Year: 2009 Page 8 of 18

I heart Sexy Bloggers

On May 2, 2009

The wonderful luna from BDSM is Love has given me a Sexy Blogger Award (award image below) and had this to say about me:

She makes me proud to be a woman of size. Her thoughts and passions have me transfixed.

I can’t explain how happy reading just that little blurb made me, especially the first sentence. I was both touched and flattered by her sentiment.

Her reasoning behind choosing me is definitely worth more to me than the “award” given in the meme. I’m not huge on awards in general, but I think they can be fun and a great way to give kudos to others and generally highlight others and bring more attention to them, which is great. This meme seems to be going around the blog circles I fit in, and it’s always wonderful to be included.

According to luna there are two rules to receiving this:
“You are to list 5 sexy things about yourself and pass it on to 4 other people.”

I’m not going to deny the opportunity to pass on some nice sentiment to others, and it’s always fun to receive something like this from someone unexpected so here we go. I’m having a very difficult time with the five sexy things, I’m really not that into bragging about myself and that’s what this feels like, but, here we go…

Five sexy things

Despite the fact that society tells me I shouldn’t be sexy as a woman of considerable girth, I don’t let that stop me from expressing and enjoying my sexuality. This is what made me so elated when part of luna’s reason for choosing me for this was because: “She makes me proud to be a woman of size.” I’ll admit it’s not always easy to be sexually confident in general let alone when society says that you’re not supposed to for various reasons (not just limited to large women, of course), and to know that I make someone, anyone, feel a little better about themselves is incredible.
I’m open and honest about who I am for the most part. Despite the amount I spill my soul on here I am somewhat guarded about sharing deep feelings or ideas I have to others I don’t know very well, however, I don’t let that guardedness keep me from being as authentically me as I possibly can: a sexual deviant who is open about and comfortable with what she does, and doesn’t try to pretend to be something or someone else. I think that’s sexy, anyway.
While body mods are all the rage these days I really do think that my eight tattoos and thirty-some-odd piercings really do enhance my body, not only by calling attention to some of the sexiest parts of myself but also because the tattoos and piercings themselves are sexy (or so I like to think). I put a lot of thought and detail to every one of them, and think they also show my comfortability with my body which is also sexy.
My brain is the sexiest part of me, or so it likes to think (har har). I may overanalyze most times, but I also think that people are more attracted to my intellect than anything else about me (not to say people aren’t attracted to other parts of me too, but I think the brain is the best part of the package).
My partners: they are both so sexy that I must be sexy too, right? They inspire me and encourage me to be confident in my sexuality, and they fill my heart with such joy it radiates from me which I think is sexy.

My four sexy bloggers

There are SO many sexy bloggers out there it’s not even right to only choose four, but the ones below are the first ones that popped into my head, and a few of the other ones I’d choose have already been awarded this from others. If I had my way I would give one to everyone in the “friends & lovers” section of my links, and probably others that I’ve forgotten to include there as well. The problem with picking just four is there are so many other people left out, but, I’m sticking to the rules of the meme, otherwise it would take me forever to list everyone!

Gabe and Elizabeth – They blog over on Pornocracy and put an extremely sexy video out recently. I feel that may of our values and ideas are very similar, which endears me to them automatically, and in addition to that they are highly sexy individuals and overwhelmingly sexy as a pair!
Not sure if I should count them as one or two, but since it’s a sexy blogger award vs. sexy blog award I think they count as two.

Amber – of Divergent Dance. Another person I feel I have similar ideas with, she is a tomboy femme among other similarities, and I have come to think of her friendship quite fondly. I think she and her writing are both super sexy and am always excited when she has a new post for me to read to get another slice of her life, gender, love, or sexuality.

Marla – Last but certainly not least there’s no way I could leave my long-distance love out of this, for she is incredibly sexy and blogs over at Confessions of Promiscuity. There is no question that I find her extremely sexy, she fits in with Onyx and I so perfectly and just everything about her makes me want to ravage her and make her come over and over until she begs for me to stop… but I digress. She just posted her first piece of erotica inspired by yours truly, so you can read how amazingly sexy she and her ideas are!

