December 14, 2009 – Purveyor of Pleasure

On a happier note, here’s a MFM! Not as much a “reversal” as “exploration” but I think it falls under the general category, and it’s what I wanted to write, so there you go.

The idea behind Microfantasy Mondays comes from Ang of Sweltering Celt.

This week’s theme: role reversal.

Though we have talked about genderfuckery this is the first time I’ve expressed the more vulnerable side of me, the one I’m still working on figuring out my own self. I went all out with this one, which seemed like a good idea at first but as I waited at her door I couldn’t help but wondering if she would laugh at me. She didn’t.

The minute she saw me I could see the recognition in her gaze as she looked me over, supporting my gendered choices with a sweep of her gaze and a bite of her lower lip. I saw her take in my black slacks and crisp white shirt over a chest flatter than she had ever seen on me, and the fedora that covered the top of my bright red hair.

My still slightly nervous smile became more of a cocky grin when I saw the recognition quickly overcome by lust and I made my way into her apartment. I quickly pushed her against the wall and tangled my fingers into the soft auburn hair on either side of her head, taking her lips with my own and asserting myself against her. I could smell her, spicy with a hint of vanilla. I was already intoxicated by her and aching for more.

I pressed my pelvis against her so she could feel my cock, an unfamiliar bulge against her thigh. Knowing it was there made me want her lips around it. The silicone was feeling more like my flesh every moment as my excitement mounted. My lips moved to her neck my hand slipped under her skirt to find her cunt, no panties just as I had instructed. She mumbled something about having dinner all ready for us, but I had a different hunger to sate first.

Taken by me winter of 2007

Everything is worse in the single digit hours when she should be sleeping but her brain won’t turn off. She instead reminds herself of how frost crystals can look like diamonds shining in streetlights and marvels at how many stars she can see when there are no lights. She watches as the sun rises in the crisp Alaskan mornings and the light floods the room that was never hers but she calls home for now.

Sometimes she wakes up sobbing, her pillow already damp from her tears, her body curling into itself. Sometimes she can only remember the good times and curses herself even though she knows she did everything she could. When you don’t have much to work with it’s difficult to hold on for long.

She wonders what the point of it all is if good love can turn so sour.

Her heart buckled from the force of being torn in two directions for too long and eventually shattered when she realized she wasn’t getting what she needed and probably never would. She hadn’t been getting what she needed for a long time. The weight of her decision makes the single digit hours drag on when all she really wants is to be held and told everything will be okay.

She wonders how she can live without being touched.

The chemical dependency she cultivated over the many months and years (respectively) has left her hollow and yearning. Unfortunately the only sources are hundreds and thousands of miles away. Her need translates itself easily into skin hunger, but she doesn’t have a way to sate it.

She doubts she will sate her skin hunger soon, but will go on as she did before in the town she couldn’t wait to escape from. She would be happy to turn everything into a distant memory, but her thoughts won’t allow her to do that. She doesn’t know when she will be able to let herself love or trust again as she works on picking up the bloody pieces of her heart, finding the self she locked away.

She wonders what the future will bring.

Life is less complicated here. It would be peaceful if she could sleep, but instead she fills her time with meaningless things to distract her from the emptyness she feels without them. The more she stares at the sky and mountains she is amazed at the beauty found where she grew up but never felt at home.

She looks forward to summer, rediscovering the trails of her youth and trying to learn to love the city she once knew. She hopes her despair will melt with winter and her new scenery and potential for a life here will grow and blossom in spring.

Unfortunately spring is still far away, and for now she has to wait for the single digit hours to tick on until she is tired enough to fall asleep. In the meantime she takes all she can from the beauty of winter, from the frost crystals and clean Alaskan air, from the darkness that envelops her and caresses her while she waits.

Pleasure is my business, my life, my joy, my purpose.

Day: December 14, 2009

Microfantasy Monday – Role Reversal

Home Sweet Heartache