Purveyor of Pleasure

Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.

Tag: awesomeness

Two Months

Today I did my ninth shot of T, which makes two months that I’ve been adding testosterone to my body intentionally. I have had so many shifts and feelings about it since I started (since well before I started, really), and I’m endlessly glad I am doing this. It is showing me a lot, more than I can even hope to articulate. It still feels right and I still want it, though I’ve definitely had my struggles so far along the way (which I’m told is usual in this process, but I think often we just hear the positive side of transition because it’s an easier narrative to give and it’s way more vulnerable to show uncertainty with something so often misunderstood).

I am also so grateful for the support I have in exploring this and making this shift, this transition. Everyone I have talked to about it has been understanding and interested in a way that hasn’t felt objectifying, and the comments on my first post about it were so lovely they still occasionally bring me to tears. Onyx​ has been amazing on every level throughout this whole process, and living with someone going through similar experiences has been so useful.

It’s been interesting to experience my conceptual and embodied experiences of my non-binaryness, femmeness, and genderqueerness in this new context, the context of taking T. These aspects of myself have been central to my identity and embodied experience of the world for a good decade now, but I find my relationship with them is shifting as well as I go through this new experience. I am more confident and comfortable with them as I engage in what is often thought to be only for binary masculine people. I’ve been eating up as much media from other femme, non-binary, and/or genderqueer trans guys, which has definitely been helping, and I know that I am not alone in the way I feel and experience my gender and the world, but it’s also a struggle to be so outside of the norm.

I have had to challenge a lot of the narratives I (and others) have about testosterone and what it means to be taking it while also occasionally succumbing to or fighting off the urge to look and present more masculine to make it easier for others to see me and understand me and for myself to really embrace this transness of mine. I have had to define and redefine what it means for me to take testosterone, and I’m still not completely sure what it means, but I do know I want it. I like how it feels and who I am when I’m taking it and I like what it is doing for me, even if I’m unsure sometimes. It’s this body-based knowing and sense that I am doing the right thing that keeps me sane a lot of the time through this process.

I struggle with using the words “man” or “male” as I don’t feel those are accurate for me, though they also feel so much better than “woman” or “female” ever felt. Therefore also “he” feels way better than “she,” and this has been true for a while, but “they” is still where I live. Guy feels good, in an almost gender-neutral sort of way, but genderqueer is still where I live. As I’m feeling more comfortable, though, too, I am caring less what others refer to me as, and that has been one of the best gifts of this so far.

I’m slowly discovering this thing that I’ve kind of known for a while, but that I haven’t really had the experience of: that I can actually be me. I can actually be me the way I want to be and be seen. I can be a non-binary femme trans genderqueer (guy) and I can also be comfortable with people not really getting it and misgendering me (to a point, of course, and it still stings sometimes more than others), but because I’m actually doing the things I need to be doing for myself I’m much more comfortable. I’m more comfortable in myself, and that’s what’s most important.

Day of Awesome

You may or may not know that my sleep schedule is pretty much the opposite of what is considered “usual.” Onyx works nights now Sunday through Wednesday1 and doesn’t get home until any time between 6:30am and 9am depending on if he stays late for meetings or whatnot. Usually he gets home around seven. This means that I am usually up until around seven or eight. Even on his days off, unless we have a reason not to, we’re usually up until at least six.

I mention this because today we awoke around 1pm to the sound of our apartment buzzer and now that you know our wacky sleep schedule you’ll understand why waking at 1pm was early for us. I do not jive on five hours of sleep. Usually our buzzer going off in the middle of the day means only one thing: a package has arrived for us. I immediately thought I knew what it was. Or at least I hoped. I used to get new items to review far more frequently than I do now because I’m working on clearing out my backlog of items, but the only thing that I was still waiting to come to me was a Liberator Heart Wedge.

You may or may not remember the Heart Wedge from the contest I held last month2 but I’ve been lusting after it since it first came out and now I have one of my very own! I’ll be reviewing it soon on Wanton Lotus.

Liberator Heart Wedge
Doesn’t it look great with the throw pillows on our couch?

As I was waiting for Onyx to return with the box my phone buzzed. In my still half-asleep state I looked at a text for a direct message on twitter. It was from KinkAcademy asking if I had received the email about me being accepted as a student blogger3 as they were waiting to know if I accepted before announcing the new semester of students. I quickly responded an enthusiastic affirmative and bounced up and down with glee.

In case you didn’t read my application post for the KA student blogger position I will reiterate the awesomeness of Kink Academy and what I’ll be doing for them. KA provides instructional videos on all sorts of kinky topics from basic to advanced. As a student blogger I get three months to poke around the KA videos and will be writing at least one post a week from February 1st to May 1st about my reaction to a video or series of videos and my experiences implementing the techniques I learned. Awesome, no? So keep a look out for those frequent posts! You can also learn more about Kink Academy on KinkAcademyInfo.com and watch some of their free videos.

After opening the box to find the wonderful present4 inside and regaling Onyx with the exciting news and my over-the-top excitement we attempted to go back to sleep and successfully woke up a few hours later much better rested.

I was still excited when I woke up and I can say that with the day starting on such an awesome note it has yet to go down. I have not had the Heart Wedge out of my immediate vicinity yet today, as is my tendency with new items I get, and I’ve already begun watching videos on Kink Academy while working on Pleasurists so I can begin to figure out which topics I’ll want to write about and explore offline with Onyx. I’m positively bursting with excitement.

  1. The most awesome schedule ever. He chose it himself. []
  2. I probably should have posted about it on here []
  3. Yay! Yay! A thousand times yay! []
  4. Not really a present as I have to earn it, but you know what I mean []

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