Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.

Tag: style

Many/And Not Either/Or

My gender often comes in waves, cycles, variations; I often have gender swings that can last from a few hours to a few days.

Lately I have had trouble feeling at home in my body, which isn’t exactly a new experience but it is not constant. There is rarely a time that I hate my body as a whole, most of the time I wish I had the opportunity to morph my breasts at will. Not my cunt, just my breasts. I feel I would be perfectly content with the ability to morph from having my own gorgeous breasts to having a flat and possibly hairy chest, or perhaps I would look like Ardhanari most days if I had that choice. Or maybe not. I don’t feel the need for a penis, perhaps because I already have a variety of silicone cocks I call my own.

Currently my masculine presentations are extremely underdeveloped. My masculinities are timid and fragile. Even writing this I can feel them resisting posting this, but I persist.

Sometimes when Onyx is at work and I’m home alone I will put my sports-bra/binder on, pack, and change my hairstyle around. I make myself more masculine or androgynous in appearance than my usual femme drag. Sometimes I put on my suit and tie. Other times I dress up in masculine style clothing and put makeup on.

I say this happens when he is at work because my masculinities are shy and frightened of reactions, positive or negative. My masculinities are not sure how to take a compliment without feeling insecure. Thus I do not show my masculinities to many people or very often, not even Onyx who probably knows me better than anyone. It’s not like the few times I’ve shown off my masculinities in public there have been any negative reactions, in fact quite the opposite.

My gender presentation is only one small part of my gender and it does not define me, but we are taught to judge genders on presentation alone. I think this is often the cause of friends bypassing the fact that I have these masculinities in me. My presentation is very femme-focused at present. While this bypassing is completely understandable it is at the same time hurtful that people who I have conversed with about my genders still seem unable to grasp them.

Despite still embracing femme fagette I am rebelling against the binary assumptions that could be made because of it, it is easy to infer some sort of feminine/masculine balance within it. That may have been part of its original intention, I’m not sure at this point, but it’s not something that I need anymore. I don’t know what I do, though. Perhaps just genderqueer.

I used to say femme drag queen fagette, which just got less and less manageable as my list of identities lengthened and I also began wondering if I was appropriating a term that “belongs” to those assigned male at birth. I’m not sure about the last part, I’m still pondering that, but I don’t want to step on any toes or give the wrong impression. Regardless, though, drag has resonances with me. I am always in drag.

I love drag, in fact. My gender is drag. It’s over the top and fun. My gender is glitter and black leather and gentleman steampunk and corsets and ballet heels. My gender is neutral pronouns and postmodern. My gender is very tangible and also a construction.

I am many/and ((This might make more sense as both/and when combined with either/or but “both” seems to put a limit on what I am trying to express.)) instead of either/or.

I know and participate in gender as a galaxy. A swirling mass of gender planets, solar systems that we all can orbit like moons or pass by as moving asteroids, comets or space ships. Personally, I’m forever exploring every gender I come across to find the ones that feel like home. There are just many that feel like home. I have planets I love to visit from time to time and others I have set up homesteads on, building up my own thoughts, feelings, and presentation of that gender.

I am finally at a space where I am comfortable with owning my gender, but I’m not yet comfortable with sharing it completely. I struggle with the need for my various aspects to be seen and acknowledged while at the same time trying to do things for myself rather than for others.

My gender is constantly in motion even though I sometimes hate the uncertainty that constant change brings and sometimes I wish I could just “pick one and stick to it.” That doesn’t feel like an option right now. I’m not sure if it ever will be.

Body Hair

I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with body hair, I think that’s pretty common.

I’ve had periods of time where I can’t stand any of it, shaving my pits, pubes, and legs once they show even a slight bit of stubble, plucking my eye brows often freakishly goth-thin so that they are barely there (ah, teenagerhood). I’ve shaved my arms as well, though only once and never again since I thought it felt funny when it was growing in. I have tried shaving, waxing, plucking, rubbing, all to see what works best and what feels the best.

Then there have been periods of time where I love it in one form or another, not getting rid of it anywhere, or just shaving one part or another. At one point I was shaving nowhere but my pubic hair, which was kind of amusing. For a long time I shaved everywhere completely, though I’ve played around with different styles “down there” like a “landing strip” or a vee shape (though I haven’t tried using a stencil) and so on.

