power we are able to recognize that there is no innate or natural power which one person has. All power is constructed, all power is socially given, and none of it is inherent to the person.
Now, through play with power and the recognition of this I am able to realize that, also, there is great power in the giving up of power. Even though vulnerability is so devalued in this society, that does not mean that there is not power in it. I also get to practice passive aims, which I do not see as a bad thing. Passive aims can be described as “being active through being passive,” and can be considered manipulative, though I don’t believe that they always are. Through giving over power I am putting myself into the passive role, into the subordinate role, but in doing that I am achieving my aim, my desire, and getting just what I want out of it. If I wasn’t getting what I wanted out of it, I wouldn’t be doing it.
That brings me to another point. All power play, even that which is commonly referred to as Master/slave, where, basically, the slave has no power, no rights, and has little ways to get out of the situation short of leaving it all together, there is still the ability to leave. Even in Venus in Furs we are able to see that Severin is able to leave, and he does so when it goes too far, though he realizes that he is a man of his word. Granted, there is a lot of psychological turmoil which may occur due to leaving a situation which you have agreed upon and pledged your life to, but there is always the choice, even if we can’t make it.
Because the sub always has the choice of leaving, or safewording, or calling limits, the question comes to: who really runs the show? Is it the Dom/me, even though the sub has continuous veto power? Is that like saying that the President has no hand in passing bills, even though s/he has the power to veto them? I don’t think anyone would make that claim. It’s the same here. However, that’s not to say that the sub has all the power, but it is a power exchange, not just power giving and taking. There is power given up on both sides, otherwise the Dominants of today would look much more like the sadists of DeSade.
Which brings me to my next point: masochism and sadism ala Deleuze. While I agree with Deleuze’s points, that sadism and masochism as literary forms, taken right from the works of Sade and Masoch, are not complementary. Sade’s sadists Sade-ists, if you will, are remarkably different from the contemporary use of the term sadist. Sade-ists do not desire consent, and, even, desire no consent. Their play is completely one-sided. Contemporary sadists, however, are generally part of this greater term BDSM, and submit to either RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) or SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual), and are not rapists or mutilators, but partners. Sade-ists as depicted are rapists and mutilators and humiliators, and ones which are not desiring of consent.
This brings me to yet another point: consent. BDSM is not BDSM without consent. Not in my view at least. Consent is key, as can be evidenced by two general theories of bdsm play previously mentioned: RACK and SSC, both of which center around consent. If there is not consent, it is abuse. I believe that in order to get consent, there must be trust on both sides. Master and I have had a lot of trouble with our relationship specifically because of lack of trust, either in each other or in ourselves. We both have struggled with trusting ourselves in these roles. I have struggled in trusting that he will not see me any differently if I submit to him (logically I know it’s true, but I still have struggled with it). And so many other little things which have hindered our process.
Without trust, consent is impossible. Without consent, BDSM and RACK or SSC are not possible. However, when you have both of these, the feeling is amazing.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how Master and I met lately. I’m not sure why… it popped into my head the other day, thinking that I should send the person who basically introduced us something, a thank you card or fruit basket.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my own sexuality as well (big surprise), and I’ve been thinking about Kat and glen and how the four of us will work together. I think it will end up being kind of an N shaped relationship, with each | being our primary relationships, me and Master, Kat and glen, and then the \ bit being us to each other.
Although I adore glen and want to become good friends with him I don’t think we would have a deep romantic or sexual relationship. Some playing may occur, who knows! I mean, we’ve talked about him being made to suck my strap-on while we’re in England, and various other things like that, but that would be more casual… I should see if he agrees. I think he does… I’m so bad at emailing even when I want to! I blame finals. I mean, I’m not against developing a deeper relationship with him, but I think our interactions would be through Kat, and also as friends and snuggle buddies and things like that, but not… I don’t know if I’m explaining this right.
In my ideal world, we four would be able to get houses right next to each other, have our seperate primary relationships in each house, Master and I could babysit for them on occasion when they were needing to get into sexy kinky stuff, things like that. We would all be great friends, and each of our primary relationships would come first, but Kat and I would have a fair amount of alone time as well, and also we would have times when all four of us got together and played, or some combination thereof (Kat with glen and me while Master was at work, Master and Kat with me while glen was at work, or things like that…).
However, this ideal world would not be for a long time coming, but I’m willing to wait and just see how things go, how things progress. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, for the past week or so, but have been having a hard time working everything out. I started this post last Friday or Saturday, but had to think about it more before being able to get into it fully.
I’ve also been thinking about my own sexuality and my relationship with Master specifically. He’s mentioned that he would not be interested in having another sub, and I’m way down for that, I don’t think I would want him with another sub. He and I with another sub, however… that could be hot. I’d be interested to see the power dynamic there. I’ve been thinking a lot about exploring my more Dominant side, I think I would want to do it while I myself was being Dominated, showing off for my Dom/me, as it were.
There are a lot more musings of this sort… and I’ll get to them later. For now, though, I have a paper to write.
