Purveyor of Pleasure

Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.

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Helpless

He straddles my waist where I lay and pins my arms against me. I’m still able to squirm but know that even if I tried to get free it would be difficult. Not that I want to try. I look up at him, helpless beneath him, and he just grins and slaps first my left cheek and then my right. I whimper my false protests as my cheeks turn rosy red and sting from the impact.

The same hand connects with each of my breasts in turn. I squirm and try to cover them but am unable to free my arms. He likes me like this: helpless, unable to stop his ravaging of my body as he chooses. I like me like this: helpless, without the ability to move or cover myself, knowing my protests will not stop him.

A few more slaps and he moves to unzip his pants, not bothering to take off his clothes or my own as he rises up a bit. He shifts enough to let my hungry mouth find his cock, or for him to shove it into my mouth. They both happen simultaneously. I try to move my head as best as I am able but for the most part he is just fucking my face. Yet he’s not just fucking my face, he’s telling me through his actions that I am his for the taking, and I’m lapping it up.

It doesn’t take him long to lean against the wall behind my head and really start moving his hips up and down, his cock gliding in and out of my wet mouth.

Occasionally as he fucks my face he presses all the way in until his balls hit my chin and I have difficulty breathing. Sometimes he pinches my nose shut when he does this. I fight my gag reflex for as long as possible before my throat contracts around his cockhead in the way I know he enjoys. I gag once and then twice at the minimum before he lets me breathe again.

He’s usually gracious and gives me a few breaths to recover with after gagging. I sometimes cough or sputter but always move my mouth toward his cock soon after, taking the initiative in a way even as I’m still trapped beneath him. Most often he will utilize this moment by slapping my face, or playing with my breasts or nipples.

Sometimes he will come in my mouth like this, but this time he moves down between my legs which spread easily for him and he slips his cock into my cunt, made wet from his rough treatment. My throat lets out a moan as I move to meet his thrust as best I can. He takes me effortlessly, occasionally grunting his own pleasure but mostly staying silent as my own sounds fill the air.

We move together for what seems like forever, I clench myself around him as he drives in and out of my wet cunt. I am able to hear my wetness with every movement, the realization of which makes me blush internally, my face already flushed from the activity. He moves my legs so they are up straight against him, my feet on his shoulders, changing the angle so his cockhead hits my g-spot perfectly. My moans change and hands start gripping the wall behind me for support.

Suddenly he pulls out and pushes my legs to the side, guiding me onto my knees. I catch a glimpse of his face which is devoid of expressive emotion. He is at once distant from me and present with me. He is treating me like his fucktoy and I am more than happy to receive it. I quickly move into the right position, backing my hips up against him until his hardness slips inside me again and he continues fucking me with renewed fervor.

I am in heaven for the next few minutes as his cock continues to stimulate my g-spot, the familiar feeling welling up in me, so akin to needing to pee yet not the same at all. I brace myself against the wall again as his movements become even more demanding, shoving my body forward with each thrust. I let my body move with the force of him while also pushing back. His hands are on my hips both to stabilize himself and to guide my movements, a constant reminder of his control.

He starts grunting even more, almost growling as he nears his orgasm, focused on taking his pleasure out on me, letting me feel the depth of his lust for me as I absorb it all into my being.

I am His in this moment, completely and utterly.

Soon he lets out a loud growl as he begins to come. I can feel him exploding in me and make sure to squeeze my cunt muscles tight around him, my feet move to hook around his shins as he kneels behind me, a small gesture.

Once movement stops we both pant for breath and he rolls us over onto our sides. Our clothes still separate our flesh from each other in most places. I can feel the roughness of his jeans against my ass.

Spooning, he wraps an arm around me, the other serving as my pillow. My hand entwines with his and my legs slip between his. My ankles rest on his shins. I am enveloped by him even as he is still enveloped by me. I am again trapped by his limbs, this time helpless against the love and comfort he provides.

