via via art or porn

I always know it’s been a good fucking session when I’m fuzzy on the details the next day or, even better, right after.

We’ve been off for a while, uncertain, not fitting right, just not quite working together the way we used to. The sex has always been great, but something has been missing, something important, something fundamental.

I’ve been desiring to be dominated by him recently, for a while now really, but I have a really difficult time expressing that need. I’m not sure how to ask for it. I’m not sure how to initiate being the submissive partner. Logically I know I should be able to say “would you dominate me tonight?” Logically I know this would be well-received and logically I know he would like this, but I’m still afraid to do it, and so I haven’t.

My discovery of switchyness has in some ways hurt our relationship. I have such a dominant personality it’s difficult to tell when I want to be submissive or not, especially since I can’t seem to express that desire to him otherwise. I’m very glad I discovered it and I’m really excited to explore my Top side with Marla (really very excited) but I also know it’s put a question mark in my relationship with Onyx that wasn’t there before.

I had to explore myself a lot in relation to my roles. It’s been nine months since I embraced switch and I’m still exploring what that means.

At first I thought I wanted fixed roles with individuals, never switching within a relationship only outside of them. I went to the opposite extreme of wanting no fixed roles and to just do as we please.

Onyx and I have been trying to have no set roles for a while now, since about October, and it has changed our dynamic hugely. Once upon a time we were actually trying to be in a 24/7 O/cp relationship, at the tail-end of that I started embracing switch, and that’s when the disruptions started happening.

I have a tendency to focus only on a new identity when one crops up, so that I can understand it and work with it before integrating it fully into myself. My doing this with my Domina side or Top side was difficult while being in a relationship with a primarily dominant person, as one can imagine.

My exploring of my Domina side allowed Onyx to realize that he is a switch as well, though basically a Dom/switch, or a Dom who occasionally bottoms who is willing to call himself a switch. This was very good, and I do still love Topping him, but the last few months I wasn’t really getting dominated at all, or very little, and I knew this needed to change.

I think that working on being with Marla has in many ways required us to reevaluate our own relationship and communication. But that’s a whole other post.

I decided to broach the subject of changing our dynamic yet again two nights ago, though I did it kind of late at night and without fully explaining myself. He thought I meant go back to a more structured and somewhat more permanent D/s style, and kind of shot me down in a roundabout way. I was confused at this, but decided to drop it in favor of sleep and bring it up the next day.

Yesterday I brought it up again, this time I explained better, I think, that I wanted us to default into him being Dominant and me being submissive. Primarily I am desiring sexual domination from him, but not only, allowing for the ability of things to move outside bedroom-only D/s if either of us desire.

What I really desire is for us to go back to similar the way we were when we first got together and were long-distance and seeing each other occasionally in the sense of the dynamic we had then. We had this wonderful casually-D/s thing going on that was at once always-present while also not trying to be anything other than it was. It was rather perfect, as far as I remember. He agreed. We know it won’t be exactly the same but it can be similar. The times we weren’t physically together during that period weren’t as great but, that’s a whole other story.

Basically we’ve come full-circle. In a good way. With the addition of all the things we’ve learned along the way.

I do love it when things fall into place.

So, back to the fucking. As a result of the discussion to turning our dynamic back to somewhat more set roles but also having the ability to change them should we desire we had some delicious rough sex last night that incorporated many of my favorite things including breath play, his fingers in my mouth, hair pulling, face slapping, and some orgasm control. It was pretty amazing and most of it is a blur.

We fucked three times last night, which is something we haven’t done in quite some time. He also used my mouth after getting off work today, and daytime sex has become a bit of a rarity in our lives as well. Evidence that this change is already proving to be a great one.