Emotional Roller Coasters

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On May 1, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Polyamory

There have been so many things happening in the last week that I don’t really know where to start, but let’s see…

I’ll start with pointing you to the last few posts I did on this subject. Overflow about a week ago Thursday when I was overcome with emotion and broke down, unable to really talk about what was going on, but analyzed it afterward. This occurrence and post kind of kick-started the last week of communication and growth between Marla, Onyx, and myself. It has been both incredibly difficult and amazingly wonderful, often at the same time.

The next day (Friday) I wrote On the Transition from Mono to Poly to Triad further exploring my fears, insecurities, and worries while also expressing my excitement. On Sunday I wrote Scared

In between and since all of these posts we’ve all talked, many a time. Marla wrote about the last few days today in a post titled Emotional Hangover which is wonderful and a much shorter recounting of the happenings than I will probably give, just because I can’t stop myself, so if you don’t want to read all my babble you can go over and read her post to get a good impression of the happenings. Or you can go read her post to get her perspective on things too.

There has been so much going on since Sunday, or really since last Thursday, that I don’t think I can go into too much detail because there has just been way too much. We all have insecurities, some of them very similar and some of them vastly different, but they are there nonetheless. The good part is that we have all grown so much more comfortable with each other in the last week especially so we are really able to say things when something happens that upsets us rather than bottling it up. None of us are really able to say something right away, but usually soon after.

Anytime anyone has something that hurt them or that they are insecure about, fearful of, worried about, etc. we all try to talk together about whatever is going on and emphasize that these feelings are not bad to have or to feel. One thing we all struggle with is getting away from the tendency to bottle everything up or say “this is just my issue they don’t need to know,” though I feel like all of us are much more open and able to allow ourselves to express these things to the others due to the experiences in the last few weeks.

I feel like the three of us have gotten better at communication in general over the last week, and we’ve all gotten so much more comfortable expressing things to each other, both of which are vital for our triad to move forward in any real way. It’s so amazingly exciting, and we’ve gotten to a place of joy and love which has it’s ups and downs but the ups make the downs far worth it.

We all have a tendency to wait for the other shoe to drop, expect something bad to happen, overanalyze, and worry. Of course, we’re human with emotions and are capable of vast emotional switches, but it seems like every day for the last week has just been endless really high highs and really low lows, which has both brought us closer and taken a bit of a toll. Luckily the toll isn’t that bad, just annoying usually emotional hangovers.

We’ve each at some point freaked out over something or another, all valid emotional complaints, but all things we have been able to talk about and work through together, which has been amazing.

I’m still not completely secure in Onyx and Marla relating sexually, but the more Marla and I get comfortable being sexual the more I will be okay with that, I think. Marla and my sexual relationship has moved forward in the past week, as well, we have talked about or worries with the other and become more sexual. On the flip side, Onyx and Marla have gotten much more emotionally connected in the last week and they have progressed greatly there.

Even though I’m getting more comfortable with their sexual relationship I’m still extremely insecure about their relating on a D/s level which I find interesting. Onyx brought something up last night that made it make more sense, basically that he has less to be threatened about in some ways due to the gender of our relationship as well as the power within it.

By definition my relationship with her is going to be different, though there will be many similarities because she and I are both female our relationship will be rather different than my relationship with onyx. I also will probably primarily be topping her, and I’m primarily submissive with Onyx, so that is quite different as well.

However, their relationship is going to be more similar to his and mine than I have really prepared myself for, not only because it is a male/female relationship like mine and Onyx’s but also because primarily he will be the Top and she the bottom, as he doesn’t really switch all that much though occasionally.

I just see that as being a little too close for comfort sometimes, especially since I am rather insecure about my abilities as a submissive/bottom. I assume that she will be better than I at this, and I assume that he will have an easier time topping her because he has often had a difficult time topping me. I think I will be very envious of this once they start getting even more sexual and start exploring bdsm and power with one another.

In addition, Onyx and I have been talking about me having another partner for quite some time. It started with Kat and we’ve been talking about it ever since, so he’s had a year to prepare sharing me with someone else. He and I have never before explored me sharing him with another person, so I was not prepared for it at all and not used to the idea at all either. It’s been a real shock, actually, how much I’ve not been prepared for it.