Silouette


Horizon and Windows by random letters used under a Creative Commons

The floor-to-ceiling windows allow the hues of sunset to cascade into the room, reds, pinks and oranges, enhancing the dim lighting. Her back is to me as she watches the horizon slowly change.

Her stance is wide, strong, and I desperately want to move toward her and separate the delicate folds of her with my tongue, find the right pressure and speed, pleasing her and tasting her. Instead I stay as I am, kneeling, watching her form shift against the hues of dusk sky. Her power radiates.

She turns, languidly, crossing her arms in front of her and tapping one black latex-covered finger against the opposite elbow. Though her face is still in shadow I can feel the grin that splits her mouth make me tingle.

She watches me watch her, my desire is written across my face for her to see. I keep no secrets. “All fours.” She says, and I quickly comply.

Before I can register her movement she’s behind me and her fingers are pushing inside of me, spreading me open, her other hand pressing my naked self forward, making me crawl with her fingers inside me toward the window.

She moves me forward until my cheek presses against the cool glass. A shiver runs up my spine either from the cold of the glass or the hot of my cunt, I’m not sure which, but I know she felt my reaction.

Her sharp teeth dig into the soft flesh of my ass as she adds another finger into my already dripping cunt, opening me up further around her, making me moan and squeal with pleasure as I thrust back against her fingers. She leans up and whispers in my ear, “Isn’t the sunset, beautiful, darling?”

I clear my throat to answer, but end up just feebly nodding against the glass, unable to find my voice.

She adds another finger and moves more insistently, each thrust going a little deeper trying to press as far into me as possible. I can feel her surrounding me with her dominance as her fingers penetrate my hot flesh. The sky before us darkens further, the red and orange hues fading to purple and blue.

Another lubed finger presses against my backdoor as the others still inside of me, opening me further for her, her toy to play with. She wiggles her fingers in my cunt as she adds a second finger easily into my ass, and I can’t help but grunt and thrust desperately back at her. My clit is on fire and I hope that she will let me come.

I hear her chuckle softly as she begins thrusting with both hands, alternating fullness and making me writhe, my torso would fall if I wasn’t pressed up so tightly against the glass. My cheek is wet with the moisture of my breathing.

She continues until I can’t stand it, I’m on the edge and unconsciously start rubbing my thighs together, rocking my pelvis, rubbing against my sensitive clit as I do.

Her knee knocks against my thighs, spreading them apart wider, keeping me open, not allowing me that release I need. She tsks and chuckles deeply before continuing her thrusting, my clit on fire with every movement.

“Please…”

“What is it, pet?”

“Please, let me come, please… my clit is aching for it… please…” My pleas turn desperate as her fingers move faster within me.

Her teeth dig into the flesh of my ass again, making me squeal with delight and pain. Just as quickly her fingers have left me and she slaps my ass.

“Turn over.” She says, and I quickly comply, too eager for my own good.

“Now, now, darling. The evening has just begun. I have much more in store for you.” She grins, standing and looking into my eyes as I lay on my back, open for her, missing her touch. I try to show her my need with my eyes, but nod as my mind races over the possibilities in her words.

She crosses back over to the window. The sky has cooled a bit, reds and oranges faded to dark pink and blue, but the outline of her is still visible contrasted to the light coming from the sky. I watch as she brings a glass filled with her favorite drink to her lips, her gloved fingers still moist with my juices.

Unsure of what to do, I watch her movements and then nearly jump out of my skin as the doorbell rings.

In Which I Wake Up Coming

Ho. Lee. Shit.

I’ve never had this happen before that I can remember. I just woke up from a dream coming, without any physical stimulation. It was glorious. I was very pleasantly surprised!

Now, the dream:

I’m not sure how I got into the situation, but I was with someone (no one I know) and we were in a large spacious room. We were fighting, kinda play-fighting, trying to figure out who was going to be on Top. He (masculine though not necessarily male, that was unclear–you know how dreams are) told me that he knew I wanted to be taken, dominated, etc. I was adamantly refusing it. I had my red cane and was occasionally hitting him in addition to our wrestling, circling, and fighting.

