Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.


From someecards.

I tend to live in my head more than anywhere else, which can make it difficult to meet new people. I obsess over making good impressions so I often don’t say much when meeting someone for the first time and end up coming off either as shy or disinterested (and I think the latter more than the former). I generally prefer to observe others before engaging in conversation with them, as well, which doesn’t help.

The point being, I’m kind of terrible at meeting new people, and I’m kind of terrible at communication in general, I think. Writing is the way I communicate best, and I believe in communication with friends and lovers. I believe that it’s important, but sometimes it’s so damn difficult for me to get anything out.

This post was originally going to be about flirting, or my inability to flirt, but instead it’s evolved into interaction and communication in general, though also about flirting.

I think both my lack of flirting and communication abilities both stem from the same place: I’m afraid of my words being taken the wrong way, and sometimes I’m afraid of my words being taken the right way and my advances or assertions being unwanted or incorrect.

Everyone has these fears to an extent, but some have them more than others. I always admire the people who can speak their mind and who seem to have little disregard for what others think of them. I’m not that person, although I often wish I was. I care too much about what people think of me, and it pains me when someone dislikes me for whatever reason.

I came out as queer at a young age. I was the founder and president of my high school’s GSA and very out. I watched straight or even bi female friends of mine flirt with other girls, snuggle with them, kiss them, all the while wishing I could experience that but holding myself at arms length in fear of what they would think of me. I desired closeness in a friendly way, without any sexual overtones, just snuggling and exploration, but I was afraid if I attempted to join in they would think I was hitting on them.

It made me guarded, careful of what I said, worried at every turn that someone would take something I said the wrong way. I collapsed into myself and didn’t share that connection with anyone around me. I didn’t know many queer girls, and the ones I did had boyfriends or just generally weren’t interested, so that wasn’t something I could explore with them either.

The point of all this is I don’t think I know how to interact with others in a good way, and more and more I choose not to interact and to crawl deeper and deeper into my own fears and frustrations. The problem really is that I don’t know how to get out of it, and further that I’m afraid to try to get out of it because that could mean ruin.

Often, too, if I get close to someone I sabotage it by overanalyzing and becoming anxious about the interactions. I cherish some of the friendships I’ve made online, but they all seem temporary, and I know that’s mostly my fault.

I love Onyx but we are not enough for each other, we both need other friends and lovers to be in our lives. We’ve gone out and met people here, but nowhere near as much as we should have by now. Every time we go somewhere it’s a struggle because I push against it, even though I know that once we go out I will enjoy myself. I can’t seem to help my automatic aversion to the outside world.

It’s ironic, maybe, that the things I want the most–simple interaction, closeness, friends–are maybe the most difficult things for me to allow myself to get.


Pleasurists #18


Toy Reviewing Changes


  1. Beautiful Dreamer

    Well wrote. I’m sorry you haven’t gotten out there more.
    I tend to over analyze, to think over every word I say. I fake confidence to the point I’m cocky sometimes just for a change of pace. Its hard, but it does work from time to time.

    Beautiful Dreamer’s last blog post: We Vibe

  2. “Often, too, if I get close to someone I sabotage it by overanalyzing” You and me both. I’ll make a deal with you, you don’t over analyze what you and I are getting into, and I won’t either!

    As far as meeting people online and having “temporary” friendships, if you feel that it’s worth while, make it last. Don’t (or at least try not to) sabotage it. (easier said than done, I know).

    The narcissist in me would like to think that I was on your mind, to an extent, while you wrote this entry. If that’s true, I’d love for us both to work on our sabotage skills together, and NOT do that to the possibilities that you and I have ahead of us.

  3. May

    “It’s ironic, maybe, that the things I want the most–simple interaction, closeness, friends–are maybe the most difficult things for me to allow myself to get.”

    I am the EXACT same way. It’s kind of maddening.

  4. I think you’re better at the whole communicating-with-new-people thing than you give yourself credit for. I don’t think you come off as disinterested either. I’d lean more towards the shy explanation if you asked me. But then not much about you strikes me as shy. Sometimes you just have to find your groove with a new friend before the conversation flows. Most of the new friends I’ve made in the past couple of years, I’ve met through shared activities. So right off the bat, we have something to talk about. Sometimes the relationship goes past the acquaintance stage, sometimes not. It seems like making friends should be an easy, natural thing but I think it takes a lot of work. I’m often guilty of not putting enough effort into friendships. It’s hard when I have to split my time between my husband, kids, and friends. But friends are so important, they’re certainly worth the effort.

    Coy Pink’s last blog post: HNT – Coy Pink on red

  5. Hey, you, I’m coming up this Saturday to meet you two for the first time, and I’m excited and nervous too.. I want to make a good impression, not come on too strong, etc. I think it’s going to go ok, I’m a pretty easy person to be around.

    It’s gonna be fun to hang out with you two :-)

    kyle’s last blog post: nap time

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