I know this will continue to be an issue for me, but it’s one that they are both aware of and we are all working to understand and help me feel better about. This does not mean they are going to not be sexual, but it does mean they will understand if I get upset and need to talk about something. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not extremely happy that they are getting closer both sexually and emotionally, because I really am.

One of the biggest problems we have now that we’ve worked through so much stuff over the last week, is that Marla is so far away and we are all unable to physically be together. She and I are planning on meeting May 10th in Washington D.C., though that’s still a little up in the air if it will actually happen we’re planning that it will because it almost has to at this point. Then we are planning on bringing her up here to Seattle at the end of June for all three of us to be together.

The situation we have now is really not fair to her at all. Onyx and I are able to physically be together, be sexual without her, and she has felt very left out of that. We all talked last night about this, and tried to emphasize that she is welcome and invited, but even the idea of being on the phone while we are fucking was a little too much for her. I suggested some alternate methods of communication and inclusion, but we are still working on what might be best. I think once we meet it will be easier and more difficult for her.

Anyone want to move her up here now so that we can all be together? Pretty please?

And, here are some of the songs I’ve been listening to quite a lot lately. Perfect Fingers is not actually by Ani it’s by Tami Greer. The Landon Pigg song is one that Marla introduced me to. The other songs are just wonderful sappy love songs.

Last Friday

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 30, 2009

In Identity: Top, Introspection, Sex Blogging, Smut

So many things have been happening in the last week, and I don’t think I will have the time to write about them all individually even though I want to. Since I’ve been bogging you down with worrysome and insecure poly-related posts I’m going to start with an experience outside of the triad: last Friday, when Kyle and Coy Pink came to visit (though this is mostly about Kyle).

Back at the beginning of March Kyle drove up not too far to Seattle to meet us for the first time. He wrote about it here, I failed to write about it even though I had the intention to. I don’t remember why I didn’t write about it, I think I may have been experiencing mad writers block at the time or something, who knows, though his re-counting of the evening is pretty flawless so you should go over and read that first.

Then, Kyle decided to head up here last Friday. When we got together in March CoyPink was unable to make it as she had prior plans and I, like a dolt, had forgotten to ask her to come until a few hours before Kyle was supposed to show up. I’m good like that. Anyway, this time CoyPink was able to come, though not until a little after Kyle was going to arrive. No big deal, we were excited she could join us, though she ended up missing most of the night’s excitement! Not that what happened after she arrived wasn’t exciting, but there was no beating involved… but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Kyle has written about this visit as well, with far more detail to leading up to occurrences than I will probably give, so you should go over and read his post on last Friday, it’s pretty long, but I’ll be here when you get back. Go on. I’ll wait. Honest.

Did you read it? No? What are you waiting for? Seriously.

Well, if you read it you read it, if not you’re missing out. Anyway. Roxy (who, for those of you who don’t know is Kyle’s long-distance love) contacted me on twitter before he arrived and asked if I would be willing to give his package a squeeze and tell him it was from her. I responded that I would not mind doing so in the least, while trying to appear willing but not overly eager. Kyle is a great guy, but I don’t know him that well, so I was a little awkward and kept trying to think of ways to do it in a somewhat subtle manner, of course Roxy didn’t need it to be subtle.

She also informed me that he may be instructed to kneel at our door when first arriving, but didn’t know how evil she was going to be yet. I knew from that it would be a very interesting evening, but I figured Kyle would have to do a few somewhat embarrassing things at her request to begin with, and then we would all just do our thing. I didn’t expect any play or really anything to go beyond a few simple instructions to get a little redness in his cheeks. I was a little wrong.

Kyle ended up arriving late. He let me know he was going to be late beforehand, and I wasn’t surprised (from his tweets I thought he left later than ideal to be right on time, not to mention parking around our apartment is a bitch), though Roxy decided to use that as a reason for his first instruction. He was to ask to kiss our feet to make up for the offense of being late.

I wouldn’t deny him his ability to perform for his Love, so I offered him my bare feet to kiss, and took a couple pictures while he was doing so for him to send to Roxy. He did the same for Onyx, though he donned his boots for Kyle to kiss. When Kyle was done I walked over, slipped my arm around him, and squeezed his packy through his jeans informing him that he wasn’t the only one who Roxy had requested something from and that the squeeze was from Roxy. He seemed a little flustered, which was lovely, and I thought that would be the end of that.