At one point something changed in me. I’m not sure how it happened, but I think he tripped me, so I fell to my knees. He pushed his hand against my shoulders and brought them to the floor, so my ass was up in the air. I suddenly didn’t want to be on top anymore, I wanted to be topped, but I didn’t want him to know that.

Suddenly he had the cane and was hitting me just the way I like it: lots of little somewhat-light/somewhat-hard smacks that burn more than sting. He was smacking just above my ass, mostly, telling me that was a sensitive spot, asking me if I was enjoying it. I shook my head but inside I was singing, elated, loving every second.

I was naked, though I think I had been clothed before (you know how dreams are). He was still clothed. Suddenly he pushed three lubed fingers into my ass, which slid in easily and wonderfully. I clenched around them and moaned as he continued to cane me in that lightly-hard burning way that I love so well. He chuckled and asked me again if I enjoyed it, if that was a moan of pleasure or displeasure. I didn’t answer, but I didn’t need to.

He began fucking my ass with his fingers, until I started moving back toward him, clenching around him. I could feel my cunt so wet beneath where he was penetrating, and then he brought out the toy.

It was a rabbit like the one I’m giving away (though I haven’t used that one, but I’ve marveled at it and want one). He turned it on, pushed it inside of me, and positioned the ears just perfectly over my clit. He continued fingering my ass while the rabbit turned away inside me getting my g-spot and the ears buzzed over my clit.

It didn’t take long until I was coming. As I came in the dream I woke up to my body and cunt spasming, coming, partaking in a glorious (albeit short as I was not fully awake for all of it) orgasm.

My hands were nowhere near my clit or cunt or ass. I was coming hands-free, on my side, clutching a pillow to my chest.

Score one for my imagination.

Microfantasy Monday – Sliding Glass Doors

The idea behind Microfantasy Mondays comes from Ang of Sweltering Celt.

This week’s theme: Sliding. Glass. Doors.

“There.” He growled, impatience and irritation in his voice as he pointed across the room. She slowly turned her head from where she was kneeling and let her gaze follow the line his finger made. She bit her lip but knew that further hesitation on her part would result in something worse, so she started to stand. “No.” He told her firmly. She knew what to do.

She sighed softly and crawled across the room, over the carpet and then the tile in the kitchen before she reached the sliding glass door. He told her to stand and spread her legs, facing outside. She was already naked and hesitated for long enough that he felt the need to encourage her by reaching down and slapping her exposed bottom.

Quickly she stood and displayed her naked form to the world outside. As he came up behind her she counted the windows she could see into, meaning the windows that people could see her from, and wondered who would get a glimpse. There was a small balcony outside the door, but the building across the street was taller than her own. One of his hands moved between her legs as the other pressed against her left shoulder, pressing her against the cold glass as he dipped into her and showed her off to the neighbors, heightening her embarrassment and elation.

Fallen into Place

Yesterday (the 19th) was our three year collaring anniversary, though we’ve known each other nearly four years and met face-to-face numerous times before he collared me, he waited until the right moment to bring me that collar. It was accompanied by Norwegian chocolates which he brought from Salt Lake City to Ashland, Oregon (where I was living at the time), and lots and lots of hot heavy sex.

Since my discovery of my Domina side I have been less submissive than ever, though there were plenty of times when I wasn’t submissive before I embraced myself as a Domina, but that’s beside the point. Embracing that side of me gave me permission to explore it, which made me less keen on playing the submissive. Though, since our switching experiment last month with Onyx’s discovery of his bottom side and our decision to switch as we please I have been able to get more and more of the Dominant energy out of me, and now I’m craving submission.

Thinking back to the beginning of our relationship, in those early days even when we were fighting our own love for each other and just giving into the lust we were always Dominant and submissive, but not as much as I thought I wanted us to be. I had these desires of a 24/7 M/s relationship where I had no control and he had total control. It’s possible for others, but not quite for us. I do still desire that to an extent, but I know that it just does not work with our relationship. He has a very hard time saying no to me, and I know how to take advantage of that.