The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys according to cracked.com.
Would it surprise anyone if I was to say I own one of these, have seriously thought about buying two, and idly thought about buying four more? I didn’t think so.
Anyone want to take a gander at which ones those may be?
As I’ve mentioned previously, Master and I have been looking for a cuntpet name for me for quite some time, but have been unable to find one that has fit. I’ve been wanting a name as an aid to training, an aid to submitting, a little extra control over me.
So, today, Master found my name for me. I was pondering changing my username on livejournal. The two options I first came up with were scarletlotus and feministfucktoy. Both Master and Kat voted for scarletlotus. So, to Master, I mentioned that I agreed, was leaning toward that, and asked what he thought of having scarlet be his name for me.
His response: I was thinking about just that this morning.
How’s that for kismet?
In addition to it fitting me like a custom-made corset, it also has spiritual associations for both Master and myself. In addition, as Kat calls me her lotus or her flower, being able to use scarletlotus is a blending of Master’s and Miss’ names for me. It just fits so well for this section of my life.
~scarlet lotus sexgeek~
I was recently (just barely) messaged by The Dark Republican on fetlife (he’s right here). He is moving to the area and looking for friends, and me definitely needing friends, it’s a perfect combination.
During and after responding to his message I read a bit of his blog, and not only does he have me linked (the first give away of a stellar blogger ;P ) he also is insightful and a delight to read. And, who knows, perhaps there will be more of him in this blog as well.
I’ve been kind of bereft of things to say lately. Not that there aren’t things happening, but perhaps because there is too much happening and I can’t formulate all my words for it. Not a lot on the BDSM front has been happening, really, we’re just plugging along. Master has gotten kind of lax on some things, but only after something that happened on Saturday night. We were sitting, watching a few episodes of season four of BSG, and going to go over to our neighbormates after we were done watching. We got done, he hopped up, said we should go over, and I paused, grumped, and basically took a little bit to get up. He threw a little fit, said “fine” and went downstairs. I was bewildered. I wanted to go, I was going to go, I was just tired and taking a little bit to get up.
He said that he was tired of everything being a struggle. I was so confused, and I went off on how it has been different and he was acting as if it wasn’t, and I went off on how I was just exhausted from working all day and thinking about all the things I had to do all the time, and not having a mental break, and oh so much more. I ended up bawling in the living room, and he held me. I hadn’t really let on just how stressed and tired and overwhelmed I have been about everything that’s going on, but I let him know it then. Since then, however, he’s been a little lax, as I mentioned. I think because of everything I said.
What I can’t wait for, though is to not have to worry about anything of this sort. I’ll still have work (hopefully more of it), and I’ll still have things that I want to do, but nothing mandatory. I have a feeling I will be increadibly lazy. This will also afford me the ability to devote more time to Master and to Kat.
Kat and I have taken slightly backwards steps as well, I haven’t been kneeling next to her in channel, I kind of backed off because of what happened last weekend. I was thinking about it today, though, and realized she didn’t tell me to back off, I just did it. I think I view my submission to her as well as my submission to Master as a burden to them, a chore, something they have to “deal with” instead of something which should bring them pleasure and, perhaps, lift some burdens. I came to realize that I need to have more trust in both of them, that I need to stop thinking about what I think they want and just give myself to them and they can do what they want with that.
If they don’t want me to be submissive at that time and want support from a loving equal, then they will tell me that. However, I think it is harder for them (or less likely) to tell me to be submissive when I’m not being than telling me to not be submissive when I am being… if that makes sense. I think it does. I think that it would be better for me to submit without being prompted to, and I think that would be better and easier for them as well.
I used to think of this all wrong, I think. I viewed submitting as something to be done to me, as opposed to something I would freely give. I don’t and won’t just give it to anyone, it takes a very special person for me to truly submit to them. I can sexually submit to someone easily, but to actually submit completely and totally to the will of another is something which is much more difficult for me to do.
There is a reason why I have chosen these two people, because I love them, because they know me, because we click in some way or another, and many other reasons. But more than anything else, I think, I have chosen them because I have the desire to submit to them, to make them proud of me, to make their lives a little easier, and to be able to show the love I have for them in a very overt and obvious way.
I need to trust that they will be able to handle what I give them, and despite minor misgivings, I do. I need to trust that they will communicate with me openly and let me know when I’m doing something they don’t want me to do, or let me know if I’m doing something right. I need to trust that they will be consistent. I need to know that I’m appreciated, and that my gift is reciprocated.
I’m not to all these places yet, but I’m a hell of a lot closer than I was a year ago, and that’s something to be proud of. I’m also closer than I was a week ago, and simply by making this discovery (and the ones which are sure to follow–whatever they may be) I am closer every minute.
I posted this a few days ago in another journal, and decided it’s necessary to post it here along with what happened after I posted it…
From redtube, so, you know, not work safe, but neither is this blog, so you should know this already.