I was putting the last touches on dinner and we all were chatting when she included further instruction, for him to ask us how to further make up being late. Onyx was far more comfortable requesting things at this point than I, as I could put myself more easily in Kyle’s shoes and was trying to figure out the balance between good embarrassing this very new friend of ours and what might be crossing the line. I overanalyze, we all know this by now.

Kyle offered to help serve dinner, Onyx agreed, and so Kyle went about fixing a plate for him and presenting it to him, which Onyx made him do over again with enthusiasm and excitement. I felt badly, as I’ve had to do the same in the past and it’s always really annoying.

We ate, and chatted, and again I thought that was going to be the end of it. Both Onyx and I had remarked to Roxy that Kyle was being very good and fulfilling his duties. I admit I was a bit hesitant, and still am, about commenting too much/too little and I think I ended up on the too little side. In addition to all this, I was also texting with Marla and I knew she was feeling excluded and alone, so I was trying to manage everything all at once which ended up in me being a little more distant perhaps in everything than I meant.

We were having seconds when the next instruction came, “please do offer your ass and beg for a spanking.” I was somewhat surprised, as was Kyle I think, though apparently Onyx wasn’t. Onyx informed Roxy of Kyle’s reaction to the instruction: groaning and tossing his phone on the floor!

Onyx decided that since I rarely get to get out my beating desires, as he is not into pain or me beating him at all, I should be the one to fulfill this instruction. I decided to finish my seconds and send a text to Marla regarding what was going to happen (which I found out later didn’t send) and so Kyle was instructed to kneel on the floor until he was needed.

I was thinking about the best way to do everything, and decided getting out my Liberator Ramp would be a great idea to position Kyle on. It pretty much doesn’t enable the bottom to drop their ass, and means I can get at all the good spots all the time, so I figured it would be a good idea. Onyx got the ramp, Kyle got positioned, and I pulled out most of my impact play toys.

From Kyle’s post: “At first it was kind of weird, I mean, we’ve only hung out once before and now my ass was in the air waiting to be beat. But Scarlet is very good and we got into our rhythm pretty quickly.” I agree, it was a little strange, but once we got into it I think we both had a really good time, as evidenced by the pictures that we took and the happy post-beating stupor that Kyle ended up being in. Kyle and Roxy have praised me multiple times on my beating technique, apparently Kyle has raved about it to her and promised to show it to her when next they meet, so I must not be too bad, right!?

I used just about all of my impact play toys, with the exception of the rose crop and the black rubber whip, you can see the implements below:

From L to R: Black Suede Flogger, Black Rubber Whip, Rose Crop, Cheetah Fur-Lined Paddle, Rabbit Fur and Leather Flogger, Bark and Bite Paddle, Small Red Acrylic Cane, Large Red Acrylic Cane, Wide-Tipped Riding Bat.

There are a lot of great pictures of the beating, but I think this one is my favorite of the ones Kyle posted:

I had a lot of fun, and I know Kyle, Roxy, and Onyx did too. It was a great experience that I’ll also be happy to repeat should the opportunity present itself. I didn’t really see it as sexual, but I put play with friends in a separate category than play with lovers, and separate out the sex from bdsm, because they’re not completely entwined just mostly. I do feel like I’ve seemed distant with both Kyle and Roxy when they’ve tried to engage me and I blame it on my general social awkwardness rather than anything else.

Not long after the beating was over CoyPink arrived with brownies. We all settled down, chatted for a while about various things including me whipping out a bunch of my sex toys because I do quite love talking about them and I really don’t get that much opportunity too, hopefully it didn’t seem like I was bragging or showing off too much, haha.

After not too long we all headed out to the bars, we went to one which was just too loud and a little too crowded. We decided it would be best to go to one where we could actually hear each other and engage in conversation. We all talked about our relationships and poly and all sorts of other things, and we all drank and generally had a great time.

Kyle and CoyPink are rapidly becoming good friends, especially CoyPink who I have been able to see more often (as makes sense, more time together = more familiarity/comfortability/etc.). We should be seeing them both again this Saturday, too, for the Seattle Erotic Art Festival, though I doubt any beatings will occur this time.