Recently I’d gotten lax about shaving, it was simply seeming like too much work, so I decided to stop completely. At some point Onyx remarked that this is the hairiest he’s ever seen me, and that’s true. For the majority of our relationship I’ve been pretty dedicated to shaving. One time when I was scratching my head, arm raised, Marla remarked that she thought my tuft of armpit hair was sexy, and I agree.

I suppose a lot of people associate body hair with masculinity, especially considering a “male” hormone is responsible for the growth of it (it is called androgenic hair after all), and growing more comfortable with an “other” gender expression has definitely been a catalyst for my choice to stop shaving. I’m not exactly interested in passing in one gender or another, and a masculine appearance was not my intention in stopping either, it is more about feeling comfortable in my body.

It’s also quite possible that I may change my mind tomorrow or the day after that or the month after that, I may grow tired of having a thick forest underneath my arms or a dark collection of hairs on my legs and take a razor to them. This is just one fluctuating part of that gender equation.

In addition to the rest of my body hair I have been letting the hair on my chin grow as well, instead of plucking it as usual. I have two little tufts to either side of my chin which are excellent for stroking when desiring to appear deep in thought.

One Thing

I’ve spent the majority of yesterday and today re-tagging older posts as well as adding some categories and re-organizing those. It’s been a big task, and I’m not convinced I’m done with it either, but I’m close for the moment. I’ll probably have to go back through them post-by-post to make sure they are as I want them to be. A tedious task, but also one I think is important.

I also went back and added a number of posts from August 07-January 08. Posts which were on my livejournal which are relevant to this blog, and posts which inform our current struggles as we have had struggles similar to this before (though also different). I started this blog in March with the post Owner/cuntpet and all the posts previous are re-posted from LJ, but only relationship or identity-relevant ones, really.

Now, the real reason why I’m posting this… I have so many ideas buzzing around in my head lately it’s often hard for me to sort them out enough to write a coherent post on them. I have been thinking about my goals for this blog a lot lately, as well as not only why I am writing but who I am writing for, and that’s basically anyone who will listen. I’ve realized my goals are not just to express myself but to become involved in a community which I desperately desire to be a part of, and I think I’ve succeeded in that at least a little bit.

What I am asking with this post is if you have anything in particular you would like me to write about, write more of, or anything of the sort. I want to hear from those of you who are reading me. I want to know if I am making any points that are interesting, or if I’m just babbling about my life.

So, tell me what you like or don’t like or what you would like to see more of. Even if it’s just one word or a phrase or anything, let me know in the comments, please.

P.S. I’m working on a few stories I hope to post. It’s been a good while since I’ve put some fantasy smut up here.

Some Structure for the Site

I’ve been thinking a lot about the structure of this blog, the intent, what I’m trying to “say” or do or what affect I’m trying to have, and I can’t answer all of those yet, but I’m working on it. This is more than just a blog for me to write about things going on in my life, because I use my livejournal for that (sort of, I’ve been slacking lately). This is more than just a blog for me to write things about BDSM, because I feel it encompasses more than that. I think that the sub-title really says it all. I do mainly focus on BDSM, but I try to post about each bit in kind.

So, in thinking about what I’m trying to say with this blog, I came to the conclusion that I lack the discipline (no surprise there) of posting as often as I would like. I think that in order to gain this discipline it may help for me to construct a list of days, call them nifty alliterated things and stick to the posting of them. This would also help me on the weekends or days when I have a lot of time which I can devote to the blog but have so much to write about I can’t decide on one thing.

I also added a neat plugin called Post Ideas which can keep track of my list of ideas of things I want to write about, and I can pull from that any time I may need to.

Obviously I wouldn’t be limited to these posts on these days, these are just a jumping-off point, and hopefully will help me focus my ideas and intentions. Also: I may not stick rigidly to these either, but I will try to post more often and something related to the day when possible. I may go completely off track, however, and don’t blame me if I do. These are guidelines, and not necessarily hard and fast rules.

My days:

Semantics Sunday – This would essentially be my definition of a word/phrase each week. Something related to one of the many identities which I explore within this blog (see: sub-title), which basically covers anything sexual, gender, bdsm, and poly/relationship oriented. Could be fun…

Masturbation Monday – A review of a sex toy! This may be in written or audio form (talking about the sexcast here), or possibly both. Most will be new, some may be follow-up information (if needed), some (if in audio) may be slight repeats. (Though there will be one this week that will not be on Monday since Monday already passed and I got my lot of sex toys from VibeReview on Friday!)

Temptress Tuesday – A post exploring the Domina personae or the cunt aspect of my cuntpet personae. The personaes who tempt, are tempting, and tempt others into action for various reasons.

