I’m highly surprised at how little I’ve been writing on here lately. I have so many drafts in the works but so little desire to finish them most of the time. I’m still feeling similar to what I wrote about in my disconnected post, and I just got a temp job (hoping it will turn permanent) working at the University Bookstore which helps as far as money issues that I’ve been having (though not a lot).
In some ways I feel like I can’t authentically express everything that is going on in my head and heart and so therefore I don’t feel like expressing any of it. At the same time I’ve got a build-up of emotions that really just needs to be let loose. Remember those days when I was posting every day? I kind of miss that a lot. I want to get back to it, but I’m not sure how.
I’m at once ecstatically happy and extremely depressed with my current living situation. Onyx and Marla are both amazing and I love them both very much but nothing is working the way any of us planned or wanted. I went into it knowing that things change and there was the possibility of just about anything but I never expected things to work out the way they have.
They each act differently around me than they do around each other and so often I feel closed off from one or both of them when the three of us are together. I’m not sure how they interact with each other when I’m not there (obviously) so I don’t know if this happens only when the three of us are together or if it is the nature of their relationship, though I think it’s probably the latter. This makes it difficult for me, and when the three of us are together we feel like three roommates instead of three lovers.
Not too long ago Sinclair talked about differing needs within relationships, that the relationship itself has needs in addition to the people within it. I’ve mentioned before that within our triad there are four relationships: mine and Onyx’s, mine and Marla’s, Marla and Onyx’s, and the three of us together, when you add in the fact that each of those relationships have needs and the three of us have needs that’s a whole lot of needs going on there. I really wonder if any of the seven different needs are actually getting met.