I’ve been kind of bereft of things to say lately. Not that there aren’t things happening, but perhaps because there is too much happening and I can’t formulate all my words for it. Not a lot on the BDSM front has been happening, really, we’re just plugging along. Master has gotten kind of lax on some things, but only after something that happened on Saturday night. We were sitting, watching a few episodes of season four of BSG, and going to go over to our neighbormates after we were done watching. We got done, he hopped up, said we should go over, and I paused, grumped, and basically took a little bit to get up. He threw a little fit, said “fine” and went downstairs. I was bewildered. I wanted to go, I was going to go, I was just tired and taking a little bit to get up.
He said that he was tired of everything being a struggle. I was so confused, and I went off on how it has been different and he was acting as if it wasn’t, and I went off on how I was just exhausted from working all day and thinking about all the things I had to do all the time, and not having a mental break, and oh so much more. I ended up bawling in the living room, and he held me. I hadn’t really let on just how stressed and tired and overwhelmed I have been about everything that’s going on, but I let him know it then. Since then, however, he’s been a little lax, as I mentioned. I think because of everything I said.
What I can’t wait for, though is to not have to worry about anything of this sort. I’ll still have work (hopefully more of it), and I’ll still have things that I want to do, but nothing mandatory. I have a feeling I will be increadibly lazy. This will also afford me the ability to devote more time to Master and to Kat.
Kat and I have taken slightly backwards steps as well, I haven’t been kneeling next to her in channel, I kind of backed off because of what happened last weekend. I was thinking about it today, though, and realized she didn’t tell me to back off, I just did it. I think I view my submission to her as well as my submission to Master as a burden to them, a chore, something they have to “deal with” instead of something which should bring them pleasure and, perhaps, lift some burdens. I came to realize that I need to have more trust in both of them, that I need to stop thinking about what I think they want and just give myself to them and they can do what they want with that.
If they don’t want me to be submissive at that time and want support from a loving equal, then they will tell me that. However, I think it is harder for them (or less likely) to tell me to be submissive when I’m not being than telling me to not be submissive when I am being… if that makes sense. I think it does. I think that it would be better for me to submit without being prompted to, and I think that would be better and easier for them as well.
I used to think of this all wrong, I think. I viewed submitting as something to be done to me, as opposed to something I would freely give. I don’t and won’t just give it to anyone, it takes a very special person for me to truly submit to them. I can sexually submit to someone easily, but to actually submit completely and totally to the will of another is something which is much more difficult for me to do.
There is a reason why I have chosen these two people, because I love them, because they know me, because we click in some way or another, and many other reasons. But more than anything else, I think, I have chosen them because I have the desire to submit to them, to make them proud of me, to make their lives a little easier, and to be able to show the love I have for them in a very overt and obvious way.
I need to trust that they will be able to handle what I give them, and despite minor misgivings, I do. I need to trust that they will communicate with me openly and let me know when I’m doing something they don’t want me to do, or let me know if I’m doing something right. I need to trust that they will be consistent. I need to know that I’m appreciated, and that my gift is reciprocated.
I’m not to all these places yet, but I’m a hell of a lot closer than I was a year ago, and that’s something to be proud of. I’m also closer than I was a week ago, and simply by making this discovery (and the ones which are sure to follow–whatever they may be) I am closer every minute.