For Marla (HNT)

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 30, 2009

In Introspection

My long-distance love requested some pictures of me yesterday, and I was more than happy to oblige. Specifically she said: “You should send me pictures of yer booty!” So once Onyx got home from work I got together an outfit, and it was Onyx’s idea to take the pictures with me leaning over the ledge of our (teeny tiny) balcony. It was rush hour-ish so there were cars going by while we took them, though you can’t really tell.

I also promised her pictures of my seven “down there” piercings… but that’s not something I would post up on this blog.

Detroit Annie, Hitchhiking

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 27, 2009

In Introspection

I’ve posted this poem before, about a year and a half ago but I’ve recently re-discovered my love for it and also found I could share the audio version with you all. I was first introduced to it on Ani DiFranco’s live album at Carnegie Hall and fell in love with it immediately.

The image above is a wall hanging my sister made for me with the poem on it (obviously) but it’s also below as well as Ani DiFranco reading it.

I’m not entirely sure what it is about the poem that hits me, maybe it’s how I imagine myself to be or how I used to be… I’m not much for analyzing poetry even though I’m one for analyzing myself.

I’ve used the first line “Her words pour out as if her throat were a broken artery and her mind were cut-glass, carelessly handled” for quite some time on my livejournal and I’ve been thinking of incorporating it here somewhere as well, I love the imagery and it’s definitely how I think of my posts sometimes.

Ani talks a bit before getting into the poem, but this player doesn’t allow you to skip forward so you’ll have to listen to it to get to the poem, but I promise it’s worth it.

by Judy Grahn

Her words pour out as if her throat were a broken
artery and her mind were cut-glass, carelessly handled.
You imagine her in a huge velvet hat with great
dangling black feathers,
but she shaves her head instead
and goes for three-day midnight walks.
Sometimes she goes down to the dock and dances
off the end of it, simply to prove her belief
that people who cannot walk on water
are phonies, or dead.
When she is cruel, she is very, very cool
and when she is kind she is lavish.
Fisherman think perhaps she’s a fish, but they’re all
fools. She figured out that the only way
to keep from being frozen was to
stay in motion, and long ago converted
most of her flesh into liquid. Now when she
smells danger, she spills herself all over,
like gasoline, and lights it.
She leaves the taste of salt and iron
under your tongue, but you dont mind
The common woman is as common
as the reddest wine.

Pleasurists #26

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 27, 2009

In Link Carnivals

From art-or-pornvia img-2006-10.photosight.ru

Pleasurists #26 marks six months of Pleasurists weekly round-ups!

Pleasurists is a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #25? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #27? Submit it here before Sunday April 26th at 11:59pm PST. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

My First Sex Toy Contest! Deadline: 11:59 PM CST May 1st.
Champagne Giveaway: Lesbian Hospital 2 from Girlfriends Films Deadline: May 1st.
Give Me Fever Contest Deadline: May 30th at 11:59pm Pacific Time.
Do You Have an Erotic Adventure to Share? Deadline: May 31st, 2009.
Ginger Leigh’s Fabulous Shopping Spree! Deadline: Friday, June 5, 2009

Madame Editrix
Scarlet Lotus St.Syr

On to the reviews…

Editor’s Pick

An Open Letter to my Fleshlight: Ice Butt Fleshlight by Jake Holden

Since I’ve got to know you so deeply I’ve come (literally) to see past (literally) your slightly gimmicky clear case, and I’ve seen the real you; the so open, so accepting, and so soft moulded gel insert whose embrace I could never grow tired of – especially when it’s been submerged in hot tap water and coated with my favourite lube.

Editor’s Note: Though technically this review went up quite some time ago, but it was submitted with a note recognizing that and asking for it to be included anyway. I’m not super strict on the posting rules as long as people aren’t giving me twenty reviews from the last few months to put in the issue, but I digress. I thought The review was so well done and quite unique so I not only had to include it but I had to highlight it for you all to read as well!

Reviews: Bar, X, Beyond, Heart

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 26, 2009

In Sex Toy Love

My reviewing structure, as outlined in this post is that I post full reviews on my review site Wanton Lotus (RSS) and teaser reviews once a week here. I posting reviews on Wanton Lotus Tues-Weds-Thurs or some combination thereof depending on the amount of reviews I have each week. Here is the round-up of my reviews for the week!