The more I look at our lives now I realize just how wonderful everything has become. I love that we both have opened up to our switch sides and that we can both tease each other and work off each other’s energy in order to enjoy every moment more instead of trying to fit ourselves into a box.

The more I look back at the past year or so, when I was trying to fit us into that box, that triangle peg in a square hole that will never fit no matter how hard you push, I wonder why I was so determined to have it happen. It did work for small periods of time, and then it would deteriorate into our usual routine. I’ve come to realize I like our usual routine! And now that it’s free to be what it is and not being pushed into a box I feel like we’re both breathing easier and enjoying things a lot more.

Still, there are times when I want the more strict D/s dynamic back and I don’t know how to ask for it yet. There are moments where I just want him to grab me by the hair and devour my mouth, or start spanking me and rubbing my cunt, or cover my nose and mouth to control my breath, or pin me down and fuck me like his whore. Yet there are also moments where I don’t want that at all, so I know it’s difficult for him because, like me, he’s still discovering the differences in me between my two power personae, and I’m still figuring out how to signal my change when it happens.

Eventually that will come, however, through our further communication and evolving it will come.

Semantics Sunday: Fucktoy

So it’s not exactly Sunday, but I can fake it.

Fucktoy is a word I have been struggling to find my own definition of. When I started this blog I originally bought ofpleasure.com which I still own and which points to this domain. I then changed it to ofpleasure.com and now to ofpleasure.com. The change from cuntpet to feminist fucktoy happened when I realized that cuntpet was an identity, and it would be like owning slave.com or submissive.com and having that as my personal blog, that is, it would be centering this blog around one identity when I am many. I wanted to change that.

I found a shirt from dyketees.com which says “Feminist Fucktoy: Don’t hate the player – Hate the shame” and I absolutely fell in love with it. That shirt is what inspired me to change the name of the blog and website to The Feminist Fucktoy (and then femmeinist came later, of course). I chose the name before I started embracing my Domina side, and so fucktoy has been somewhat difficult for me to embrace as a Domina, but that’s why I defined it the way I did originally in the masthead.

I don’t believe that a fucktoy is someone soley used by another for their pleasure, which is what a common definition of fucktoy is (from what I can tell). Fucktoy is similar to slut in that sense, the common definition of slut is someone who fucks around but who isn’t gaining pleasure for themselves, only giving pleasure to others. In reality a slut can be many things, but the way I choose to view it is that it is someone who embraces hir own sexuality and chooses to engage in sexual activities in order to experience pleasure, both giving and receiving of pleasure. That is how I view fucktoy as well.

A fucktoy isn’t necesarially the one on the bottom, either, despite “toy” being part of the term, which we often equate as something being used. The beauty of a term like fucktoy is it combines an action with a (seemingly) inanimate object: fuck with toy, but toys are not always inanimate, they can do wonderful things (the SaSi comes to mind) and can embrace their given purpose, which is to bring pleasure in one form or another.

So, my (new) definition of fucktoy is as follows: a person who enjoys sex and sexuality with the purpose of giving and receiving pleasure for the benefit of all involved.

Are you a fucktoy too?

The Same, but Different

Some of you may not know, but I am currently on vacation, or “holiday” as they say over where I last was. We were in England for five days, Stansted for a day and then Brighton, which was where we met Kat and glen. Brighton was amazing. Now we are in Norway, Stavanger specifically, which is where Master grew up. There will be more of an update on the vanilla stuff in my regular journal soon, once I have the time to sit down and go through everything.

There has been a lot going on inside me as far as Master and Kat and glen. I find myself wanting exactly what I posted before about my ideal situation. I can’t imagine my life without any of them in it, and on that far off day when they are able to live together I hope that we will be able to live next door to them, or at least very close. I’m sure we can all pull it off.

