I’ve been reviewing sex toys for a fair amount of time now. Most of the toys I get aren’t as couples-centric as they sometimes need to be, and some of the ones that require a partner aren’t always used as much as others.
Since we moved out of our D/s dynamic and into whatever it is we do now (still figuring that out on some levels) Onyx has had more and more of a difficult time expressing his needs and wants. Being out of work and unable to find a job didn’t help, neither did my poor behavior as his “submissive.” That, along with the birth control mess-ups I talked about yesterday really impacted our sex life since we moved especially.
I took a little break from reviewing when I moved, mostly for sanity’s sake, but I returned to it with fervor once I got back in the swing of things. We’ve never really talked about sex toys, which is remarkable considering the amount of toys I’ve gotten over the last many months, and the other week we had a discussion about how they have affected our sex life.
In some ways, they’re enhanced it, but in others they’ve taken away. It always takes me longer to come from Onyx’s fingers than it does from a vibrator or my own fingers (though the vibrator usually wins) and we tend to have sex rather late at night when we’re both already tired so there’s limited time. Because we end up wanting it over with somewhat quickly I often finish myself off, usually with his fingers inside me because that’s what I love.
He had been feeling distant from my getting off, like he wasn’t necessary to the process, so he unconsciously started lessening his initiation of getting me off. Because he was getting me off less I was giving him head less, and so we were both denying the other something because of a sense of rejection. We both have big issues with rejection, so this isn’t something new but something we do work on and have been forever.
Part of this also had to do with the amount of toys I have been getting. It’s difficult for most people to view toys as a supplement to sex or a sex enhancer rather than a replacement for, and Onyx was having issues with this as is completely understandable. Problem is we weren’t talking about any of this.
Communication is key, and I know that, I preach that whenever possible, but it’s also extremely difficult which I also get. Neither of us is prone to communication, rather we tend to retreat into ourselves to try to fix problems and often don’t even realize when problems are happening due to our abundance of self-delusion when it comes to issues. It often takes us a few days to even figure out what’s wrong and then a few more days to start talking about it.
Our conversation started with me complaining that he never gets me off any more (though that’s changed since the conversation). We ended up talking about sex toys and the issues mentioned above, and came to the solution that I would show him how to use the toys on me better instead of me doing it. This may seem like a no-brainer, and he had used toys on me before, especially dildos but only sometimes vibrators.
This conversation happened only a few days after we had gotten the Liberator Ramp (click to read my review) and LELO Bo (click to read my review), two toys that are very couples-centric rather than solo-centric. They were part of the catalyst for the conversation, I believe, as I noticed his enjoyment of those two products and wished that he would enjoy other products as much.
This is not to say I don’t use other products on him like lube, dildos, harnesses and such, or we don’t use products together like crops and other BDSM toys, but it’s not the same. He’s never as excited about even the BDSM-centric toys I get in the mail, but he was pretty excited about the Ramp and Bo.
Point is, we talked. We communicated, after a long time of not doing so. Every time we talk about these things it brings us that much closer together, and I like that. Every time we have issues we always talk about them eventually and I think we’re talking about them more and more often rather then bottling them up and stuffing them back inside or ignoring them all together. This is very good.
Our sex since our talk has been better, as well. I feel more connected with him, more intimate, more engaged, all of which is wonderful. I’m sure we’ll continue to change and grow and become more open with each other, but we both have to undo decades of defense system self-training, and Onyx has ten years on me so he’s often a harder nut to crack and all that.