Kinklab Adjustable Spreader Bar Review Teaser

Name: Adjustable Spreader Bar

Manufacturer: Kinklab

Material: Steel

Length: Eight options between 25 and 37 inches (adjustable)

Rating: 4 Lotus’ (out of 5) – Very Good & Highly Recommended

Read and watch the rest of my Kinklab Adjustable Spreader Bar review here!

X: The Erotic Treasury Review Teaser

Title: X: The Erotic Treasury

Editor: Susie Bright

Publisher: Chronicle Books

Published: September 1, 2008 (Hardcover First Edition)

Page Count: 367

Story Count: 40

Rating: 4 Lotus’ (out of 5) – Very Good & Highly Recommended

Read the rest of my review of X: The Erotic Treasury here!

Ophoria Beyond No. 3 Review Teaser

Name: Beyond No. 3

Manufacturer: Ophoria

Material: 100% Medical-grade Premium Japanese Silicone

Length: 9 inches
Width: 1 3/4 inches (at thickest point), 1 1/4 inches (shaft)
Girth: 5 1/2 inches (at thickest point), 4 1/2 inches (shaft)

Rating: 5 Lotus’ (out of 5) – Exceptional & A Must Have

Read and watch the rest of my Ophoria Beyond No. 3 review here!

Sportsheets Heart Impressions Crop Review Teaser

Name: Heart Impressions Crop
crop
Manufacturer: Sportsheets

Material: Leather and (possibly) nylon for the red color between the crop loop

Length: 16.5 inches (without leather loop handle) 24.5 inches (including leather handle)
Width: 2 inches (striking tip) 1.5 inch (heart)

Sensation: Stingy – 1 (out of 3)

Rating: 3 Lotus’ (out of 5) – Good & Recommended

Read the rest of my Sportsheets Heart Impressions Crop here!

Scared

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 26, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Polyamory

What do I have to be scared of? What am I so nervous about things? What is it that triggers these feelings of worry and doubt in me? Why can’t I figure that out?

We all talked today, reassuring the others that our abandonment fears will not come to pass, as best we can for being sensible people who don’t believe in “forever.”

First Onyx and I talked, got to the root of some of the issues, and then we talked with Marla via phone while I cut his hair giving her a bit of a re-cap of our talk while also allowing Marla and Onyx to talk about where they are with each other. I encouraged the talk to be between the two of them, and I think they got more out of it than I did in some ways. Maybe I’m blocking myself from feeling good about this?

I’m not sure what it was, but something cut into me, and now I have a pain in my chest and a lump in my throat telling me something isn’t right. If I knew what triggered this I would talk with them about it, but I can’t pinpoint what it was that has made me so uneasy.

The thought has crossed my mind that it may be much simpler if we weren’t trying to be a triad, if they were separate loves of mine and I didn’t have to deal with them interacting with each other. I wouldn’t mind sharing them with abstract others, even others that I know personally, but I wouldn’t have to witness or participate in their interaction and I would feel better about it.

I think this, but I don’t think it’s true. I also don’t want to deny them the opportunity to be with one another, since they are both so wonderful and I know the three of us will fit so nicely if I can get over this damned insecurity gnawing away at me.

I want to participate in their relationship, I want to experience it and be a part of it, and I want these two people I love quite deeply to find and experience that same deep emotion for each other, but at the same time I’m scared. I just need my automatic emotions to catch up with my brain and my heart.

In my brain and heart I want this triad to work, I want them to grow closer and I want the three of us to find how we work together, but there are moments like these where the fear grips me and I worry about all those little things that could go wrong.

I’m not sure what it was that set me off today, which is the most irritating part. I was happy and loving the way that things were going, but we all got on the phone together and something fell apart in me and made this pain in my chest that won’t go away. I want to talk about this, but I don’t know how to talk about it with Onyx or Marla because I don’t know what the cause of it is yet. Hopefully I’ll figure it out, possibly in the shower.

I’m writing this while I should be showering, and during which I got a most amazing, sexy, and delicious text message from Marla. I feel bad because I don’t think I appreciated the message as much as I would have without this pain, but that doesn’t mean I won’t save it for another time when I do.