I had a fit on I think it was Tuesday night. We had all been drinking, and I had on my wireless remote-controlled vibrator, which Master had been teasing me with all night. I had gotten used to it, but it was still annoying. Outside Kat pulled my hair and I turned into mush, but I didn’t want to show it, though I’m sure I did a little because I was drunk. When I was in the bathroom Master passed on the remote to Kat, which I didn’t know about. When I came back glen said a few things regarding not being mean to me, which I didn’t quite get, until I found out she had the remote.

When it was uncovered, when she handed it back to Master, I realized I would have acted differently if I had known she had it. This sent me into questioning why I would have acted differently, and I realized that I felt more submissive to her than I do to my own Master. I know part of that is that she is now off limits, in some ways, she’s someone I want but can’t have the way I would like, and that makes it all the more painful not to have her. The thing is, I really would rather them be together than she be with me, because I know and have known for quite some time that they are simply perfect together, and the trip just emphasized that. I have no desire to come between them, but I do still have these desires and I’m working on that.

I have a lot of issues with being with Master, a lot of heterosexual guilt for one thing, but also a lot of mistrust of him. I shut down that night, and they gave me all sorts of attention which in one way made it worse, but glen was the best that night. He said the most perfect things to me in the hallway, and things which I know but things I haven’t embraced fully. I’m wondering if I am able to with Master. It’s a matter of knowing that I’m smarter than him in some ways, though not in others too, and also knowing that if I’m stubborn enough I can usually get my way, and knowing that he will forget things that he’s said or not pay attention to the details of things when I will. I know he will disappoint me, or, I anticipate it, and I really shouldn’t.

Part of the reason, too, why I’ve come to desire Kat so much is that I know she is an extremely mental Dominant, and that is what I crave. I can’t be mentally dominated by someone who I expect to disappoint me, and I know that, and I’m working on getting out of that mentality, but it’s difficult. I am better than I was a year ago, I’m even better than I was last week, I think, but at the same time he will have to work on things. Consistency is something which I need badly, and it’s something that I haven’t really gotten, but I’ve expressed this to him before, and nothing seems to change.

I wonder if I’m expecting too much, and maybe that’s my problem, along with the disappointment thing. I’m expecting too much from him and when he doesn’t deliver I get upset and depressed and it’s harder for me to submit to him. I know now that I crave domination, I just need to actually feel dominated, and he doesn’t really do that, but part of that is my fault, because I won’t let him dominate me. It’s a two-way street as I’ve mentioned in other posts. He needs to take control, he needs to make me do things, but I also need to give him that control and I need to do the things he tells me to.

We’ve gotten better, in some ways, just in the last week. He’s calling me scarlet more, and I love when he calls me scarlet. I actually do things when he calls me scarlet, too, which is something I think he’s realizing. I know it means business when he calls me that, I guess, or something like that. I have been trying to have faith, like glen says, I’m trying to put myself in the mindset that he needs my help, my submission.

I have been trying to view myself in the ways that I have outlined in this blog, which I have believed or wanted but not actually put myself into that position. I have been thinking of myself as his personal assistant, and I’m needing to mention this to him as well, as I think it would help him in having me do things for him, which is difficult for him in some ways. I’m his personal assistant, his fucktoy, his bratty/sassy cunt, and his precious pet. This is basically what I said back in my first post about owner/cuntpet, and something I’ve embraced but also not quite taken to heart, and also something I have a slightly different perspective on now. I’ve got much more to say about all this, but that’s for another post.

When A Bad Day Rolls Around

On those days when just about everything feels like it’s going wrong, and I need to get some order and control back in my life, I clean. Today I cleaned the kitchen, even places I may have never cleaned before. I didn’t mop, however, because we’re all out of the things for our swiffer.

What does this have to do with bdsm, you may ask? Well. It is also on these days that my urge to be dominated is extra strong. Don’t get me wrong, I love to be dominated in general, but it’s these days that I crave it more than usual, that I desire it with every fiber of my being, and my body cries out for the pain and pleasure that is brought from submitting to the will of another, and hopefully being toyed with in the process.

