Month: November 2009

In the Middle

On November 22, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Polyamory

I started the draft of this post with this title months ago and had the intention to write about the juxtaposition of how wonderful it was to lay between the two of them and how horrible it was to be between them when something was going wrong. Of course the title takes on even more meaning now that they have severed all ties to each other but they both still want to be with me.

I was constantly in the middle when we were all living together, not just physically. At first I would play messenger between them when things weren’t going well, they wouldn’t talk to each other like they would to me. Some point after I stopped playing messenger our communication simply got worse, we all felt trapped and simply shut down. We all agreed something needed to change, but didn’t have the means or the drive to change it.

I can see both sides now. I still love them both very much and I still want to be with them both, just as they both want to be with me. I do not do well with making decisions when I have to choose between two things I want. Anyone who knows me knows that I prefer “all” to “one.” I’m torn and do not know how to make a choice like this.

My entire life is crumbling around me and the two people who have been central to my life are at odds and I am unable to confide in either of them fully or find the support in them that I am used to. This is difficult on all of us for different reasons, and it seems we each think we have it the worst when in reality there is no “worse” in this situation.

I have been asked many times why can’t I just continue to be with both of them, why must I make a choice. While I was told by one of them that me being with both of them might be okay as long as I don’t live with the other person I was told by the other that due to everything that happened it would be extremely difficult. I don’t want to make the same mistake twice: thinking I can have both of them and having that end with none of us happy or getting what we need.

This evening Marla mentioned fearing that no matter who I chose I would end up resenting them for making me choose. I am trying to prevent this by taking the time to figure out what I need above all else. I love them both, I want them both, I don’t know how to choose but I know that rushing into a decision will end up with me and/or everyone unhappy.

At the same time I know that taking too long or indecision is a decision all in and of itself. I’m trying to find the balance there, but maybe I’ve already taken too long. By trying to avoid hurting one of them I will probably end up hurting both of them.

The other option, of course, is to choose neither. One of the things I fear the most is hurting someone that I love, and in this situation I would be hurting both of the people who I desperately want to spend my life with, this seems like the worst solution because of that. This isn’t to say this option isn’t tempting, it bypasses me having to favor one over the other, but it guarantees that we all will be hurting more than we already are. On the flip side, if I make a choice two of us will be hurting over a choice and the other will still be hurting over the rest of the situation.

All I can do is try to figure out what is best for me, and that’s what I’m trying to encourage them both to do as well. I am not used to putting myself first in any situation, but I am working on how to do that. I’m trying not to take too long as to drive both of them away but to take long enough that I know I am making the right decision, or at least as much as I am able to know that.

Broken

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On November 20, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Introspection

As of two days ago the triad we have been working so hard on the last six months or so ended. The state of my individual relationships within the triad is unknown at this point but we are all certain that Marla and Onyx’s relationship is no more.

If you follow me on twitter you already know this.

Two days ago Onyx went to work and shortly after Marla and I woke up to text messages from him telling us that Marla had to be out of the apartment by the time he got back. This was at 6am and he would be back around 7pm. This came as an extreme shock to us as things had actually been going better for a while, at least I thought they had. He told me that our relationship was over and that I might want to find a relative or someone to stay with.

This sounds extreme, and it really was. Marla and I talked with our families and ended up getting tickets to head home to where we grew up, I’m currently writing this from Juneau, Alaska.

We were not able to get flights until the next day, so (like the wonderfully sweet and amazing person she is) Coy Pink and her husband put us up at their place for the night, she even drove us to the airport the next day and everything, I’m still blown away by her willingness to help us, especially after having not seen me in months and never having met Marla.

Back to the beginning, though. The reason why everything changed so quickly was because Onyx snooped and read Marla’s private journal and discovered horrible things written there about him, bad enough that he never wants to see her again. I have not read what she wrote and I’m not sure I would want to even if given the chance.

I can understand him needing to read it and him wanting her out based on what she’s told me, though I also understand that what she wrote is not what she feels all the time and that it was an outpouring of raw emotion which was never to be read by anyone, especially not the person it was mostly about. I’m in Juneau figuring out what the next step for me is, what I need, who I can be with. I still love them both very much, and I’m pretty much guaranteed to break one or both of their hearts at this point.

Onyx has since said that he never intended to kick me out. He was delirious with anger and sadness and he assumed I wouldn’t want to stay with him if he kicked Marla out. He also assumed at first that I knew more about what she had written down than I did. Although twelve hours to pack up and leave is rather unreasonable he became more lenient once he started thinking rationally. We did leave before he got home, taking as much as we could, and he agreed to send the rest as we requested.

This is extremely hard on all of us, and I don’t really blame either of them for what has happened, although maybe I should. I can see both sides and knowing that they both still want a relationship with me in a way makes it all that much more difficult. I am no good at making decisions, especially when a situation changes from an “and” to an “either/or” and so that’s what I’m working on doing up here in Alaska.

How long I’ll stay is up in the air right now, all my stuff is still in Seattle along with my kitties but I don’t really have a job tying me there. I’m allowing myself time to sort through everything and figure out what’s best for me.