Maybe I’ll use the images presented in the message to get myself off in the shower, making myself feel better and distracting myself from the pain so that I can come back to it and overanalyze it with a clear head. I think that might just be the perfect thing to do.

Tendency to Tease

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 24, 2009

In a Love: Onyx, Smut

From art-or-porn via img2.voissa.com

I’ve always enjoyed teasing, in many ways it’s a display of power. The ability to work someone up over something, get them desiring whatever it is I’m offering, and then taking it away, usually with the intention of offering it again. That push-and-pull, back-and-forth testing of how far you can go before tipping the other person over the edge is simply delicious.

It’s all about manipulation, but with me it’s manipulation with the end goal of pleasure for both parties instead of anything else negative. Sometimes it’s just gentle coaxing, but the other night I definitely had a distinct goal in mind.

I hadn’t really teased Onyx in quite some time, and I’m not sure what came over me. We were lying in bed and I wanted him to fuck me. I started stroking him, teasing him slightly, and he told me he was tired and that if I wanted to be fucked I would have to get on top. While I’m not opposed to riding him by any means, that wasn’t what I wanted at that moment, I wanted to be taken.

I pouted, protested, and continued stroking for a bit before stopping. I gave a heavy faux-sigh and said that was fine, we just wouldn’t play at all. I had made sure that he was already hard at this point, in the state where he needed me to continue almost as much as he needed to sleep. He acquiesced, we lay there a few minutes more, and then I began stroking him again.

He groaned and arched into my fingers, his cock swelling even harder beneath my knowledgeable fingers. I stopped stroking and played my fingertips along the underside of his cock, pressing against the area right under the head where it meets the shaft. Then I stopped all together.

His hand reached for his cock but I batted it away, stopping him from stroking himself now that he was hard and aching for more. I tsk’d and told him that he was tired and needed to sleep. His other arm was beneath me as I had been cuddled up against him when we started. I effectively kept him from touching himself while I used my other hand to tease his tender flesh.

My movements were quick and deliberate, making sure to bring him up to a fevered pitch before stopping and letting him stay there, squirming and needy, but unable to do anything about it. I juxtaposed those movements with slow soft caresses which drove him mad, just lightly touching his hard throbbing flesh, sliding my fingers across sensitive skin. He fought me, but not too hard. He can easily overpower me when he chooses, but he was loving the exquisite anguish I was producing as much as I was.

We continued like this for quite some time, until the teasing was too much to bear and he growled, slipping from my grasp, grabbing me and moving behind me. He slid into me easily as I had grown wet through my own teasing of both of us. From behind he grabbed my hair as he savagely thrust into my needy cunt, giving me exactly what I had been desiring.

He fucked me hard, quickly, and it wasn’t long before he was coming inside of me, both of us grunting and growling our pleasure into the otherwise silent room. We stayed like that, locked together with me on my knees, both breathing heavily as I focused on the muscles of my cunt, squeezing around his softening cock as we both slowly thrust to keep ourselves connected.

He slipped out of me and settled down next to me, both of us happily fucked and contented for the most part. His hand found my now very wet opening and began to thrust, touching me just the right way as my fingers moved to caress my clit.

On the Transition from Mono to Poly to Triad

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On April 24, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Polyamory

Onyx and I have been talking heavily the last few days and weeks regarding the things that are coming up in regard to our shifting from essentially a monogamous relationship to a polyamorous relationship and then into the triad we are trying to develop. Despite calling ourselves polyamorous since the beginning of our relationship Marla is the first person we’ve actually opened up our relationship to in a serious way.

While we flirted with the idea of being with Kat and glen last year, mostly that was in an N-style relationship with everyone else as close friends but only relationships between some of us not all of us. Kat and I began exploring a possible relationship in addition to my relationship with Onyx and her relationship with glen. Perhaps eventually we would have evolved into a square or some other configuration, but we didn’t get past initial exploring.

Opening up our relationship has brought some issues between Onyx and myself to light, ones that need to be fixed before we can really move forward. For one, we really haven’t been paying a lot of attention to our relationship, a lot of the reason for that is because we really have not had any time apart for a very long time. We had over two months together when we moved and before he got a job when we were essentially with each other constantly.

In some ways we have come to take our relationship for granted. We are so used to the other one being around it’s difficult not to. Because we lack a sufficient amount of furniture we also have essentially been living in a studio apartment, because we have not been utilizing the bedroom for anything other than storage space. This needs to change, and we realize that.