I posted it under the title “Gimme Some of This, Please?” I don’t remember why I found it, I think I was bored and looking around redtube for something yummy, and I found this (I think by searching “bdsm anal” or something similar). I love all the elements in it, the anal, the face slapping, the asphyxia, yes please.
After posting it, Master saw it. I was on my computer and he came over with a comment about the clip and started kissing me, he climbed on top of me and took my wrists down, pinning me down against the bed as he kissed me and moved his leg between mine. I struggled slightly, playfully, grinding myself up against him.
He put his hands around my throat, then he put his hands over my mouth, pinching my nose shut. He made me struggle for breath multiple times, and I got into a wonderful headspace, submissive, horny, delighted, in need. He undressed, tugged my skirt up, and started fucking me with my ankles on his shoulders, alternating between holding my legs or holding my arms down against the bed.
He slapped my face a few times, kissed me roughly, and pinned me down against the bed. After cumming inside me I continued to grind up against him, aching for him to start fucking me again, needing that feeling of filling, and after a while of this he started fucking me again. I turned over so he was fucking me from behind and his hand curled into my hair to pull it as he fucked me.
He came inside me again, and again I continued to grind, he asked me what else I wanted, what I really wanted, and I asked him to fuck my ass. After teasing me with the idea, he got my ass ready with his fingers before slipping inside, starting to fuck my ass hard and roughly as I moaned and squealed and begged for more.
He came inside me once more, this time in my ass, and after he did I came as well, my hand on my clit and his permission in my ears. I came two more times just rubbing myself while he watched me.
It was a good good night.
Someone posted about being named today, and it got me thinking. I have been wanting a slavecuntpet name for quite some time now, yet Master and I have yet to find one which suits. Kat has been calling me “lotus” and “flower” which I do love, but that would be my name with her, of course. I’m wondering if she wants me to call her something, like Miss or Ma’am, though I’m more partial to Miss, or something else entirely… I was thinking about that as we were talking today, but I didn’t take the time to ask… I’ll ask her about that tomorrow.
But, my name with Master is one I would like to be able to adopt. He thought about arani, which I like but there’s something slightly off about it… not quite me, I guess. My self-chosen aliases of quadishtu and magdalena aren’t suitable either, as they do have different contexts, and we both want one which can be for him and me only, really. Cuntpet is more of a term for me than a name, as it’s my alternative to “slave.” So… where does this name come from, then? I know a lot of people say “wait, it’ll come” and that we’ll find it when we’re ready, and maybe that’s part of it, but I also want one now so that we can start working with it. Perhaps cuntpet just needs to be that for now, although that is also an alias I chose for myself, not something he chose for me.
The concept of having a name given to me, or chosen for me by my Master or Kat is one which I enjoy. It definitely creates an atmosphere of submission, without really having to do very much. It shows the hold they have over me, as they have the will and ability to change my name at any given moment. I love mental aspects of BDSM, and this is one that would fall into that category. I also believe that names hold great power, that they influence one’s life profoundly, which is also why when naming anything (generally pets) I have rules which I follow (I got this from my mother), and I make sure they always have three names, and names which fit them.
It’s finding a name with Master that’s the trouble. I’m sure he would like to name me a goddess, arani is a goddess of sexual fire, and I’m sure that’s the theme he’s wanting, but nothing seems to fit. I forget the other option, but I liked it much less than arani. I will probably just have to wait and see what we come up with, but in the meantime I want to start conditioning that switch in me to be associated with a name. However, I will just have to wait. Perhaps we need to find one in the meantime to work with, aside from cuntpet. I do enjoy cuntcake, it’s one I thought up today, hehe, but it wouldn’t be a name. Perhaps something simple, like lotus is simple and pretty and me, I love that she chose that for me. Maybe tigerlily, or simply nymph…
Any suggestions? Do any of you have names you’re called, or have you named your property something else?
Some days I have very little to say D/s wise, and on these days I’m quiet.
I’m working on a paper for my Queer Theory class exploring BDSM, which should be interesting. I’m having a very hard time narrowing down a concept. I’m thinking of exploring gender, using Venus in Furs and Secretary, or possibly Venus in Furs and a scene which I will describe. Another option is marriage and BDSM, I know quite a few Dommes and male subs who won’t participate in it due to the misogyny associated with it, and since it pretty much goes the opposite of their roles, similarly, in ViF Wanda asserts that she could never marry someone who was subordinate to her, if she was to marry it would be to a Dominant man. I also know many female subs who want to get married to their Dom. And then there’s me…
Other than that… marriage would be easy to do, but I’m not sure if I could write twelve pages on it, though… possibly. I may add marriage into a paper on gender, and I could add something on gender supremacy within BDSM and also some things I’ve already talked about in here.
My Prof. agreed that basically at this point the hardest part for me will be narrowing down a topic. I think I just need to choose one and run with it, but there is so much that I would like to explore. Whatever I do I’ll end up posting it here, to be sure. It’s two weeks from the end of the semester, so I may be quite absent these next two weeks.
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