Body Hair

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On November 14, 2009

In Discourse, Gender Galaxy, Introspection

I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with body hair, I think that’s pretty common.

I’ve had periods of time where I can’t stand any of it, shaving my pits, pubes, and legs once they show even a slight bit of stubble, plucking my eye brows often freakishly goth-thin so that they are barely there (ah, teenagerhood). I’ve shaved my arms as well, though only once and never again since I thought it felt funny when it was growing in. I have tried shaving, waxing, plucking, rubbing, all to see what works best and what feels the best.

Then there have been periods of time where I love it in one form or another, not getting rid of it anywhere, or just shaving one part or another. At one point I was shaving nowhere but my pubic hair, which was kind of amusing. For a long time I shaved everywhere completely, though I’ve played around with different styles “down there” like a “landing strip” or a vee shape (though I haven’t tried using a stencil) and so on.

Recently I’d gotten lax about shaving, it was simply seeming like too much work, so I decided to stop completely. At some point Onyx remarked that this is the hairiest he’s ever seen me, and that’s true. For the majority of our relationship I’ve been pretty dedicated to shaving. One time when I was scratching my head, arm raised, Marla remarked that she thought my tuft of armpit hair was sexy, and I agree.

I suppose a lot of people associate body hair with masculinity, especially considering a “male” hormone is responsible for the growth of it (it is called androgenic hair after all), and growing more comfortable with an “other” gender expression has definitely been a catalyst for my choice to stop shaving. I’m not exactly interested in passing in one gender or another, and a masculine appearance was not my intention in stopping either, it is more about feeling comfortable in my body.

It’s also quite possible that I may change my mind tomorrow or the day after that or the month after that, I may grow tired of having a thick forest underneath my arms or a dark collection of hairs on my legs and take a razor to them. This is just one fluctuating part of that gender equation.

In addition to the rest of my body hair I have been letting the hair on my chin grow as well, instead of plucking it as usual. I have two little tufts to either side of my chin which are excellent for stroking when desiring to appear deep in thought.

Leave Your Life-Stock Alone*

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On November 10, 2009

In Introspection

Fall seems to be the time for starting new projects–there have been A LOT of blogiversaries in the last month plus–and generally of taking stock of one’s life. Perhaps this is because we are coming inside from the crazyness that is summer and all the fun that goes along with that and need to focus on other more personal things like blogs and self.

I have been absent from this blog for quite some time, I do not take pleasure in it the way I used to and I have less time to write even though I have plenty to say but at the same time I have nothing at all to say. I’m often worried that something I write in here will be taken badly by one or both of my partners and so I have become cautious and self-editing to the point of nondisclosure.

None of us are happy in this situation, but we don’t have the means to change it, and we don’t know what to do about that. We all feel stuck, on edge, like everything is threatening to break at every given moment and it’s all we can do to keep it from doing so. Or maybe that’s just me. We love and are loved but it is guarded love and it comes with promises and expectations. This situation is killing me and I don’t know how to get out of it.

I love them both so very much, but everything is so discombobulated and strange that I’m not sure what that really means.

I need to get over my fears, however, and figure out what I need and what I am thinking, and that’s where this blog comes in. I’ve come a long way from when I started this, I’ve changed a lot, found new words to mark my changes and used words to help myself remember the experiences along the way. I have written posts similar to this before, my realization of needing a space to chronicle out my thoughts and fears and dedicating myself to doing so, and every time I mean it.

I’m working on figuring out some new features or series’ for this blog and for Wanton Lotus. I am wondering about my choice to split the two of them up, wondering if they would have been better left together, and wondering if I am still writing for the reasons I want to write about. I haven’t been, but I intend to change that.

I started this blog as a place of release, somewhere I could express everything and anything going on in my life for the sake of getting it out of my head. It’s not written for an audience, though I do enjoy the fact that some people find my life/words/writing/whatever interesting but that has never been my focus. I want it to be interesting to read, yes, and I do not want to use it as a out-and-out journal, I want it to be a guide on my way to self-expression and a better writing quality.

Again, I think I’ve said all this before, but I feel the need to repeat it. I am going to set goals for myself again, focus on writing exercises, and focus on certain aspects I am desiring to write more about and delve more deeply in to. Gender and polyamory are two main focuses of my life at the moment and I’m going to start there. Sex and smut are also key factors, and I want to start writing more erotica from all sorts of points of views.

I haven’t really been sharing as much of my personal sex life as I have previously or as I would like to be because of my partners and the situation we are all in, but some day I would like to get back to that. I enjoy writing about experiences that have taken place and I hope to be able to do that again soon. I’m making it a goal to become more involved with the community here, which I really haven’t done, and hopefully that will lead to more interesting stories.

I also have many thoughts about revamping my other main site, Wanton Lotus. I just need to actually sit down and finish some of these things that I have in the works and the ideas I have. The same goes for Pleasurists for that matter, I want to focus on creating more of a community resource, but that is a whole other post.

*A line from Grosse Point Blank, maybe not the perfect title, but it’s always what I think of when I think of taking stock of life.