Wicked Wednesday – A free-for-all post, really, about something I feel the need to blog about. Could be anything sexual, another Domina post, a cuntpet post, musings on BDSM in general, or something completely different! Random posts which do not fit into the structure go here, as long as they are somehow “wicked”!

Half-Nekkid Thursday – The well known and beloved way for sex(y) bloggers to expose themselves with more than just words. Many of you read my recent pondering regarding this phenomenon and now you know my answer. A lot of my decision was prompted by Ellie’s response to that post, and some of the ideas she brought up, and also prompted by my desire and need to use my Rebel XT more often. This will be fun…

Fucktoy Friday – A post exploring my cuntpet personae, either the fucktoy or pet aspect most likely, but also anything regarding sex and sexuality. Also a very broad category. Hopefully something salacious!

Saturday – None or free-for-all. Nothing specific, no alliteration, as I don’t tend to post on Saturdays (no bar against it, though, of course).

On a slightly side note (though I was talking about plugins before, so it’s slightly relevant), I also added an @reply plugin for comments, which can add an @Name to comments replying to other commenters. Also, the TwitThis plugin which you should see below this paragraph, which would allow you to tweet this post by clicking on it and logging in. It’s pretty neat (though I don’t wholly expect it to be used much (yet?), but I like it anyway).

Would it be too Sexy?

Something I’ve been pondering for a while is to start participating in Half Naked Thursday. For one thing, I have my face on the blog already, so it’s not like I’m searching for any sort of anonymity. And I am working on becoming more comfortable with and proud of my body, so perhaps this would be a good thing to start exploring. I know that many of the bloggers that I read who participate often mention that the positive feedback has done wonders for their self-esteem.

But, then again, my hesitation comes less from a place of being unsure of showing off my body and more of a place of where my blog comes from. I’ve been thinking about Ellie’s post on sexy bloggers vs. sex bloggers and I’m really not sure which I am. I think I’m a sex blogger, because I don’t really see my writing as sexy, but it’s definitely sex-centered.

This is something I also grapple with every Thursday, really, as midnight is the deadline to apply for the weekly sugasm. I look over the (usually only a few) posts I’ve done in the last week since the last sugasm, and most weeks I don’t seem to have a good post for it. I see sugasm as needing sexy bloggers, not just sex bloggers. I’ve posted sexy posts before, but they’re less frequent. I tend to be highly analytical in my discussion about sex and sexuality, as opposed to just giving it all out. The last few sexy posts I’ve made were hardly graphic.

I know that I am a good blogger (at least, I like to think so), but am I a sexy blogger? I guess I come to what Ellie came to in her post, that I try to be smart, and I do believe that thinking and smarts and analyzing sexuality is sexy. But it’s sexy to a very specific group of people. Is that bad? I don’t think so. But does that mean that everyone who stumbles across my blog will think it’s sexy? I’m not sure, honestly. Though, then again, that kind of sweeping generality isn’t something that I usually like to talk in. I don’t know if anyone could really say that about their blog. Even those who I look up to and admire all fit within a certain niche.

I’m not an eloquent word craftsfemme, my analytical and nitpicky (Virgo) nature doesn’t always lend itself to beauty in it’s verbosity, just verbosity. Even when I do talk explicitly about a sexual encounter it is usually in a very frank and outright nature, not something that elegantly wraps around your mind like silk or leather and demands for you to continue reading because if you stop the beauty would be lost to you. It doesn’t make you burn with the desire to dive into the situation, it’s aloof and candid.

Again I wonder: is this a bad thing? Obviously for me it isn’t, as it wouldn’t be mine if it was any other way. I definitely feel that my eloquence may come with time, and that I may or may not become more eloquent as I grow and change. For the time being, however, I’ll stick to what I know. Hopefully that’s sexy blogging to just the right people, and sex blogging to everyone else.

Back to the original topic of the Half Naked Tuesday. It’s not that I think participation in HNT is mandatory for sex bloggers, of course I don’t! But the issue/question here is whether or not it’s right for me and for this blog. There’s nothing wrong with it, and, in fact, I think it’s fantastic when others participate in it. I love viewing sexy pics of the sexy people that I read on a regular basis. I think it’s fantastic to show that. I’m just not sure if I want that to be part of my blog. Although I would like to participate, I wonder if it’s something that would add to my blog. Or does it even matter?

Would adding HNT pics change my blog from a sex blog to a sexy blog?

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