It’s slightly ironic, that to get control back I would desire to be dominated, but it makes sense in another way. I am a control freak, something I’ve mentioned before and will (no doubt) mention many times again. I hate not being in control, though I have learned to cede control in certain situations, and, well, sometimes I’m just lazy and don’t want to think. However, control is very much a part of both my personal (duh) and professional (if I can call it that) life. I like to run groups, I like to make plans, I like to start projects, I like to encourage others, I like to be in control… except for when I don’t.

When I don’t want to be in control I really don’t want to be in control. I want to be dominated, wholly and truly, I want to be taken out of myself and put into the role of cunt/toy/servant/pet, that role which I love so well. Usually when I’m having a day like this, I want to be given pain, and I want it given well. I want to be tied down and made to scream and cry and beg to stop and to keep going at the same time. I want to not know what I want. I want to lose myself in the sensation which I am being given and just float away on it, not a care in the world.

I need this kind of release. The stress and the worry and the control I exert over my everyday life is more than most people would want, I think, more than I want and often more than I can handle. I feel like I have way too much on my plate, and I need to be taken to that place where only sensation, the delicious feel of hand or cane or yes, even the strap against my skin is all I can think about. I need to be taken to that place where I can only think of pleasing and being given pleasure. I need to be taken to that place where I can shut up my brain and not think about things for a while.

Needy Me

I think I need some things to change, at the moment. I feel like we are not doing as much as I would like, but we are both busy, so where do we find the time, how do we find the time? We need to make time, I guess. I feel like we haven’t done much extreme for a long time. I want to be tied up, I want him to tie me up and tease me and then leave me there, bound, gagged, and instruct me not to move.

Why is it easier to submit to strangers online than it is to submit to the man I love? Not that I do that too often, or hardly at all, really, but I found myself desiring it, just the easy anonymous submission, without having to think of future ramifications, without having to think about what people might think or say or how they might act around me differently. Though, I don’t think that Owner would act differently around me if I was to always submit fully to him, instead of what I’ve been doing, which is erratic and often bratty.

I’ve been wanting to be dominated lately, to just be used, taken, played with as a toy instead of as a person or human or even pet. Perhaps that’s another aspect of my cuntpetness is the Owner/toy aspect of it. I love being treated like a toy, being put into the place where I don’t have to think about anything, just being manipulated and molded by the will of another. I ache for that, and I’ve been wanting it a lot lately. Of course, instead of just saying this to Master, I just act more bratty and irritable, subconsciously hoping that he will take me in hand, so to speak. Needless to say, this doesn’t work.

Why don’t I just up and say something to him? Well, honestly, I think I’m rather shy about stuff like that. I have this fear of expressing things that are real, a fear of exposing myself to others, which is really why I’m attracted to submission in the first place. I long to be able to be exposed, raw, and bare, and for it not to matter. I care too much about what he thinks, and I’m too paranoid about getting hurt or about him not taking something the way I mean it, or about him not taking something I say seriously enough, or taking it too seriously… and so instead of saying things I just close off, shut down, until I am irritated and he’s confused.

The solution is obvious, but how to get to the solution, that’s the problem. It’s so difficult for me to say what I have and do already, I’m not sure how much more I really can express, and yet I know I need to. More than anything right now, I just need to be used and ass fucked would be nice too.

What I've Been Thinking About Lately

I mentioned a similar fantasy recently and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. Master and I both share in the fantasy of having another or many other men fucking me. I’ve been preoccupied with the idea of having two or three men fucking me at once, fucking each hole, switching between them, using me like an eager fucktoy. I was wet just thinking about it last night, and encouraged Master to fuck me, which I’ll detail on later. I ache to be filled in all holes at once, and I love to think of the pleasure my Master would get from watching me used by other men, flaunting how much of a slut I am, how eager I am to be fucked.

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