Day: July 26, 2009

Size & Sexuality Study – Lori

On July 26, 2009

This is the tenth of many posts with answers to my Size & Sexuality Study questions within them. The responses have not been edited in any way. I hope you find them as interesting and informative as I have. I have gotten a huge number of responses already and I still want more! If you would like to answer these questions you can find more information on The Size & Sexuality Study here including links to the other responses.

Lori is a 38 year old female who is “straight, with long held and so far unfulfilled bi curiosity (straight with a slight curve, perhaps?)” and married.

What size is your body?
Last weight put me around 300, but the number means little to me. Carry my weight in my hips, thighs and ass, mostly. Although, I have never considered myself to seem out of proportion or necessarily pear shaped.

How comfortable are you with your body both in general and your body size specifically?
I am quite comfortable within myself. I have days where I want to stay in the bed and do nothing but hide from the world, but I have never considered those ‘fat’ days. I wish it were easier to find stylish clothes, but have never blamed this on my body as much as the fashion industry who doesn’t recognize me, or on a society which refuses to accept that I have as much right to great clothes in a size 30 as someone who is a 0. My body size isn’t something I think about a whole lot. I like my body size, and feel very comfortable in my own skin. I’m lucky that way, as many of my girlfriends – thin or fat – don’t seem to share that.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your body and the size of your body changed over time?
I was very lucky to have had influences in my life that propelled me toward healthy self-esteem. I certainly went through a phase of self hatred, which I commonly refer to as high school. Post high school though, I realized that I could really care less how other people judged me. I came to the conclusion that I had no reason not to love myself and haven’t really looked back on that. I have had successful relationships, both long term and…shall we say rather shorter term? I never felt that my size should be an issue, and I’ve tried not to make it one in my head, either. I have gained weight over the years, but in those years my attitude toward my body has actually become more accepting, rather than less as might be expected.

How important is sexuality to your life?
Extremely important. I love my sexuality, and I love expressing it. As much as possible.

How has your relation with and attitude toward your sexuality changed over time?
I started having sex when I was 18. Not good sex. Just sex. It filled a need, but barely. I was having sex back then, but I don’t think I can say that I saw myself as a particularly sexual being. Over the years, I have realized that I am extremely sexual, and with this epiphany have also opened myself up to new experiences. In the past I think there was always a part of me that I declined to face; the part that said that I wasn’t allowed to be exactly who I was. It is possible that my weight played into this, but I’m not sure that is where the roots were truly planted. I believe that it is more likely that I recognized in myself needs and behaviours that seemed to clash with what I thought to be ‘normal’ for me. I had a far harder time accepting my sexuality than I ever did my weight. I have come to realize that the state of normal exists only in what we are contented with. It’s really only been in the last few years that I have not only found what satisfies me, but also have come to embrace it as another facet of myself that I am perfectly content with. I realize that there are any number of people out there who will equate my weight with some form of self-protection to “keep me from facing” my sexuality. I understand that thinking. However, in my case, it was at my heaviest that I truly realized how sensual and sexual a being I am.

How comfortable are you with expressing yourself and your body sexually?
Very comfortable. No wilting flower am I. I have no trouble expressing myself and my sexuality.

How comfortable is society with the idea of viewing your body as sexual?
Not comfortable at all. Society is not comfortable in accepting my body, so how is it possible for it to accept my body as sexual? There are a lot of facets of society that seem to hold very unshakable opinions as to what fat women are supposed to be. And a confident, sexy, sexual woman is not often equated with a fat one.

Through answering these questions and/or thinking about your relation to your body and your sexuality, have you noticed any links or similarities between the two? If so, what?
I have noticed a link, actually. But it’s probably not one that would come to the mind of someone looking at me from the outside. As my sexuality has blossomed, I have come to love my body even more. It’s a very simple equation. How could that which gives me so much pleasure, and is capable of providing others so much pleasure, be anything but a gift? I cherish my body, because it is capable of so much. The fact that my body isn’t a size two doesn’t equal sexless, or loveless. The more I’ve let my body experience, the more I stand in wonder at what a marvelous thing it is.

Growing Pains

By Tai Fenix Kulystin

On July 26, 2009

In a Love: Marla, a Love: Onyx, Introspection, Polyamory

There has been so much going on the last two weeks since she got here, so much more than I could ever write about. There have been amazing moments of pleasure and passion and there have been break downs and problems and tears. We are all working on adjusting to this new situation which snuck up on us so fast we weren’t prepared.

Marla and I are better than ever. We’re getting used to each others’ quirks and issues, getting used to living together, wanting to spend every moment together.

Onyx and I, however, are having more issues, or a lot of our past issues are being brought to light now that Marla is living with us. I didn’t think I was heading in to that well-known poly “relationship broken, add more people” issue, but it turns out that’s the case.

I thought that Onyx and I were at a good place, and that Marla found us while we were in that state, but my relationship with Marla has really made me realize some things about my relationship with Onyx. It’s funny how that can happen.

Luckily for us, at least, we are realizing where we have issues and we are slowly but surely getting an idea of what to work on. It’s going to be an interesting road ahead or some other cliche, but it will be worth it.

There are just so many things for us all to adjust to in our new configuration and we are still figuring out how we all fit together. Marla and Onyx aren’t as connected or intimate as Marla needs to be able to be sexually intimate with Onyx and so that has been an unforeseen challenge to figure out in addition to the general shock of the move and general upheaval of all of our lives. We are all slowly working through it together, however, and we are developing sexual and emotional intimacy with each other as a triad, but it takes time.

Onyx has been working on opening up more, we all have really, and that has been a shock to me and something I’ve been working on getting used to. He’s going through a major transformation right now I think too and is working on figuring everything out in general, in many ways Marla is doing the exact same thing.

Marla’s change is maybe a bit more obvious as her entire life is overturned by moving so far away from everything she knows. She has so much to deal with, and I’m trying to help in any way possible while also working on my relationship with Onyx and figuring things out for myself.

It’s not always been easy, in fact it’s rarely been easy, but we’re taking it one step at a time and things are getting better and better. No one said poly was easy, in fact quite the opposite. However I’m constantly contented with where we all are at because I know it’s going to get to a place that works for all of us one day, and the key is that we are all willing to talk about it, talk with each other, figure things out, and we are all committed to being together.