For another, Onyx is much more comfortable with me being with someone else than I am with him being with someone else. This is something I need to work on. It’s not that I don’t want him to be with someone else, part of it is he’s never really expressed interest in someone else before so it’s a new experience for me. Of course, part of me wants to keep him all to myself, but only a small part of me, the rest of me wants him to be happy and have the same opportunities I do.

Because we are working on bringing Marla in we have begun communicating more often and more effectively, I believe. We are forced to because now we have another person involved and in some ways that’s more pressure on the both of us to make everything right. It’s both helped and hurt our relationship in many ways, which is normal for the monogamous to non-monogamous transition process.

Marla and I have been exploring our relationship quite heavily, and have moved into solid relationship territory as far as I’m concerned. We know each other quite well now, and our attraction and desire for each other continues to grow, even if I’m unable to express it sometimes. The next step is for us to meet, and we’re pretty sure that’s going to happen at the beginning of May while I’m in D.C. for Sex 2.0.

The problem for me comes in when Marla and Onyx try to get closer. Moving now from the polyamorous Vee relationship we have been nurturing into the triad we all desire. The problem stems from my own insecurity, and I really don’t like it at all. In many ways I am threatened by the idea of the two of them getting closer, even though part of me wants them to get closer and wants us to become a triad like we have all been talking about.

I had a dream a while back that the three of us were starting to fool around together and they up and left me, went to another room and locked the door so that they could play by themselves without me. This hurt. A lot. I woke up sobbing. It was not a good time. Essentially, it all comes back to my rejection phobia. It’s ridiculous, because I know they both love me and they are coming together in many ways because of me, but I’m not confident enough that I believe that they won’t stop being interested in me.

Logically I know this is silly, because I know that, like I said, in many ways I am the reason why they are coming together, but the fear is still there. I am working on acknowledging it, understanding it, and working with it to the point that it won’t be an issue, but I fear that the fear will always be there, lurking at the back of my mind.

The fear also makes me feel selfish, because I have no problem with me having multiple partners, but when my partners show interest in each other my insecurities flare up and I’m unable to fully feel the compersion that part of me feels. I am both elated and scared at the possibility of the two of them together.

On the one hand I really encourage their relationship. I’ve been trying to incorporate Onyx into the nightly phone calls that Marla and I have, I’ve been trying to encourage the two of them to explore and interact more so that they can get to know each other better, I’ve been trying to be the biggest supporter for their relationship. Then, when I see them interacting I close up, I send mixed signals, even though part of me wants them to work another part of me is worried that it will work too well.

This all mostly stems from sexual insecurity. It feels strange for me, as someone who embraces sexual expression and sexuality, to feel insecure about my sexuality. I have worked hard on being confident sexually, and I feel that I am in many ways but I’m not in others. Specifically, I haven’t been with a woman for years, and I’m worried that I’m not going to be any good. It’s a silly and baseless fear, but it’s one I have nonetheless.

My inability to be sexual with Marla compounds the issue. I want her, I fantasize about her, I imagine all sorts of wonderful things that we will eventually be able to do, but I have an extremely difficult time flirting with her or expressing my sexual interest in her at all. I’m not sure where this mental block is coming from, but it’s there and it’s not conscious. I’m worried that I will say the wrong thing, I overanalyze what I do say and always assume the worst, and then I watch Onyx and Marla interact so easily sexually and I’m envious and jealous both.

It seems easier for them to interact on a sexual level than on a personal one, and it’s the opposite for Marla and me. She has been pushing us in a more sexual direction but I have been resisting, even though I don’t want to resist. I watch how easy it is for Onyx to say things that I wish I could say and I shut down.

I’m working on figuring out how to fix this, but it may take a while. I’m hoping that meeting Marla in D.C. and actually physically being able to be with her will help me get over this mental block. Being able to explore each other and become sexual with each other on a physical level will help me be able to be sexual with her long-distance I think. Once I’m more able to be sexual with her long-distance I will be able to not be envious when she and Onyx express desires for each other sexually, and I’ll be able to feel the compersion I’ve been experiencing intellectually in my heart as well.

That’s the hope, anyway.